Husband incapable of budgeting, help!

CherryBlossom17_2

Hi there,

I am basically at the end of my rope with my husbands spending habits. We have been repaying our debts for approximately 3 years, and have now halved it. This has been mainly due to my budgeting and sacrifices.

Throughout that time, despite not having room in the budget, he has never been able to make it through a work day with spending on food/ drink. I have bought ingredients for him to make meals/ sandwiches (used to pack a lunch for him years ago, pre children but don't feel I should have to any more as I care for our children at home every day, cover ALL domestic chores, and manage our DMP and budget).

I have sat with him over and over, explaining the budget, how it works and we can and can't afford. I have sat with him following many a month with a bank statement breaking down his overspend and explaining the consequences to him. He knows all this, yet he's STILL doing it! It's like I'm repeatedly banging my head against a brick wall, and frankly, I'm sick of it (physically at times). I always find myself reducing the budget elsewhere to accommodate his unnecessary spending.

I am in the process of trying to repay family who have helped us out in moments of desperation, and struggling to give them anything back, which isn't fair when I know my husband is possibly wandering the street with a KFC.

I have sacrificed my weekly coffee at Costa which was something that used to give me a little sanity back. I have cancelled a magazine subscription which was an inexpensive treat, but still couldn't afford. My clothes are all passed on from family, or ancient and falling apart. I now have a bottle of wine every fortnight rather than weekly ( a £4 bottle). My hair is a state as I can't afford to have it done. I need new shoes but that won't happen. The girls clothes have all come from the sale for the eldest and LO wears her hand me downs.

I mainly don't go in for self pity but occasionally it catches up with me. I have hardly any social life any more. Rarely get to take the girls out somewhere that doesn't involve parks and picnics.

DH called this morning to say he needed to put petrol in the car, and there isn't enough there! We have less than £20 to see us through the next week until pay day. I feel like I make no end of sacrifices while he jollies around having fast food lunches, nights out on the beer with his friends, invariably followed by more fast food, then moans that his jeans don't fit any more and he needs new ones :mad::mad::mad:

We have tried him leaving his card at home, but he ended up needing petrol one time and I had to drop everything and travel 30 miles on a train to take him the cash to get the car home. We have to have a car as he works shifts 30 odd mile from home.

I've been given a casual cleaning job next week and he has just informed that he's borrowing the money from his mum for petrol, and I'll have to walk to my job, 3 miles and back next week as he can't afford to run me there (I don't drive). I expect I will also be told he cannot run me to my hospital or dental appointment - all because he's spent the money.

Truth be told, I'm exhausted from going round in circles so much and feel like washing my hands of the situation. I love him, but I don't like what he does. He never wants to take responsibility when it all goes wrong, he'll find someone else to blame. As a man of nearly 30 years of age, I really think it's time he grew up and took some responsibility and took some of this burden from me. I've said this to him before and it seems to go in one ear and out the other.

Does anyone have any suggestions to how to sort this? I know I sound weak willed and self pitying but it is kind of how I feel right now.Bored of being the one who holds it all together.

Thank you in advance for any helpful/ constructive advice.

ItchyFeet

You don't sound weak willed at all - you sound like you're doing a great job trying to keep the family finances on track despite having to deal with a mole sabotaging things!

How about not bailing him out? Put a week's worth of petrol in the car - just enough for him to get to and from work. If he runs out, that's his problem until the next week's worth of petrol is due.

Wickedkitten

Has he always been like this?

CherryBlossom17_2

Thanks ItchyFeet. I have decided next pay day to withdraw enough cash for petrol on a weekly basis. It will be given to him once a week for just that purpose. I think unfortunately I will have to go back to making him a packed lunch as if I'm his mummy or something, because he just makes excuses not to do it the night before and when he disappears the next day (often before I'm up as he works lots of extreme earlies), he 'forgets'. This is despite my note on the kitchen side reminding him, or if he's short on time suggesting he takes some leftovers from the night before's tea from the fridge.

Depends what you mean Wickedkitten. He has always had a habit of doing the odd silly thing with money such as signing up for credit that costs a fortune (a contributory factor to us being in debt). He seems to have learned from those experiences, but swapped it for just wasting cash instead. He's not great with maths, but nor am I, the difference is that I've knuckled down and self taught budgeting skills. He's very defeatist about things. And he's definitely always blamed others for his mess ups. I tell him this, but he won't acknowledge it.

averagemummy

Work out your budget and what, if anything is left over. Is he weekly or monthly paid?

