Head says one thing, heart says another-husband having an affair

Mrs.W_2

lika_86 wrote: »

I think you need to get over the idea that because she's younger that he's just chasing a bit of skirt or that it's only a 'shag' and that he's thrown your marriage away over that. If you've stopped communicating then it's equally likely that he's with her for a whole host of reasons, if you've struggled to have children and now do, quite possibly he's seeking a bit of escapism and adult conversation and time.

Bottom line is, you should only attempt to save the marriage if he wants to (ie. accepts there is a problem and goes to counselling ). Otherwise, you're better off out.

Yes, his actions were very adult. Rather than talk with the woman he made a life, he's chosen to risk their life as a family.

It's far too soon for 'either/or' choses! Invest the number of years the OP has in your relationship, and you might see the situation differently.

Wishing you the breathing space needed, *Winter*. And hoping your OH considers the future with his family at the forefront of his mind!

*winter*

Mrs.W wrote: »

Yes, his actions were very adult. Rather than talk with the woman he made a life, he's chosen to risk their life as a family.

It's far too soon for 'either/or' choses! Invest the number of years the OP has in your relationship, and you might see the situation differently.

Wishing you the breathing space needed, *Winter*. And hoping your OH considers the future with his family at the forefront of his mind!

Thank you so much Mrs.W, Fire Fox and others xxx
Yes, he was given chance upon chance to change things the manly way but wasn't man enough. He can't be on his own and the FIRST person who shows him some interest he latches onto. Yes, I should have been the one to show him that interest, but the resentment does grow when he has had yet another weekend away, comes back, says hi to his children, sits down, earplugs in and on the computer!

clearingout

*winter* wrote: »

Getting past him sleeping with someone else I can get past (eventually) - I asked him about marriage counselling and he said no, he wouldn't go at the moment. He is probably not closing off all HIS options and once it starts fizzling out with her, he will want to come back.

whatever you do, don't hang around waiting for this to happen - because it might not. One of the hardest things to get your head around in these situations is that whatever you do now, you have to do it for YOU and your children, not for you, your children and your husband. You have to behave now as if you're on your own and make decisions based on this fact alone - your husband may or may not live to regret his actions, he may decide the grass isn't greener and you may or may not decide you want to give it another go at the point he makes that decision. But he may NEVER make that decision and if you're not careful, 5 years will pass you by in a permanent state of bitterness and anger and you'll wake up one morning wondering what on earth happened there?!!!

Really feel for you. It's hell but it does get better and after a while, you'll wonder what all the fuss was about (but it takes a while to get to that point!). Work on you, what you want, where you're going now, start to build yourself a new future and take baby steps towards that future. Take pleasure in the small things - glass of wine, new lipstick, a night in with friends....sleep as well as you can, eat as well as you can (eat something rather tha nothing), and take things easy for a few weeks. If you feel yourself 'going under', there is support in the form of counselling (your GP can help get it for free, but if you can afford it, you can have more or less instant access to this kind of support) and anti-depressants. If your children are young, your health visitor will be happy to talk with you and I personally found mine incredibly supportive with a good understanding of the wider separation and divorce issues which I hadn't expected (and which was useful perspective).

And try wikivorce.com for instant support at any time of the day through their chat facility - the realisation that you are not alone when this happens was for me the biggest single 'healing'...thing that happened to me in the early days.

purple.sarah

lika_86 wrote: »

Because a relationship can't be serious if there is an age difference?! I'm 26 and my boyfriend is 43 and we've been together over four years now and moved in together a few months ago. An age difference doesn't mean that two people can't be on the same level and connect intellectually and emotionally.

I think you need to get over the idea that because she's younger that he's just chasing a bit of skirt or that it's only a 'shag' and that he's thrown your marriage away over that. If you've stopped communicating then it's equally likely that he's with her for a whole host of reasons, if you've struggled to have children and now do, quite possibly he's seeking a bit of escapism and adult conversation and time.

Bottom line is, you should only attempt to save the marriage if he wants to (ie. accepts there is a problem and goes to counselling ). Otherwise, you're better off out.

It sure was nice of you to drop in to take offence at something that wasn't aimed at you, gloat to someone going through a break-up about how great your relationship is and outline your ideas about why her husband might have cheated, but guess what? This is not about you.

meer53

*winter* my ex's bit of stuff was 20 years younger than him. He thought he was the bees knees with his Aston Martin and his slapper sitting next to him. They set up home together, had 2 children, now 5 and 2, and then she moved on to someone else. It was on the cards right from the start but he was completely blind to it. Everyone else could see it, he wouldn't listen to anyone who mentioned that he might be making the biggest mistake of his life. He now admits, to me, of all people, that that's exactly what he did.

I'm not saying that relationships with big age gaps don't work, but i think the ones that do are in the minority. My ex is now on his own (he has custody of his kids, thats another long story) and apart from his kids, bitterly regrets what he did.

