Husband incapable of budgeting, help!

pleasedelete

*Louise* wrote: »

That could be how her husband feels....and look at the problems it's caused

It's quite selfish. What's so bad about a packed lunch?

I think it depends where you work. I have worked in places where having a packed lunch would socially exclude you as everyone went to local cafe etc and others where it was fine as everyone had packed lunch. Being part of a social scene can be important at work.

liney

pleasedelete wrote: »

I think it depends where you work. I have worked in places where having a packed lunch would socially exclude you as everyone went to local cafe etc and others where it was fine as everyone had packed lunch. Being part of a social scene can be important at work.

Priorities!

londonsurrey

This is ridiculous. He's trying to live like a single man, with cash to burn. It would be his right, except that he's now reproduced, and he now wants the convenience of a childminder, missus at home, PA to organise him AND not take any financial responsibility for all that.

Fire_Fox

Have you considered relationship counselling to change the way you communicate? Definitely ask him what he wants to do, use a technique called 'motivational interviewing'. You need to agree together to relax the budget so you both have pocket money and take longer paying your debts off OR he needs to fill the car with petrol every weekend, then not carry any cash or cards all week. It's not a healthy relationship for you to be managing all the finances and nagging him about his overspending, nor for him to be overspending when you are on a DMP.

So what if he doesn't have any money, doesn't have any lunch or doesn't have any petrol? He is an adult so can resolve that for himself: you don't have to get on trains or make his lunch, that is treating him like a child. You could be equally awkward if you drive, just take the car for your appointments and let him make his own way to work, just like he takes the money and lets you go without.

jellyhead

pleasedelete wrote: »

I think it depends where you work. I have worked in places where having a packed lunch would socially exclude you as everyone went to local cafe etc and others where it was fine as everyone had packed lunch. Being part of a social scene can be important at work.

Most people where my husband works go to the pub for lunch. The compromise is that my husband goes with them on Fridays, as other people have suggested. The other 4 days he has sandwiches.

jellyhead

Back in the 70's my mum needed new shoes but my dad could still afford to go to the pub I've never forgotten that.

My husband is rubbish at budgeting - I don't know why because he's good at everything else. He wouldn't go to the pub if I needed new shoes though. I think as has been said, find out if he can't budget, or is simply unwilling to.

As for the running out of petrol, look into buying the possibility of mobile ticketing. I think it can take a couple of hours for the ticket to be sent to the mobile phone, but if he lets you know in advance that would be okay. And it's cheaper than you going there on the train, because a single is probably the cost of a return, and if he used a return and came back the following morning on the train he would have saved the petrol money for 60 miles

Northern_Princess

Please don't take this reply the wrong way but you can't treat a grown man like a child. I'm trying to imagine how my OH would react if I sat him down and put a bank statement in front of him demanding he justified his spending. :eek:

Perhaps as you're OH is the main wage earner he feels he's not seeing any benefit from his earnings if you know what I mean? Maybe you need another approach? Why don't you both sit down and agree an amount needed for petrol etc. As someone else said on the thread some work places do not take packed lunches, could your OH be feeling embarrassed taking a packed lunch if his colleagues go out for lunch?

marisco_2

Does your husband recognise and acknowledge that his irresponsible approach to spending is having such an impact on family life? Or do you work so hard at keeping things afloat that he doesn't see what a mess things are?

You are not weak willed or self pitying at all. It must feel like having a third child rather than a husband. There you are trying to keep to a budget, clear debt and get back on track. Despite what sounds like many open and clear conversations with your husband he isn't working with you to achieve this. His actions are adding to your problems and mean that yourself and the children suffer for it.

I would suggest setting up 3 bank accounts, whether you have these as joint or solely in your name is your call. One has your income going into it, without a card attached, so you cant dib into it and the money is there ready for the upcoming month. Then you know exactly what you have to use. Use online or telephone banking to transfer the funds to the other accounts.

The second account pays all your bills on direct debit. That way you know exactly where you are each month and haven't got to worry about a large quarterly bill coming in. You can also benefit from discounts with utility companies by paying in this way. Maybe I am a bit OCD but all my bills are paid like this. I also put an extra amount in to cover the annual MOT, car tax and unexpected emergencies.

The third is your spends account to cover food, petrol, haircuts, clothes etc etc. I take out the amount I have decided on as my weekly allowance in cash. When it is gone it is gone. If I have to live on beans on toast till the end of the week so be it. I bloody hate beans on toast so it makes me think twice before splashing out on anything

Have a chat with anyone who has lent you money and explain that you wish to pay them back as soon as you can. Agree an amount with them that you can afford and stick to it. That will help alleviate any concern you have about tesnsions over repayments. You will be doing your absolute best by people who have helped you. It comes across very clearly that this is what you really want to do.

Your husband isn't listening to you. All the stress, worry and anxiety this must cause you isn't good for you. Stop enabling this to continue and put your foot down. Agree an amount he needs for the week that you are both happy with. Once he has spent it dont sub him and ask family and friends not to either. I wish you well with this.

Edwardia

My husband commutes to a senior management job in London. He would, if left to his own devices, overspend by £500 pcm ie more than our monthly mortgage or food bill and have absolutely nothing to show for it. When asked he had no idea what he had done with the money.

