Mean or a kick in the right direction

purple_butterfly28

Ok long story short:
I had a car accident recently and my car has been written off in the last couple of days.
I now need to find a new (used) car pretty quickly as need transport to work and back each day etc.
My boyfriend doesn't drive and has never had a lesson despite holding a provisional licence (well did it's recently run out!! :cool:)

We were supposed to be going to watch his football team this weekend all the way up in Liverpool (a 3 1/2 - 4hour drive)
I do have a hire car but don't particularly want to go as
1. I am quite shakey on the roads at the moment and don't feel overly confident.
2. I need to do some serious car shopping this weekend and sort out finances etc.
3. I could really do with a bit of relaxing this weekend after all the stress i've had.

He's getting quite annoyed as can't find anyone who wants my spare ticket and who wants to drive him up there.
I pointed out that if he could drive he could have shared the driving with me/friend up there and back, or hired a car and got himself there and back.

I'm also getting a bit tired of him always relying on me for getting him there and back and various other cases of when he's been able to drink but to save money i've driven.
Plus my mum had to come over and take me to hospital to get checked over afterwards.
His friends also get annoyed when they go on their boys weekends yet he never has to worry about being hungover on the lat day for driving purposes.
I also pointed out recently that with his sister not driving if anything happened to his Dad he'd have to rely on me, taxis or his brother in law for getting to hospital etc (a 40min journey).
I also said that if he ever wants children with me that he will need to learn to get me to the hospital and visit me etc. (not gonna get pregnant just to make him learn though lol :rotfl:)

Am I being mean in not going. I am losing out on £46, but spending another £50 on petrol and food etc to get there and back is just not worth it at the moment.

Am I being mean or giving him the kick he needs to learn.

Okydoky25

I'd be suggesting he sell the tickets and put the money towards lessons. If money is not the issue regarding lessons then think he's just being lazy and selfish tbh

londonsurrey

Whether he takes lessons or not is entirely up to him.

What he doesn't get to do is to dictate to you or be so utterly reliant on you for driving him.

The simple fact of the matter is that a driver may agree to give someone a lift, and the other person may ask. But that is it. The other person may ask. Throwing a strop if the driver says no is out of order.

An adult, if refused a lift, will have to decide whether they prefer to not get to their destinations, or to solve it themselves, whether it's getting a train, advertising for a lift, etc. If they hate this position so much, they can choose to avoid it by maybe considering lessons. They have a choice.

You have had an accident. You have every right to expect a bit of pampering from your partner.
You only HAVE to drive if your partner needs medical treatment, and he's not about to drop a baby, so he can quit acting like one.

purple_butterfly28

Can't sell the tickets unfortunately.
Money isn't really an issue with the lessons, especially if he cut down on cigarettes and alcohol and football tickets lol:money:
His Dad has even offered to pay to his lessons, so that would make them free really.;)

GobbledyGook

If you don't want to drive because you had an accident then that is fair enough imo. However to decide after planning to go and booking tickets when you knew he couldn't drive that you are going to teach him a lesson is mean (and rude imo).

If you want to stop driving him around then in future plans make clear that you are not driving and that he has to make alternative arrangements - same with his mates. You can't make someone learn to drive if they don't want to. You don't have to do all the driving, you could both go by train or whatever, but ultimately it's his choice if he doesn't want to learn to drive.

Fire_Fox

Sorry to hear about your accident. You are not being mean, but IMO stick with one main reason which is that you are feeling too shaky to drive so far or on motorways. There is no argument or bargaining against that unless he is totally heartless. Use the 'broken record technique' repeat the same sentence whatever he says.

Your boyfriend can get a coach or train and go on his own. I don't drive because someone would probably die if I did and I can't afford to run a car but I do expect to use public transport.

snow_ball

My OH doesn't drive and initially I couldn't understand it, but it just doesn't appeal to him. I quite often drop him off/pick him up because I want to but he never grumbles if I don't and he's more than happy to use public transport. The only time it will bug me is if I have an accident/get pregnant and for the sake of convenience would prefer him to be able to drive to avoid public transport (I'm not a fan) and having to ask favours of my family (although they wouldn't mind either).

krlyr

GobbledyGook wrote: »

If you don't want to drive because you had an accident then that is fair enough imo. However to decide after planning to go and booking tickets when you knew he couldn't drive that you are going to teach him a lesson is mean (and rude imo).

If you want to stop driving him around then in future plans make clear that you are not driving and that he has to make alternative arrangements - same with his mates. You can't make someone learn to drive if they don't want to. You don't have to do all the driving, you could both go by train or whatever, but ultimately it's his choice if he doesn't want to learn to drive.

I have to agree. I've been in a couple of accidents myself and it does shake you up, but don't use it as an excuse if it's a case of not wanting to or not being able to afford the petrol. If you've already agreed to drive him and he's bought the tickets and made plans around your agreement, it's a bit unfair to pull out last minute leaving him in the lurch.
However, if the crash or the fact it's a hire car you're not so comfortable in that makes you wary, tell him so. Just don't make it into 'teaching him a lesson' - I didn't learn to drive until I needed to, but I understood that the consequence of that was that I had to rely on lifts from friends and family and couldn't always expect them to be available.

DKLS

Not mean in the slightest, I find it odd he hasn't learnt to drive unless you live in central London. Might just give his career a boost.

I recently interviewed for a role, two candidates with very similar experience and skills, one could drive the other couldn't, and whilst the role doesn't require a driver it can be useful so the driver got the job.

Cyril

An I the only one who thinks its weird in this day and age for a bloke not to drive. Its almost a right of passage isn't it.

If you don't want to drive don't there are plenty of coaches to get him there.

peachyprice

I don't think it's unreasonable that you don't want to go to a football match in Liverpool this weekend, you've had an accident and you need to get a new car sorted.

I think it's unreasonable for him to demand to be driven places, if he's chosen not to drive he has to expect to be able to make public transport arrangements.

I do think it's unreasonable for you to pressure him into learning to drive though. If he doesnt want to, he doesn't want to.