Adoption

merlot123

I don't normally go back and read previous post, but I have on this occasion.


https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/3819763

Have things really changed so much in six months you can even consider another child? I don't think so, you are doing it for the wrong reasons, having another child will not make you happy or complete, only you can do that for yourself.

Concentrate on what you have, and not what you want.

GracieP

Do you know how difficult it is to adopt? You can't just decide to do it and then go pick up your kid. You have to go through a very strict process by which your suitability will be assessed. It's invasive and intensive and it's very easy to fail if you don't meet the criteria. You'll have to go through it in the UK but even if you pass it at home that doesn't mean you will be approved in the country you choose to adopt from.

It's also an incredibly expensive process. I have an aunt and uncle with two children who they adopted from Russia, the whole process of getting two children cost between £50-60k. There are so many official costs that have to be paid and a lot of 'palm greasing' that needs to be done with corrupt officials. Then on top of that there are the numerous trips back and forth to the country you are adopting from and the time out of work while you are travelling. All with no guarantee that in the end you will actually be granted custody of the child.

And that's not the end of it. There is a very reasonable chance that the child will have health problems that may realistically require private healthcare treatment if they are to be treated as quickly as is necessary. The child may also be more prone to behavioural problems as the first few years of its life did not include the intensive care and socialisation that most babies need for their mental development.

Adopting children and giving them love and life opportunities that they would otherwise not have is certainly a wonderful thing to do. But it's not at all easy, few people will be allowed do it, few people can afford to do it and few people are prepared for the level of commitment and the difficulties that can arise.

Dunroamin

merlot123 wrote: »

I don't normally go back and read previous post, but I have on this occasion.


https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/3819763

Have things really changed so much in six months you can even consider another child? I don't think so, you are doing it for the wrong reasons, having another child will not make you happy or complete, only you can do that for yourself.

Concentrate on what you have, and not what you want.

Brgnning another child into a situation like this, whether by birth or by adoption, would be one of the cruellest things someone could do. Fortunately there's no way Social Services would allow a child to be placed with a family like this.

Marisco

Have to agree DR. I've not read any of the op's other posts, apart from the one in the link here, and then only the first page, but that was enough!!! No one would allow a child into a situation like that!! The op needs to get a grip and concentrate on the 2 she has, and totally forget about having any more!!

SqueekyMouse

I agree, the OP must focus on her existing family. They need her total and undivided attention.

Adding another child into this mix would be so unfair on the existing 2 children, the OP's husband AND the adopted child.

Regardless of what you believe, OP you are not capable of providing a suitable home for an adopted child. You must understand that adopted children, even babies are removed from their birth families for very strong reasons that cannot fail to leave an impact on the child. You would find it impossible to devote enough attention, care and compassion to an adopted child and still provide emotionally for your existing family.

I remember reading some of your previous threads and can only recommend some form of talking therapy to help you understand this need you have for another child when you must know in your heart how destructive this would be.

puddy

i think there would be huge questions about your parenting skills and the dynamics in the household

shelley_crow

I doubt fostering would be a viable option either, part of the assessment involves talking to the kids/schools/social workers already involved. If they've said no to adoption then fostering will be a no as well.

If you take an already chaotic household and add in another unrelated child, often with their own problems, it is the perfect environment for parental stress to increase, the daughter's behaviour to deteriorate and the placement to breakdown. That isn't fair to anyone in this situation. OP you've got your hands full already, concentrate on the children you do have and leave the thoughts of another children to being a pipe dream.

memoryoftrees

I think people really do underestimate just how hard the adoption process is.

There aren't queues of wide-eyed children desperate for loving homes - there's a small amount of children (not many at all under 3) and a lot of people wanting to adopt.

Dunroamin

memoryoftrees wrote: »

I think people really do underestimate just how hard the adoption process is.

There aren't queues of wide-eyed children desperate for loving homes - there's a small amount of children (not many at all under 3) and a lot of people wanting to adopt.

That's true for babies but not for older children, sibling groups and those with special needs. There really are loads of children desperate for both permanent and foster homes, only not that desperate.

For these groups the adoption process is certainly rigorous (as one would hope) but not that hard. It would be a shame if other prospective adopters and foster carers were put off applying by scare tactics.

memoryoftrees

Yes - there is still a surplus of prospective adoptive parents compared to the number of children in need of homes though, unless as you mentioned they are from a specific ethnic background or have very demanding needs. That is true in my area: I don't know what other areas are like of course.

Also, many prospective adoptive parents decide it's not for them or are told they aren't suitable so that in turn impacts on statistics and figures.

Sadly, adoption isn't just about offering a "loving home" - I have a school friend who just couldn't be a nicer person and he and his wife adopted a boy - the adoption fell through Love isn't enough