Head says one thing, heart says another-husband having an affair

mintymoneysaver

I have just sent you a pm. You will come through this one way or another, stronger and better.

marisco_2

lika_86 wrote: »

Because a relationship can't be serious if there is an age difference?! I'm 26 and my boyfriend is 43 and we've been together over four years now and moved in together a few months ago. An age difference doesn't mean that two people can't be on the same level and connect intellectually and emotionally.

I think you need to get over the idea that because she's younger that he's just chasing a bit of skirt or that it's only a 'shag' and that he's thrown your marriage away over that. If you've stopped communicating then it's equally likely that he's with her for a whole host of reasons, if you've struggled to have children and now do, quite possibly he's seeking a bit of escapism and adult conversation and time.

Bottom line is, you should only attempt to save the marriage if he wants to (ie. accepts there is a problem and goes to counselling ). Otherwise, you're better off out.

Are you the [STRIKE]shag [/STRIKE] other woman?

Cant think of any other reason as to what possessed you to write something so completely rude and insensitive to someone going through absolute hell right now.

clearingout

marisco wrote: »

Are you the [STRIKE]shag [/STRIKE] other woman?

Cant think of any other reason as to what possessed you to write something so completely rude and insensitive to someone going through absolute hell right now.

I suspect she is sensitive about the age gap in her relationship and feels the need to say that it is possible to have a 'good' relationship, despite obvious differences. And of course, that is true. It's only true, however, where relationships are based on mutual respect and are not littered wiht lies and half truths and utter rubbish about what is going on in the family home.

There are always two sides to a story. Sadly, the 'other woman' never gets to hear the important side - either 'cos she's daft or he's clever and probably more likely a mix of the two. By the time my ex finally did away with the other woman, she had fleeced him of at least £40k plus half the mortgage-free house he had managed to buy post-divorce (just found that out recently!). T'was an expensive sh*g, that's for sure!!!!

*winter*

Padstow wrote: »

*winter* wrote: »

If there's any blame, it's between you and him.

Your age Winter matters a great deal, whether you have a career, and also most importantly whether your husband is self employed as to your future financial security. I'm not asking for that information, just for you to weigh it up, as it seems you've been a single parent for two years anyway, though living part time with the children's father while he swanned off somewhere else.

This disgusts me and I quote;

"quite possibly he's seeking a bit of escapism and adult conversation and time."
QUOTE]

Good fortune *Winter* I wouldn't wish your pain on anyone.

Padstow - thank you for your words, and yes the blame is on both him and I; just upset now that he will be unable to have clarity of thought in all of this because now there is a third person.
I phoned him today, left messages as our daughter is unwell; thought he could cheer her up by phoning....but he couldn't be bothered--he could however, make the effort to make an entry on a forum he is subscribed to....
Have tried to put him from my mind today and have had a lovely day with family. Tomorrow will probably be just as hard as today but I know I'll get through it.

I am in my late 30's, work part time employed/self employed and study too...in this area the prospects for work look good, so I am not worried by that at all - I do however work at the same place as him one day a week. I'm adamant I'll not be pushed out of there too....but we'll see.

purple.sarah

*winter* wrote: »

Padstow wrote: »

Padstow - thank you for your words, and yes the blame is on both him and I; just upset now that he will be unable to have clarity of thought in all of this because now there is a third person.
I phoned him today, left messages as our daughter is unwell; thought he could cheer her up by phoning....but he couldn't be bothered--he could however, make the effort to make an entry on a forum he is subscribed to....
Have tried to put him from my mind today and have had a lovely day with family. Tomorrow will probably be just as hard as today but I know I'll get through it.

I am in my late 30's, work part time employed/self employed and study too...in this area the prospects for work look good, so I am not worried by that at all - I do however work at the same place as him one day a week. I'm adamant I'll not be pushed out of there too....but we'll see.

You're doing really well. Try not to follow his forum entries etc though, it will just upset you.

meer53

*winter* try not to let things like him not phoning get to you. As long as you're there for your children, thats all that matters. They will remember who was there for them when they're older. Mine have, my daughter who is 12 now, understands perfectly well what her Daddy did and although she still loves him, their relationship has changed. It's a shame but he should have thought about that before he decided to walk away. I have never bad mouthed him or his slapper GF but boy, have i wanted to sometimes.

What you're doing, taking it day by day, is the best way, you will get through it and i'll bet any money that you'll be happier for it.

*winter*

Hi Meer53 and purple.sarah. Woke up feeling better today, more angry than upset but I suppose that's the flow of this particular roller coaster...I'll be feeling something completely different tomorrow.
He made the effort to phone this morning to see how our daughter was - I think he found the conversation difficult as I remained neutral throughout (just thought about all the MSE guys advice I received!). He is coming over tomorrow to see the children....my daughter later asked why he was coming round as she didn't particularly want to see him!
Going to work tomorrow so it will take my mind off things and make the day go quicker.
Thanks xx

ginger_tony

Hi there winter, im so sorry for your pain and what im about to say you wont like but it takes two to make a relationship work your OH is making it clear he doesnt want to make amends and is a fool in my opnion. Your priority is to your children and yourself, you sound like a nice person and deserve to be happy. Im glad your getting angry he deserves your anger he has betrayed you and the kids in the worst possible way. If I were you I would stand back, he must feel like some big stud with a young woman and yourself fighting for his affections. He will regret his actions as being realistic once the excitement of an affair has worn off and real life kicks in its not much fun anymore and both will think the other will cheat because this is how they got together. The way he is treating the kids is deplorable an he should be ashamed of himself. He has made his bed and let him lie in it. I think he is a lucky man to have someone who loves him as much as you as many a woman could not forgive his actions toward you. Good luck and loads of hugs and as the old saying goes time is a great healer.

meer53

Ginger tony is right, it does take 2 to make a relationship work. What i found though was that my ex conveniently forgot to tell me he wasn't happy thus depriving me of the opportunity to see what i was doing that peed him off so much.

Up to me finding out about his new "friend" things were ok as far as i was concerned. The truth is that some men (and women) just think they can get away with it and are absolutely gobsmacked when they get found out. These people are just selfish.

I told my ex that i would have been ok (well, sort of ok) if he had told me that he wanted to leave as he was unhappy. His response was "i didn't think it would end up like this" translated as "i've been getting away with it for 6 months and thought i was clever enough to continue until it fizzled out"

He's since admitted that he never expected me to find out ! How very dumb ! He went to live with her after i threw him out as he had nowhere else to go, good start to your "new" life eh ?

*winter*

meer53 wrote: »

Ginger tony is right, it does take 2 to make a relationship work. What i found though was that my ex conveniently forgot to tell me he wasn't happy thus depriving me of the opportunity to see what i was doing that peed him off so much.

meer53 & ginger tony, you are both right. It does take 2 and he has said in the past that he has been unhappy...but he's made hardly any effort to change; barely helped at home, didn't cut time spent on hobbies (in fact increased the time spent on them). All of these memories are slowly seeping through to the surface and so I am, as hard as it may be, going stand back from him and let him get on with his life. I'll not get over it over night, but I'm certainly not going to wait 'incase' he changes his mind...I've got too many other things to be getting on with!