Relative refusing professional care...?

Mojisola

bestpud wrote: »

That's one of the emotional difficulties - he has created a scenario that may cause many problems in the family after his death and has already hurt them.

That said, they are doing their best for him - it's difficult though, for a few reasons I don't want to go into.

As I said earlier, the emotional toll on the family is huge but they're aren't letting it affect the care he receives and are doing all the can to abide by his wishes.

Why? Has he always been a tyrant?

He could be receiving professional care from people who are not worn out and emotionally drained. Wouldn't that be better for him? It certainly would be for the rest of the family.

bestpud

Mojisola wrote: »

Why? Has he always been a tyrant?

He could be receiving professional care from people who are not worn out and emotionally drained. Wouldn't that be better for him? It certainly would be for the rest of the family.

They love him - it's as simple as that.

It would be better but it seems they'd have to walk away for it to happen. I don't know what I'd do if it were one of my parents tbh - it's hard just to think about it.

floss2

Does your relative have any friends or maybe a vicar / priest / rabbi (or other religious person) or maybe his GP to whom he would listen and respect their opinion? If so, maybe that would be the route to encouraging him to accept the help he needs.

TBH, my dad didn't want to go down the hospice route when he was terminally ill; my mum however, saw it as a lovely place to visit and to stay when she was terminally ill, although she did come home towards the end of her life (at her own wish) and died in her home.

bestpud

floss2 wrote: »

Does your relative have any friends or maybe a vicar / priest / rabbi (or other religious person) or maybe his GP to whom he would listen and respect their opinion? If so, maybe that would be the route to encouraging him to accept the help he needs.

TBH, my dad didn't want to go down the hospice route when he was terminally ill; my mum however, saw it as a lovely place to visit and to stay when she was terminally ill, although she did come home towards the end of her life (at her own wish) and died in her home.

I think the family are going to have to be firm with him - there isn't anyone else who he'd listen to - he's already had a head to head with the doctor about going into hospital for a day or two a few months ago. He absolutely refused, despite the doctor trying everything he could.

londonsurrey

bestpud wrote: »

They love him - it's as simple as that.

It would be better but it seems they'd have to walk away for it to happen. I don't know what I'd do if it were one of my parents tbh - it's hard just to think about it.

Love doesn't mean that you have to spoil someone.

That's what "spoil" means. It doesn't just mean that you give them lots of good things, it means that you give them so much that they are damaged, and in this case, he's been damaged so much that he thinks it's normal to demand everyone drops everything, putting their financial futures at risk, and him risking amateur care at a critical stage. That's spoilt.

They may love him, but they've overindulged him.

margaretclare

bestpud wrote: »

They love him - it's as simple as that.

It would be better but it seems they'd have to walk away for it to happen. I don't know what I'd do if it were one of my parents tbh - it's hard just to think about it.

Ha. If I were ever in the position of needing that type of care it would be of no use me demanding it, as of right, from my one surviving daughter. She'd rather leave me in my sh*t. Literally. She calls me 'that woman'.

Sorry to digress, but yes, there are people who could do it. I couldn't, but neither could I do all that physical care either. I'd rather money was spent when needed than kept for after his death.

Slinky_Malinky

Just a few thoughts from me. Aside from him being too tightfisted to spend his money, do you think his resistence to the hospice and outisde carers may also be because he is afraid they will `finish him off` as he has seen friends pass away quickly after having outside care?

One other thing, even if he did agree to having paid carers, with the house sounding very unsuitable for caring for such an unwell person I can`t help wonder whether health and safety rules could make things awkward. Lack of space in the rooms and corridors plus having to stand in the bath to hold him on the toilet is really not safe and while family are willing to do it, a paid carer has to kept safe in their working environment.

Lastly, as it seems he is determined that the family care for him to the end, if he does not have very long left to live is it possible that the family members who work could take some sick leave from their jobs to care for him? Having to care for him all night then work all day and the stress of watching a loved one die are all factors which I feel would be valid reasons for taking sick leave. Though of course this would only be feasible for a matter of weeks rather than months and none of us can say how long this may go on.

I hope your family can find something that works for all of them.

pelirocco

margaretclare wrote: »

Ha. If I were ever in the position of needing that type of care it would be of no use me demanding it, as of right, from my one surviving daughter. She'd rather leave me in my sh*t. Literally. She calls me 'that woman'.

Sorry to digress, but yes, there are people who could do it. I couldn't, but neither could I do all that physical care either. I'd rather money was spent when needed than kept for after his death.

I think most of us can say , while we are in good health that we wouldnt put our family through what this family is going through ....but as you get older and your health worsens you are liable to change ..............facing death must be a very scary time , Its only normal that when facing it people are bound to become more clingy and dont wat to die alone ........I am facing more or less the same thing with my own father , not as extreme as the problem the OP is facing , but I know what its like

nottslass_2

My Mum recently died from cancer and despite her having quite a bit in savings she would have been entitled to carers coming in 3 times a day and night sitters -in the end she decided to stay in a hospice.

Contact his Gp or the Mcmillon nurses - and hopefully he'll be reasured about not having to pay for any care.

thegirlintheattic

Macmillion nurses don't cost (or didn't when we had them in a few years ago).

I think your options are either going to be social services (who can't force him but could maybe talk through some options) or him being sectioned.