Christmas family stuff (already)

Edwardia

It's only August but on Saturday my widowed mother told me she didn't want to go to my younger brother's for Christmas. Taking the hint I did the daughterly thang and immediately invited her.

Last year the same request was made. Then two days before, when food was already bought/defrosting/being prepared, my mother changed her mind and ended up staying at my brother's house.

I'm worried that she'll do it again therefore. My mother is a vegetarian and we're not so it does involve extra buying, planning and cooking and once food is defrosted it can't be re-frozen.

The house is old, elegant and centrally heated, with log fires too. I'm a college-trained ex-chef and a former veggie myself so doing decent organic veggie food isn't a prob.

We have loads of movies and music, a black Labrador and always have a real Christmas tree. OH gets given quite a bit of booze at Christmas so there's always champagne, wine, port etc and I had already bought the Bailey's, Quality Street etc that she likes.

The excuse she gave was that it was because of the snow. I live nearer to her house in countryside of next county than bro, and there are A roads all the way, without steep hills. If she had wanted to she could have come day earlier by train which is an hour door to door.

So I'm thinking the excuse was feeble and I don't understand why she did it. I think we're pretty close, we talk every day and see each other once a week, alternating between houses. We also go to London and France together as well as food and clothes shopping.

I don't want to waste stuff again and be sitting there with OH and no guest. It didn't spoil our day but it did put a dampener on.

How do I tactfully tell her I'm not going to be happy if she does it again ?

marisco_2

Edwardia wrote: »

I think we're pretty close, we talk every day and see each other once a week, alternating between houses. We also go to London and France together as well as food and clothes shopping.

You come across as a lovely, considerate and intelligient lady. Hopefully your mum is of the same vein. She must be aware of the time and effort involved in preparing for Xmas. Especially when catering for a guest who has different dietary needs. She would also hopefully have an appreciation of the disappointment you felt when she suddenly pulled out of xmas last year.

I would say something along the lines of 'I am really looking forward to sharing xmas with you this year mum. I felt sad that we didn't share it together last year though'. Ask of her that if she changes her mind this year to give you a little notice so that you can make alternative arrangements and not be left with no guests to celebrate with. It is a reasonble thing to say. As an adult she should respect this. You seem to have a good relationship with her going by what I quoted above and should feel able to speak openly and honestly with her.

splishsplash

Edwardia wrote: »

...
The house is old, elegant and centrally heated, with log fires too. I'm a college-trained ex-chef and a former veggie myself so doing decent organic veggie food isn't a prob.

We have loads of movies and music, a black Labrador and always have a real Christmas tree. OH gets given quite a bit of booze at Christmas so there's always champagne, wine, port etc and I had already bought the Bailey's, Quality Street etc that she likes...

I don't want to waste stuff again and be sitting there with OH and no guest. It didn't spoil our day but it did put a dampener on.

How do I tactfully tell her I'm not going to be happy if she does it again ?

Could it be she felt a little pressure? It sounds like the whole focus is on her, the guest, instead of just falling in with your day, which would be so much easier. Does your brother have kids? Maybe she just wanted the Santa/Christmas morning magic moment?
Either way, as the post above says, a gentle word now would be a good thing.

escortg3

Why not invite your brother over aswell and have a good old family christmas.

We have everybody and although its quite alot of work and peope have to eat of there laps it really makes christmas day.

Beckyy

I was just about to suggest that too, why not invite the rest of the family over?

System

My Mom did that to me too. She used to come to me for every Christmas but i always asked her it was never taken for granted in case she wanted to go to my brothers.

Anyway, she was coming to me for Christmas, then on the evening of Christmas Eve my cousin rang her and asked if she would like to spend it with them and she did. It was a slap in the face for me as i felt that i was only good enough till a better offer came along.

Kids were happy though, they had the control of the telly, hubby was happy as it meant he didnt need to spend Christmas day in the shed and i was happy because it meant i didnt have to be a gobetween between the lot of them.

Pee

Inviting the rest of the family, i.e. your brother and her alternate host, is a brilliant plan!

Otherwise I would cook something for her that can be frozen ahead of time and would make a good accompanyment to meat, I'm thinking of cauliflour cheese, you may well be able to think of better examples, or something you and OH would eat anyway. Expect that she will cancel at the last moment and enjoy one of those precious christmasses where you get to be just the two of you without other people's demands.

Edwardia

When we were kids our parents did the dinner party stuff even though my mother hated it. I inherited her dislike of pretentiousness my bro went the other way. So he and I have nothing in common. He's condescending to OH too, who despite his working class roots is better educated than my bro.

My bro married really young first time and in last few yrs had an affair with someone at work. My eldest niece doesn't get on with my mother since she feels her grandmother shouldn't have been supportive of the affair. Bro married last month, SIL is really nice, like her a lot. Bro + OH + moody eldest niece (her sisters and stepsisters fine) seems like recipe for disaster however ! I'm not going to walk on eggshells in my own home.

I think my mother just doesn't realise anymore how much prep goes into making it all look relaxed & effortless and maybe that's part of prob ? She'd criticise me if I did cauliflower cheese, it's got to be something with filo pastry and pine nuts at the very least. Her attitude would be that as a former chef I should do something at least as good as a Waitrose ready meal lol.

euronorris

Is it possible that your brother put pressure on your Mother to be there last year? Especially as things in his world had been quite turbulent, and he likes to conform to certain social conventions (with the dinner party stuff etc)? Or maybe she wanted to try and mend bridges with your eldest neice, or even possibly build new ones with the new DIL?

So.....maybe have a chat and just ask her why she changed her mind at the last minute, and whether she's likely to do it again. If she is, I wouldn't go to extra special effort - maybe get some ready made vegetarian stuff and leave it at that.

Edit: oohh, just seen Primal Organic in your signature! Trying to get there myself. Making changes bit by bit!

Mojisola

Edwardia wrote: »

She'd criticise me if I did cauliflower cheese, it's got to be something with filo pastry and pine nuts at the very least. Her attitude would be that as a former chef I should do something at least as good as a Waitrose ready meal lol.

There's one solution - buy something frozen from Waitrose that can be cooked at the last minute if she decides to come.

McKneff

I'm puzzled as to why you have to buy extra things because she is a veggie, just give her exactly what you are having, less the turkey.

Seems simple and no extra costs involved imo