Relative refusing professional care...?

rachbc

i think the carers need to have totally frank discussion with him, tell him what they can commit to and then not do more...it seems harsh but he might just loosen the purse strings once he's realised how much they have done

alwaysonthego_2

To force treatment, he would need to be under a Section three of the Mental Health Act, but he would have to lack capacity. However, ethically this man does have the right to choose how he wants to live the rest of his life and if he wants treatment even if it is hard for others.

LEJC

bestpud wrote: »

But, several months on, he now knows he is at the end so I don't know why he is still fearful of it. I think he just wants to stay at home, which is fine, but they need help for him to be able to do that.

Ive very recently lost a close family member to cancer...and although outwardly he seemed accepting of it,inside it was a different story...ultimately I guess your relation want to die where he knows his surroundings,and thats home...but what he hasnt accepted yet is that at the moment that home isnt nevcessarly equiped to deal in a dignified and a managed pain free death that I assume he invisages....

Someone who he trusts needs to sit with him and clearly explain the options,and give him time to digest all the information,otherwise he will end up not with the right care in the right place to end his life how he would like.

In one of your earlier posts you said that he was accepting of the district nurse/GP checking on him...is this something that they are able to continue with up to the end without any further intervention from Macmillan...or if its simply macmillan that hes unsure of are there any other local hospice contacts that you could be given...we have several local ones who are much smaller than macmillan but no less willing to help if they can.

londonsurrey

bestpud wrote: »

I think he just wants to stay at home, which is fine, but they need help for him to be able to do that.

In that case, why don't they explore the getting help for their own households option, freeing them more to help him?

He can fund it, or they can fund it.

bestpud

alwaysonthego wrote: »

To force treatment, he would need to be under a Section three of the Mental Health Act, but he would have to lack capacity. However, ethically this man does have the right to choose how he wants to live the rest of his life and if he wants treatment even if it is hard for others.

That's what makes it so difficult - he has the right but the only option left to carers then is to leave him in his own mess etc.

I don't know many who could do that.

Mojisola

bestpud wrote: »

When intially told it was terminal, the hospice problem was just that he's had friends with cancer go in for a couple of days to get a symptom under control and they didn't come back out. So he was wary of going in case the same happened to him.

But, several months on, he now knows he is at the end so I don't know why he is still fearful of it. I think he just wants to stay at home, which is fine, but they need help for him to be able to do that.

It is desperately sad, for all involved. There is so many emotions flying around and it's really difficult to know what to do for the best.

He doesn't have to go into the hospice. If he really wants to stay at home, they can usually arrange for home care.

Honestly, no matter how he feels, it's not worth people making themselves ill looking after him. I'm talking from experience but it was easier for me because my parents did (reluctantly) agree to have other help coming in and, yes, they paid for it. I made sure they were claiming everything they were entitled to and their benefits went a long was towards paying for the carers.

Does he really want to leave of legacy of ruined lives behind him because he was too mean to spend some of the money he has? Any inheritance he is leaving people will count for nothing if their health is ruined!

bestpud

londonsurrey wrote: »

In that case, why don't they explore the getting help for their own households option, freeing them more to help him?

He can fund it, or they can fund it.

The only issue is they can't afford to give up working.

Leaving their jobs is a long term decision and not one to take lightly in the current climate.

margaretclare

bestpud wrote: »

The money will go into a trust and is all very complicated, so it's not as if the family can pay for the care, with a loan if need be, in the knowledge it will be paid off.

That would be one way round it - he'd still pay but wouldn't need to hand it over himself. It's not an option though.

'The money will go into a trust'? So who benefits from the trust? Not the person who needs it urgently now???

bestpud

Mojisola wrote: »

He doesn't have to go into the hospice. If he really wants to stay at home, they can usually arrange for home care.

Honestly, no matter how he feels, it's not worth people making themselves ill looking after him. I'm talking from experience but it was easier for me because my parents did (reluctantly) agree to have other help coming in and, yes, they paid for it. I made sure they were claiming everything they were entitled to and their benefits went a long was towards paying for the carers.

Does he really want to leave of legacy of ruined lives behind him because he was too mean to spend some of the money he has? Any inheritance he is leaving people will count for nothing if their health is ruined!

He hasn't spent his pension in months - he has no shortage of money - all of it could be used for care and he may hardly touch his savings.

I honestly don't think he's given a thought for the effect on the family - he sees it as their responsibility to care for him.

I'm not saying he doesn't give a stuff - it's just he's set in his ways and it's how he sees things should be iykwim?

Mojisola

bestpud wrote: »

The money will go into a trust and is all very complicated, so it's not as if the family can pay for the care, with a loan if need be, in the knowledge it will be paid off.

So he's not taking it with him but is going to try to control it from beyond the grave!

I think you may have to stand up to him and say either he pays for a certain amount of care or he copes on his own for a couple of days a week.

Without the emotions around the fact that he's dying, everyone would be able to see that he's bullying you all into doing things his way with no thought for your wellbeing.