Devious Auntie influencing elderly Grandfather

Fire_Fox

philipswoox wrote: »

Fair thoughts - cheers!
Again, maybe I've not explained clearly enough - other family members are continuing to spend time with Gramps and as always, and are intentionally NOT letting things get in the way. They have no interest is anything else. After all, it's family. As a slightly further removed relative, I merely posted my thoughts as I'm frustrated by the actions of one family member, who is clearly trying to influence an unwell old chap. I'd feel exactly the same if I learnt of a similar tale of the old lady who lives next door to me. Surely most people with an ounce of morals would feel the same?

Why not just feel sorry for auntie? Money won't make her happy, she could well die alone and unloved. Gramps is not unhappy nor is he being fleeced in his lifetime. If the close family truly have no interest why are they discussing the situation with further removed relatives?

HeatherintheHills

I've watched this happen in another family.

One particular family member seems determined that all inheritances should be hers and that nothing at all should go to anyone else, she sees it as some sort of right. She "grooms" the elderly family member (she has just tried it on her 3rd now), in the hope that she will be left everything in their will.

This particular person even tried to wheedle away the home of a dementia sufferer, even though the son of the family had lived there all his life and had sacrificed his health and career in attempting to care for his mother. The "aunt" stepped in once the son was so ill he couldn't carry on then set about easing him out and herself in. The way she tried to manipulate the old lady involved was nothing short of wicked, souring good memories, turning a very fragile lady against her own son, giving minimum care while seeming to be so helpful and I have no doubt at all that, had family not intervened, the old lady would have met the earliest end possible without arousing suspicion. I am quite serious about that comment.

What is really, really nasty about those kinds of people is the way they drip poison into an elderly person's ears and mind. To be made to doubt the sincerity of close ones when you are nearing the end of your life, just to satisfy someone's greed is, quite simply, evil.

For the sake of your relative, get her out of his life. If he is already jumpy about his will she has already done a lot of damage.

PasturesNew

Once they get elderly, they start to have new/odd thoughts - and will quickly believe that the person right there/right now helping them is "good" and all others are "bad", not helping, not bothering with them.....

This could even have come from the grandfather, in his altered, elderly-minded state.

It's actually very easy to get into the conversation with an elderly person about how XYZ hasn't bothered ... and isn't worthy. Also, statements such as "I want to give you all my money" are quite common. I've recently been "given" a fortune.... but I laughed and said "No, it doesn't work like that.... and I don't want your money".

At least, I found that when I was recently looking after an elderly/confused parent. They become so dependent, and scared, they're not thinking straight.

gingin_2

HeatherintheHills wrote: »

For the sake of your relative, get her out of his life. If he is already jumpy about his will she has already done a lot of damage.

Your post is very presumtuous. We're only hearing one side of the story here, none of the family members have even discussed anything with the aunt yet. To recommend "getting her out of his life" without knowing the full facts, could be very damaging for all.

HeatherintheHills

gingin wrote: »

Your post is very presumtuous. We're only hearing one side of the story here, none of the family members have even discussed anything with the aunt yet. To recommend "getting her out of his life" without knowing the full facts, could be very damaging for all.

Perhaps. But it could also massively improve his final years. Don't you think there is something not at all right about someone who has done a "before and after" list for his will? That was what rang the alarm bells for me.

princeofpounds

Actually I think people who are saying you should ignore the financial aspects of this in favour of a 'sweetness and light' head-in-the-sand approach are being unrealistic.

Money and possessions DO matter to people's lives for both selfish reasons and not so selfish reasons.

Possessions might have sentimental value. A child might be desperate to live in the old family home, but prevented from affording it due to not receiving a 'fair' share. The memory a child carries of their parent can be tainted forever by a perceived slight. And when it comes down to it, money taken from a child is potentially money taken from being invested in grandchildren.

Putting pressure on Elderly people does very much come under Elder abuse.

And being open between parents and children about estate planning is actually a very sensible thing to do, to avoid conflict and manage expectations. It is NOT a taboo subject. We all die. And most of us hope to leave something to our close relatives.

Yes, if he wants to leave it all to the aunt that is up to him. But he should be free to make such decisions without undue influence (which is really bullying and/or deception) and there are clear warning signs of it in this example.

philipswoox

Pasturesnew and Heatherinthehills - you've both hit the nail on the head. You clearly understand that once dealing with a family member like this, it isn't as simple as sitting down and chatting to them.

philipswoox

princeofpounds wrote: »

Money and possessions DO matter to people's lives for both selfish reasons and not so selfish reasons.


Putting pressure on Elderly people does very much come under Elder abuse.

He should be free to make such decisions without undue influence (which is really bullying and/or deception) and there are clear warning signs of it in this example.

My thoughts exactly. It's knowing what to do next which is the tough bit.

Fire_Fox

princeofpounds wrote: »

Money and possessions DO matter to people's lives for both selfish reasons and not so selfish reasons.

Possessions might have sentimental value. A child might be desperate to live in the old family home, but prevented from affording it due to not receiving a 'fair' share. The memory a child carries of their parent can be tainted forever by a perceived slight. And when it comes down to it, money taken from a child is potentially money taken from being invested in grandchildren.

Nobody has the right to live in the family home nor the right to live in any home they 'want' - if they want it badly enough no doubt they can save up during their parents lifetime and buy their siblings out. At one time we had a system for ensuring the family home or business was passed on intact, oldest son inherited everything bar a few quid and a few mourning rings.

Nothing has been 'taken' because it wasn't given and it wasn't earned. Why does grandparents money need to be invested in grandchildren? Why can't grandchildren make their own way in life, or the parents invest in their own children? Why can't grandparents invest in their grandchildren during their lifetime instead of in the will? Are you intimating children who are parents should inherit more than children who are barren or child free by choice? All this inheriting will be like a massive rollover lottery in a few generations time, IMO more people should spend the money they earned during their retirement or leave the bulk of their wealth to charity.

gingin_2

HeatherintheHills wrote: »

Perhaps. But it could also massively improve his final years. Don't you think there is something not at all right about someone who has done a "before and after" list for his will? That was what rang the alarm bells for me.

Of course alarm bells would ring but how can you be sure, unless you have explored every avenue. Discuss it with them, before deciding to cut them out of everyone's lives.