He promised me, his parents and mine that he would stop doing it time after time and didn't. He borrowed money from The Money Shop behind my back and then asked his mother for the money.

After years of this, of going without stuff purely because he was overspending on himself, not because we were poor I had enough. I'd blown up at him before but this time I told him he was out the door if it didn't stop. I really really got tough.

I took away his debit card, cut up his credit card and took away his passport and driving licence (some banks will let you take out cash in branch over the counter with ID).

It's important, psychologically that your OH doesn't feel deprived because then he will resent the new regime and won't co-operate - never underestimate male testosterone <rolls eyes>.

Managers in my OH's office like to go to the canteen for coffee or lunch and since I won't let OH have limitless cash, he would have felt left out. As there is a proper office kitchen with cooker and fridge he's taken a couple of saucepans, cafetiere, tin opener and so forth plus some good quality food, much of it organic. He can host tea or coffee with biscuits in his office or even fresh sandwiches or pasta.

If your OH likes to drink with his friends, why not organise him into BBQs at home - or boys' nights in watching football while you go out for a girls' night out using the money you're earning ? If his mates want to drag him out, kids asleep/gaming in rooms are a good excuse to mates why he can't leave and he won't lose face.

We go out shopping together and he gets debit card before we go out the door and I get it when we come in. If your OH isn't that co-operative at first, bribery as in we'll do lunch out (6.49 for 2 in Wetherspoon's) might help. Or you could do internet shops instead.

My mother and I went round charity shops picking up decent shirts for him and he has new suits occasionally in sales.

The key things are to make him realise that you've had enough and that he's being selfish. Be tough and stick to it. Make him feel like he is getting treats so he doesn't feel deprived.

If he feels deprived he will balk. Yes that's selfish of him but that's how he is - if he wasn't he wouldn't be behaving like this.

Frankly I'd disable the car if he was saying he couldn't afford the petrol to take me to my job and was saying I'd have to walk 6 miles. I'd also be spending MY money on me so he sees what it feels like, even if I did add it to communal pot later.

I wish you all the best xx

CherryBlossom17_2

Hi all, and many thanks for your responses. Many questions and points raised, so will do my best to address them all.

*He can be very manipulative, and I always felt he had pulled the petrol stunt on purpose - a bit like when he makes an awful job of washing up, as he knows I won't ask again! I need to recognise when he is doing this and stop him in his tracks.

*We had a chat last night and he has agreed that having his debit card on him is too much of a temptation, he added that he doesn't give a second thought to whether the money is truly available or not, he just has his mind on whatever he fancies at the time, although deep down he often has a nagging feeling that it's not right. I'm pleased about that at least.

*We agreed on the approach that I will take enough cash for petrol out on pay day and he keeps an eye on the gauge. We'll go once a week to get it together. He will have a tenner a week to spend on what he wants, when it's gone, it's gone.

*I am going to start doing him a packed lunch (argh!). It will put an end to the excuses, and if he hasn't got his card, he's less likely to 'forget' as there will be no alternative.

*His mum is great, she knows the extent of our issues but seems to feel sorry for him that he can't have what he wants. She gives me the most lovely gifts to cheer me up and has tried to give me cash but I've refused. She's not well off herself but is sensible on her own spending. I want her to able to spend that which she's saved on her own stuff. She won't change now, I've known her 11 years.

*I take on board the comments regarding treating him like a child. He has always behaved like one in many respects, and me being a 'nurturer' have been only to happy to mother him. It's wrong and it's got to stop.

*The opportunity for me to do this 6 hour job crops up 4 - 8 times a year and is worth about £40. Not much, but every little helps, right? DH and I agreed from my 1st pregnancy that I would stay home with our children and he would bring in a wage. A number of reasons for this; our personal family values, lack of childcare, budget wise we would actually be over £10 a week worse off after childcare expenses if I went back to work.
Previously to starting a family, I worked 45 hours a week for 8 years and still did all the domestics. The dynamics of that were fine at the time, I didn't care. Now we have 2 children and I'm exhausted - hardest job I've ever done! I can do this casual job on the odd occasion it crops up because we work it around his days off, therefore no childcare issues. Given that he is a shiftworker, it's also not as straight forward for me to just get an evening job. His shifts run on a 12 week cycle. I do sell on ebay etc, and he has also recently come up with the idea of selling his photographs - photography is a hobby and he could potentially earn a little extra this way with nearly no effort! I'm really pleased he's coming up with ideas.

*His job is solitary for the most part and that's the way he likes it. When he buys the fast food or whatever, he eats it alone so no social exclusion issues.

*I've never demanded he justify his spending, I've simply shown him the amounts he has overspent by to illustrate my point - so he sees it for himself in black and white.

*Socially, we used to have a lot of nights in here. Our house was the central meeting place for our friends. Now we have 2 little one's I had to put a stop to it so we could have calm bath and bedtimes and not keep them awake (small house, thin walls), I am going to suggest he speaks to some of them about going to their places as a few don't have children, and could take a turn at hosting I would have thought. Saves paying pub prices for beer.

Thanks again so much for all replies, it has helped me put things in perspective. I'm filling a box with my CD's and DVD's I don't use any more for music magpie, and DH says he will add some of his to it (and not buy any more!):D