Relative refusing professional care...?

nottslass_2

Mojisola wrote: »

I just can't understand someone running their loving relatives' health into the ground when there is a very easy solution - spending money that he can't spend on the other side of the grave.

His family don't want to abandon him, just to have a few hours off so that they can sleep and make sure they can keep their jobs.

No-one needs to be that selfish, dying or not.

I realize that its hard to comprehend how anybody could do the above,but you have to take into account that he's probably in a lot of pain and very,very frightened and indeed angry. His Rational thinking and compassion for others is unfortunately the last thing on his mind.

Mojisola

nottslass wrote: »

I realize that its hard to comprehend how anybody could do the above,but you have to take into account that he's probably in a lot of pain and very,very frightened and indeed angry. His Rational thinking and compassion for others is unfortunately the last thing on his mind.

Or he just could be a control freak who doesn't want to stop now.

Not everyone who is dying is a lovely person.

tea_lover

Is arguing about his motives really going to help the OP access the help her family needs?

Mojisola

tea_lover wrote: »

Is arguing about his motives really going to help the OP access the help her family needs?

The possible answers have been given. It depends on the family members what they choose to do.

If the man's motives are control, he will be very difficult to deal with.

If he's frightened, a talk from a good friend or religious advisor may get him to see that it's time to accept other carers for the sake of his family.

Tiddlywinks

I cared for my mum at home and you should never, NEVER underestimate the physical and mental strain that it brings - the fear of doing the wrong things, the fear of hurting them, wanting their pain to end... it can be horrific really.

I'd ask the GP or district nurse to have a word with your relative... often the older generation will take notice of them more than they would a family member.

If the family carers are tired and at their wits end then they are a danger to the old chap without meaning to be... they could slip whilst carrying / lifting him, give him the wrong medications, fall asleep and fail to hear him calling out etc.

Family members need to be freed from the physical care duties so that they can be there to provide the emotion support... someone needs to sit down with the chap and CALMLY discuss that the situation cannot continue.

I'd say a medical professional is best placed for this as they still retain the duty of care in supplying palliative care and are required to assess the abilities of the carers and act accordingly - there should be an ongoing risk assessment from the district nurse which includes environment and personal care.

bestpud

UPDATE

He saw the specialist today and one of the main carers broke down, closely followed by the other one. I think it was apparent they just aren't coping.

Soo, as soon as a bed is available, he is going to the local hospice and if one doesn't become available in the next coupe of days, they will send carers into the house.

Hopefully it's just for a week or so to get his pain and a few other things under control and then he will go back home with more support.

He's not happy and is giving them hell tonight, accusing everyone of conspiring against him, but other than that it's a big relief all round.

Thank you for all the replies and suggestions.

thorsoak

nottslass wrote: »

I realize that its hard to comprehend how anybody could do the above,but you have to take into account that he's probably in a lot of pain and very,very frightened and indeed angry. His Rational thinking and compassion for others is unfortunately the last thing on his mind.

If he were to accept the help that is available from the NHS/Macmillan, then his pain and comfort could be far better managed! My OH was at home for the last month of his life - at our request. (He had terminal pancreatic cancer, diagnosed December 2010, died 19 January 2011). Once we made the request to have him home, Macmillan became involved - we had a hospital bed - one of the all-singing, all-dancing models with air mattress, lifts up and down etc etc to keep him comfortable. The carers that came in (3 times daily) to check whether he needed a wash/help toileting/moving/just chatting to him, the nurse that came in daily to check his medication - all injected into a pump-driver so he received it automatically all the time - all down to co-operation between hospital/doctor/Macmillan - and all free! We couldn't fault it - it was such a help to know that we did have back-up.

It's a great pity that the person in question here won't accept help such as we had - my OH was kept comfortable and as pain-free as possible, and my family and I (daughter who came over from USA and son who stayed with us despite the fact that his partner had just had their baby) felt that we were involved in his care but weren't overwhelmed by it all. Such a shame that this family can't have the same experience

daska

bestpud wrote: »

UPDATE

He saw the specialist today and one of the main carers broke down, closely followed by the other one. I think it was apparent they just aren't coping.

Soo, as soon as a bed is available, he is going to the local hospice and if one doesn't become available in the next coupe of days, they will send carers into the house.

Hopefully it's just for a week or so to get his pain and a few other things under control and then he will go back home with more support.

He's not happy and is giving them hell tonight, accusing everyone of conspiring against him, but other than that it's a big relief all round.

Thank you for all the replies and suggestions.

For the sake of the carers I am very relieved to hear this and I hope he becomes reconciled to it very quickly.

meritaten

I doubt if it's about money with this old gent. probably more to do with his mindset. once the 'professionals' are brought in then he has to face his own mortality. and realise he is dying. because that is how macmillan nurses are often viewed. he may feel that once they are brought in then all hope is lost.
having had St. Davids Foundation nurses for my FIL when he was dying - my MIL resisted any mention of 'charity nurses'. we could only persuade her to allow a Marie Curie nurse to 'sit' with her at night while the 'family' got some rest. and that took a lot of persuasion!

auntiesue

Glad things are sorted for now OP.

Whilst he is in the hospice ask if a fast track CHC assessment can be done. If he is end of life, carers will be provided free of charge for up to 4 times a day. The hospice might be able to arrange for equipment to go to the house such as a hospital bed and a commode, if they can't do this the district nurse certainly can.

In our area you can also get Marie Curie sitters for overnight, but this might only be 2-3 nights per week. We also have a hospital at home service in our area which will provide overnight sitters and also another service that can provide a carer or trained nurse for a few hours a day.

Your hospice should have all the information about any services that are available or you could contact the district nurse who will be used to co-ordinating these services.
Hope some of this info will be of use.