Head says one thing, heart says another-husband having an affair

*winter*

Hi Guys - very familiar to this site but have changed my user name.

Last week I received an anonymous letter in the post informing me that my husband was seeing someone. We have been together for 17 years, married for 14 and have two children. Things haven't been great for a year, and I suppose the crux of it is we had stopped communicating; I just took for granted that we would eventually sort it out....

I have done as many practicalities as I can (council tax, tax credits etc) but I am finding it so hard to motivate myself to do anything. I am there for my children of course, thank god I have them, but I feel so empty, feel guilty that the children see me cry, feel stupid that I still love him.

I know this only happened last week but I hate feeling in limbo - I have asked him about his new 'relationship'. She is 26 and he is 44 for Christ's sake - he has thrown away all we have/had on a shag. He told me it isn't even serious and if it wasn't her it would have been someone else. I asked him if he loved me and he said, no, not at the moment?!

We have made maintenance and access arrangements for the children and he is currently looking for somewhere to live (staying at a mates at the moment). I asked him if he wants to divorce me and he said no. We have so much other stuff to sort out I don't know what to do next. I know I should be marching straight into a solicitors office and getting rid of him...but I can't.

I have been up since 3:30 this morning looking after our youngest as she isn't feeling well and all I can think about is that he isn't bothered at all as long as he is getting to do what HE wants, when HE wants. I didnt' take my marriage vows and go through fertility treament for 5 years just to have my family ripped apart and not see my children every other weekend!

Please help.

whitewing

You don't HAVE to do anything, or make any decisions at all.

It is not stupid to want to ultimately keep your family together, if at some stage you get a chance to really talk to each other and work on rebuilding with mutual trust and respect.

Try to get through each minute of the day with dignity. (Which means cry if you need to, but try not to terrify the children).

I hope with the help of others on here, you can find a way out of this horrible muddle, however the future pans out.

raven83

Should always listen to your heart, you will never be truly happy otherwise.

geri1965_2

I wouldn't go rushing into anything, as it is very early days. Do you think it would help to have relationship counselling, either as a couple or on your own?

*winter*

geri1965 wrote: »

I wouldn't go rushing into anything, as it is very early days. Do you think it would help to have relationship counselling, either as a couple or on your own?

Hi, I am looking into going to a counsellor - I've nothing left to lose by asking him also, although he would probably say no.

meer53

You don't need to sort anything out at the moment. Let him stay with his mates, let him see the children, but don't do anything else for now.

Let the dust settle. If he says he doesn't want a divorce, take the time to decide what you want to do. If he's not denying having an affair, then any decision is yours, not his.

Don't spend any money on solicitors, if you need advice, see one who offers a free session, or more than one if possible. Look online for information, buy a book, i bought the Which Guide to Divorce, it was really helpful.

Try to keep things as amicable as possible when the kids are involved, when they're not, you can let rip.

Take one day at a time, it will get better. I've been there, it's true.

DVardysShadow

*winter* wrote: »

I know this only happened last week but I hate feeling in limbo - I have asked him about his new 'relationship'. She is 26 and he is 44 for Christ's sake - he has thrown away all we have/had on a shag. He told me it isn't even serious and if it wasn't her it would have been someone else. I asked him if he loved me and he said, no, not at the moment?!

We have made maintenance and access arrangements for the children and he is currently looking for somewhere to live (staying at a mates at the moment). I asked him if he wants to divorce me and he said no. We have so much other stuff to sort out I don't know what to do next. I know I should be marching straight into a solicitors office and getting rid of him...but I can't.

....

Please help.

The last thing you should be doing right now is marching off to the solicitor. Time enough for that later when you feel less raw.

On the whole, I would say that he is probably coming around to the idea that he has been a fool and that his honesty about his feelings indicates that some repair work is feasible.

Whether or not you want to go down the road of repairing things right now, don't close off your options too soon.

*winter*

DVardysShadow wrote: »

Whether or not you want to go down the road of repairing things right now, don't close off your options too soon.

Getting past him sleeping with someone else I can get past (eventually) - I asked him about marriage counselling and he said no, he wouldn't go at the moment. He is probably not closing off all HIS options and once it starts fizzling out with her, he will want to come back.

meer53

*winter* wrote: »

Getting past him sleeping with someone else I can get past (eventually) - I asked him about marriage counselling and he said no, he wouldn't go at the moment. He is probably not closing off all HIS options and once it starts fizzling out with her, he will want to come back.

Would you take him back ? You have to be really strong. My ex came back home 3 times in the first year after i found out about his affair, every time he went back to her after about a week.

I really wish i'd had the strength to tell him to shove off at the beginning, i just put myself and my kids through more trauma than necessary by taking him back.

maman

*winter* wrote: »

Getting past him sleeping with someone else I can get past (eventually) - I asked him about marriage counselling and he said no, he wouldn't go at the moment. He is probably not closing off all HIS options and once it starts fizzling out with her, he will want to come back.

And it'll be at that point you need to make a decision but not a quick one.

I'd take the advice given to date and start looking after yourself. You may be breaking up inside but outside and in public (includes the children) try to present a calm, dignified front. Dress well, do your hair and your make up. Try to get out with mates. Keep the house all together. Make sure your OH is paying his way financially.

Some people get over affairs others just can't. Take your time, don't rush into anything.

purple.sarah

*winter* wrote: »

Getting past him sleeping with someone else I can get past (eventually) - I asked him about marriage counselling and he said no, he wouldn't go at the moment. He is probably not closing off all HIS options and once it starts fizzling out with her, he will want to come back.

You deserve better than being second best. Don't make someone a priority if they only make you an option. It's possible to get past infidelity but he has to admit he was wrong and start putting your family first, which he is not doing.

Also I know you have probably not had time to think about this yet but do get checked for STDs since he has been unfaithful. Please protect yourself and your health.