Head says one thing, heart says another-husband having an affair

Lexxi

*winter* wrote: »

Hi, I am looking into going to a counsellor - I've nothing left to lose by asking him also, although he would probably say no.

It doesn't need both of you, you may find it helpful to go on your own so that you have someone there just for you, to help get your own thoughts into order.
Marriagecare are national I think and ask for contributions based on what you can afford rather than the charge per session like relate. It's not a recommendation as every counsellor is different but something to consider, I think they also have a helpline or webchat service.

Fire_Fox

((hugs)) Go to relationship counselling with an organisation like Relate: you can go together or alone, can aim to get back together or an amicable split or keep an open mind. There is also mediation which is about agreeing the terms of a split rather than paying a solicitor to write loads of letters. You don't need to divorce if you are not ready to. Also consider seeing your GP about how you are feeling, it's normal to be stressed/ depressed in such a difficult situation. It's disgusting he said if it wasn't her it would be someone else, he should have taken a trial separation before if he felt like that.

Doorstep_horror

Hi *winter*, this exact same thing happened to me last October, the letter was from her husband, I kicked him out, but that was only because of other stuff as well as the affair, I did take him back 2 years before after an affair but not this time. Only you will know what is right for you. Pm me if you need to chat.

*winter*

Fire_Fox wrote: »

((hugs)) It's disgusting he said if it wasn't her it would be someone else, he should have taken a trial separation before if he felt like that.

thanks for the hugs, really need them right now! I asked him at the beginning of the year to move out for us to have space, date and start again but he said he couldn't afford to - I then packed his bags for him and asked him to leave in May and he still didn't go....because he had no one lined up - the minute he is found out though, he leaves.

dianne1088

I know you've probably heard it before but things do get better. You are going through grief at the moment, the loss of relationship & trust is the hardest thing, but you you can do it and you will grow stronger. Look after yourself and your children be selfish take timeout to do the things that you need to do for yourself. Gather close friends and family around you and let them look after you for awhile. I didn't think I would ever get through it but I am stronger and happier now and so on my children and you will be too one day soon.

Fire_Fox

*winter* wrote: »

thanks for the hugs, really need them right now! I asked him at the beginning of the year to move out for us to have space, date and start again but he said he couldn't afford to - I then packed his bags for him and asked him to leave in May and he still didn't go....because he had no one lined up - the minute he is found out though, he leaves.

There are always hugs and support here so never ever think you are alone, many of the regulars have been cheated on so we know that your heart feels like it has been ripped out and stomped on. I don't have children so can't imagine having that to deal with too. :A

Fire_Fox

*winter* wrote: »

I know this only happened last week but I hate feeling in limbo - I have asked him about his new 'relationship'. She is 26 and he is 44 for Christ's sake - he has thrown away all we have/had on a shag. He told me it isn't even serious and if it wasn't her it would have been someone else. I asked him if he loved me and he said, no, not at the moment?!

Please help.

lika_86 wrote: »

I think you need to get over the idea that because she's younger that he's just chasing a bit of skirt or that it's only a 'shag' and that he's thrown your marriage away over that. If you've stopped communicating then it's equally likely that he's with her for a whole host of reasons, if you've struggled to have children and now do, quite possibly he's seeking a bit of escapism and adult conversation and time.

What a horrible thing to say, she doesn't NEED to get over anything at this point. :mad: You didn't even read the OP properly.

marisco_2

This is still very early days and you will feel in limbo for a long time. You have just suffered a huge shock and recent revelations have rocked your world as you knew it. Expect to feel every possible emotion over the next few weeks and months. There will be times when you reminisce and long for the things you had. There will be others where you feel anger, hate, huge upset; it wouldn't be unusual to feel all these things in the same hour.

My advice is to rely heavily on family and friends. Take your time to really be there for your kids but make sure people are there for you. It is important to have time for yourself. I hate saying this because it is incredibly hard to do but try not to cry in front of the children. I have been there where you are right now and I know how desperately hard it is to do that. In the long run the more stability the kids have right now the easier things will be for you.

At the moment you are communicating with your husband with the consideration you would show as being part of a couple. He is treating you appallingly. Stop asking whether he wants to divorce you and consider if you still want to be married to him. He doesn't get to call all the shots now does he! Put yourself and the children first and dont be afraid to say what you want.

lika_86

Fire_Fox wrote: »

What a horrible thing to say, she doesn't NEED to get over anything at this point. :mad: You didn't even read the OP properly.

Not horrible, just trying to suggest that the OP looks at whether the problems run deeper than him looking for sex elsewhere, particularly in light of the fact that she said that they'd stopped communicating.

And I did read the OP's post but how much are you really going to trust a man who was cheating to tell the truth about it?

*winter*

lika_86 wrote: »

Because a relationship can't be serious if there is an age difference?!

quite possibly he's seeking a bit of escapism and adult conversation and time.
QUOTE]

I don't deny age differences don't work, but I know what he is like - once the dust settles with her, he'll be insecure when she goes out, wondering who she is texting, facebooking etc.

He has had all the escapism in the world - but even that started going too far with his hobbies, going abroad 3/4 times a year, weekends, after work etc. I have pretty much been looking after the children on my own for the last 2 years anyway.