Then everything week give him a tenner as "pocket money" . He can spend that on whatever he likes. But once it's gone, it's gone. Then if he blows it all on fast food during the week and he nothing for the pub at the weekend, tough.

Same with the car. If you can, go with him when he puts petrol in, so you know he hasn't spent the cash on something else.

If he whinges that he is being treated as a child, agree with him and say it because you just can't trust him with money.

Sorry if this seems harsh but maybe it needs to be at first so he gets the message.

Wickedkitten

Personally, I agree that you do need to wash your hands of him, but I don't mean leave him, I mean you need to stop, I wouldn't say enabling him, but certainly making it easier for him to get away with being a manchild.

Right now if he runs out then you are making it easy for him to not take any responsibility for being a div so next time its pay day, look at your budgeting spreadsheet and work out how much money you need to last until the end of month with a bit leftover and withdraw it. Tell him that he will have to work out his own budget with what he is having for lunch along with petrol out of the rest.

jellyhead

Did he deliberately need petrol so far away from home? Just wondering if he manipulated you into giving him his card back.

I don't drive so I don't know how easy it is to tell from the petrol gauge whether you have enough for a 60 mile round trip or not.

claire16c

averagemummy wrote: »

Work out your budget and what, if anything is left over. Is he weekly or monthly paid?

Then everything week give him a tenner as "pocket money" . He can spend that on whatever he likes. But once it's gone, it's gone. Then if he blows it all on fast food during the week and he nothing for the pub at the weekend, tough.

Same with the car. If you can, go with him when he puts petrol in, so you know he hasn't spent the cash on something else.

If he whinges that he is being treated as a child, agree with him and say it because you just can't trust him with money.

Sorry if this seems harsh but maybe it needs to be at first so he gets the message.

I agree. Dont add to your list of stuff to do each day, by making a grown man a packed lunch like a kid.

Valli

ItchyFeet wrote: »

How about not bailing him out?

this

good luck with it

balletshoes

Mumandhousewife83 wrote: »

Does anyone have any suggestions to how to sort this? I know I sound weak willed and self pitying but it is kind of how I feel right now.Bored of being the one who holds it all together.

Thank you in advance for any helpful/ constructive advice.

On a practical level, I'd take the responsibility for putting petrol in his car, so he can't use that as an excuse to get some cash out (ie you go with him once a week and fill up how much he'll usually use in a week for petrol). Then you either give him cash for his "pocket money" for the week, or you set up a basic account for him, with a cashcard but no credit/overdraft facilities, and put his weekly/monthly spends in there for him to use. When its gone, its gone and he can't get any more.

I know that sounds like he's a little boy who can't be trusted with money - but that seems to be how you feel about him, and at least then you wouldn't be worrying so much that theres no money left for food at the end of the month.

None of this ideal, it sounds like your OH just isn't committed to reducing your joint debts - and some folk are like that.

I think you will always be the one who "holds it all together".

barbiedoll

I know that it sticks in your throat, having to make his packed lunch but to be honest, it's the sort of thing that men hate doing anyway. If you don't want him spending cash on takeaways, then do his lunch for him. I don't want to sound like a 50's housewife but if I were at home, I would do it, simply to ensure that the sandwich stuff and leftovers don't go to waste. And yes, I do know how exhausting it is, being at home looking after the children, I went back to work for a rest!

You'll have to find the chink in his armour, the only way I made my husband realise how short of cash we were, was when I told him that in order to pay the debts, he would have to go without cigarettes, or else stop spending on other unnecessary rubbish. He made the choice and although he still smokes, he no longer buys takeaway pizzas, DVD's, fishing magazines etc etc. He has had to make sacrifices like the rest of us. I certainly wouldn't be travelling 30 miles by train (at great expense, I guess), to bail him out because he ran out of petrol. You should have let him find his own way home, a penalty fare for travelling on the train with no ticket would have humiliated him and he still would have had to go and get the car the next day. Why should you have all of the hassle because he can't budget properly?

Can you speak to his mum? She needs to stop bailing him out too, he is too old to be scrounging from his parents, it's different if you have the bailiffs at the door or your kids need food. But you all need to stand together to make him see what he is doing.

As for "nights out with the boys".........it's about time that you had a night out too. If he can afford to go out alone, he can afford to take you out (get a 2 for 1 voucher on here )
I would suggest that he has one (cheap) night out a month, which he has to pay for from spare cash, you should have the equivalent amount to spend on yourself, anything left over should be split between you both. He can spend that on junk food if he wishes.