Me, i'm happier now than i have been for years, with hindsight, he did me a huge favour, my life is now my own, just me and my kids, aged 12 and 25, i wouldn't take him back if he won the lottery and turned into Brad Pitt.

You say you've been unhappy for a while, it's not wrong of you to be a bit selfish occasionally, if you do manage to work things out and take him back, just remember, do not allow yourself to be in this situation again. At the first sign of anything, anything at all, confront him, you'll never be happy if you don't. It takes huge strength, but you'll find it from somewhere, you and your children deserve better.

meer53

lika_86 wrote: »

Not horrible, just trying to suggest that the OP looks at whether the problems run deeper than him looking for sex elsewhere, particularly in light of the fact that she said that they'd stopped communicating.

And I did read the OP's post but how much are you really going to trust a man who was cheating to tell the truth about it?

Did your boyfriend leave his wife and children for you ?

If not, you don't know what you're talking about.

Fire_Fox

*winter* wrote: »

Thank you so much Mrs.W, Fire Fox and others xxx
Yes, he was given chance upon chance to change things the manly way but wasn't man enough. He can't be on his own and the FIRST person who shows him some interest he latches onto. Yes, I should have been the one to show him that interest, but the resentment does grow when he has had yet another weekend away, comes back, says hi to his children, sits down, earplugs in and on the computer!

:eek: You deserve a real man in your life, not a waste of oxygen. IMO he's done you a favour, that girl who wrote to you is welcome to his sorry @rse.

Wickedkitten

There have been plenty of people that have stayed around in something because of their heart long, long past the point where their brains have been screaming at them that they need to give up.

This is a selfish man who has pretty much !!!! on you over something that in his own words isn’t even that serious, and not only that but he has told you that he doesn’t love you. He wants to be able to go off and do his own thing, yet isn’t wanting to let you be free.

tenke

Everything is raw at the moment and you are grieving the betrayal of trust, dont be afraid to grieve, let the tears out whenever they feel like coming. Only then you will heal little by little.

A door will open, in moments of crisis, there is always a ray of hope, somehow you will manage, you will see:j

I send my best vibes to you, hope all goes well for you and your children!

Padstow

*winter* wrote: »

lika_86 wrote: »

Because a relationship can't be serious if there is an age difference?!

quite possibly he's seeking a bit of escapism and adult conversation and time.
QUOTE]

I don't deny age differences don't work, but I know what he is like - once the dust settles with her, he'll be insecure when she goes out, wondering who she is texting, facebooking etc.

He has had all the escapism in the world - but even that started going too far with his hobbies, going abroad 3/4 times a year, weekends, after work etc. I have pretty much been looking after the children on my own for the last 2 years anyway.

Sounds as though you *Winter* have been trodden on and felt really unhappy for at least two years, whilst he was doing what, scouting for a way out maybe,via a female?
Your remark about his weekends away, walking in, saying Hi and getting on the net ring alam bells loud and clear.

You packed his clothes and asked him to leave, at which time he refused,rightly so. Would you have left under the same circumstances? Had he done so and found another woman, how would you have felt?
Some time later, or maybe even earlier than you think, he found a female to confide in, no doubt blaming all your imagined faults for him being about to stray, and to have sex with.
That's how they operate. Find the next one before moving on from their comfortable home. Blame everything on the wife to justify sleeping with the newbie, meanwhile she believes you're a vicious, frigid woman.

The new woman's mind has been so warped by the cheat, that she starts attending the solicitors with the ex and even Court for Heavens sake. Stating such as,"we had a letter from our solicitor today".
No you didn't luv, he did. A divorce is between two people, not three.
Don't *Winter* blame the girl, as he will have twisted her mind against you. If there's any blame, it's between you and him.

Your age Winter matters a great deal, whether you have a career, and also most importantly whether your husband is self employed as to your future financial security. I'm not asking for that information, just for you to weigh it up, as it seems you've been a single parent for two years anyway, though living part time with the children's father while he swanned off somewhere else.

The marriage from what you have said here, has been dead for some years. Possibly unnoticed due to a variety of reasons.

We all choose from many, such as not the right time. That could be children's exams, Christmas etc., you get the picture.

Also, bad marriages, and I had one for 22 years of cheating, are not always bad. After the storm, and all that. It's like having been mentally abused when sudenly after their indifference at the very least, they appear to be normal again, and come back to the family. until the next time.

Be careful Winter if he comes home to the family fold all contrite. Chances are she kicked him out and he's nowhere else to go. I made that mistake, thinking he was full of regret, when in fact she'd gone back to her own husband, nice.
Think long and hard about his return.

This disgusts me and I quote;

"quite possibly he's seeking a bit of escapism and adult conversation and time."
QUOTE]


Good fortune *Winter* I wouldn't wish your pain on anyone.