wanting a child and partner doesn't

determined_new_ms

thanks for all your input. I do appreciate no one can answer this question for me. It was more a case of verbalising my thoughts/feelings around this issue.

We talked again about the issue last night. Oh really wants us to have a couple of years without any stress. He wants us to travel, be happy and do any of the things we want to do - our plans to travel, next year we are planning to take a 6 week holiday around europe, we have always said when we do leave for Brazil we will have 6 months travelling the world and end in Brazil, move to different parts of the world. This is what he wants. He says he would like a child but after this and of course my age means after this its probably not likely I'll fall pregnant and obviously the risks are greater.

I think, as said before, I have to come to terms with the loss of the dream I have had since a young woman of having a child later in life. When I wrote it down, and read everyone's input, it crystallised it in my mind. I don't want to loose him, can't imagine my life would be as happy without him, since I've been with him it has been the happiest period of my life.

euronorris

DKLS wrote: »

It was a slightly flippant comment but in my case true. When I split with a long term partner who had a child. I embarked on the dating scene, and was clear that I didn't want children, and thought this was only fair to bring this up at an early stage.

Mainly as in a certain age group of single women there are quite a lot who are looking for future fathers. I met one of these, told her on date 1 that I was determined to be child free, her response was oh you will change your mind when you hold your baby for the first time
:eek: she must have thought I was suitable father material as I caught her sticking pin holes in my stash of johnnies that night.

She left the house very quickly after that, at the time I was mad as hell, but after seeing two close friends go through a number of cycles of IVF and who finally conceived a healthy boy naturally a year back I have more sympathy with that woman.

I'm sorry that you went through that. I do not agree with someone doing that (or anything like it), no matter how desparate they are to have a child. It's just wrong and extremely unfair on the future father and child.

But like I said, those women are in the minority. They are certainly not the majority.

fluffnutter

Acc72 wrote: »

As others have said, you need to fully explore and understand why you want another child...

Not that this is necessarily poor advice but it's got me thinking...

Does anyone ever know why they want a child? Whether it's no. 1 or no. 5 can you rationalise why? I'm not so sure you can. Sometimes it just feels like a yearning, a biological imperative and whether it not it makes sense, or you can come up with reasons why (and indeed why not) makes no difference to the desire.

I'm not so sure that this approach will get the OP anywhere. The fact is she wants a baby and her OH doesn't. This is the issue she needs to explore and overcome, not why she wants the baby in the first place, IMO.

BugglyB

fluffnutter wrote: »

Not that this is necessarily poor advice but it's got me thinking...

Does anyone ever know why they want a child? Whether it's no. 1 or no. 5 can you rationalise why? I'm not so sure you can. Sometimes it just feels like a yearning, a biological imperative and whether it not it makes sense, or you can come up with reasons why (and indeed why not) makes no difference to the desire.

I'm not so sure that this approach will get the OP anywhere. The fact is she wants a baby and her OH doesn't. This is the issue she needs to explore and overcome, not why she wants the baby in the first place, IMO.

Exploring why she wants another child in the first place is very relevant to the OP.

For example:

If its because she's bored and unsatisfied with life, could she plan other things to fulfil her?

If its because she's worried about past mistakes with her children, or if its 'empty nest syndrome' could she stay in this country to help with grandchildren, or take up voluntary work with children instead?

If its because she has a strong biological urge and can't get past that, perhaps she should leave her partner and try for a baby on her own or try and find another relationship.

Just using these examples to illustrate, OP, not to say thats whats going on with you.

euronorris

I do think it can be useful to ask why you want a child sometimes. Mainly because, whilst it will simply be a strong, natural urge for most people, there will also always be some who want it for other reasons, such as trying to fix a broken relationship, trying to fill a hole of some kind, being bored with life, etc etc. If it is one of those reasons, then the focus needs to be taken off of having a baby, on put onto the underlying problem instead (it's entirely possible to have a natural longing for a child, whilst also wanting to to fix a broken relationship).

I remember my counsellor asking me why I wanted children, and it was so bl00dy difficult to put into words. I just do. I always have. Since I was a child myself. I think kids are wonderful, even when they're screaming the house down, filling their nappies with toxic waste, or trying to climb all over you like a climbing frame. I can't imagine my life without children in it, nor have I ever done. IF it turns out that we can't have children naturally, and are turned down for adoption for some reason, well then that is something that I will have to learn to accept. But I could never not try. It would crush me.

lostinrates

determined_new_ms wrote: »

thanks for all your input. I do appreciate no one can answer this question for me. It was more a case of verbalising my thoughts/feelings around this issue.

We talked again about the issue last night. Oh really wants us to have a couple of years without any stress. He wants us to travel, be happy and do any of the things we want to do - our plans to travel, next year we are planning to take a 6 week holiday around europe, we have always said when we do leave for Brazil we will have 6 months travelling the world and end in Brazil, move to different parts of the world. This is what he wants. He says he would like a child but after this and of course my age means after this its probably not likely I'll fall pregnant and obviously the risks are greater.

I think, as said before, I have to come to terms with the loss of the dream I have had since a young woman of having a child later in life. When I wrote it down, and read everyone's input, it crystallised it in my mind. I don't want to loose him, can't imagine my life would be as happy without him, since I've been with him it has been the happiest period of my life.

Personally, i think this is a good choice, primarily for your existing children. My mother has a child with my father later in life and while we love each other i know that this has been very very difficult for my sister to come to terms with.


However, my mother had me in her forties, there is no guarantee you could not do so later if you chose to.

Dh and i are childless not by choice. If we had the sort of marriage where he would leave me for a chance of a child with someone else i would be heartbroken but also feel our relationship had not been steong enough for the rigours of family life either.

Nottoobadyet

Oh DNMS, what a tough spot for you!

As you know I have no little 'uns of my own and have never had that broody feeling so perhaps this question is a silly one. It's meant well though - could that child yearning in your life be salved by being an active grandmother / godmother / friend to someone else's child?

It may be years yet before your kids have their own, but being a fabulous granny might be just the opportunity to be a positive influence on kids when you have all the resources and wisdom you need. Maybe there is even a community organization that could put you in a place to be a loving, safe presence in the lives of kids (or young adults) in unfortunate circumstances? Maybe it could be something rewarding for you, which would enable you to both enjoy your years of freedom from here.

determined_new_ms

You are always well intentioned NTBY! Yes that is what is likely to be my story, loving grandmother (some time off yet!) & godmother. My best friend has just fallen pregnant and so I am to be a GodM. (I guess a reason why this has all come to a head recently is a lot of my friends have had children in the last year - something I have become aware of recently, if you are a teenage mum it is likely that you will be at different stages to your friends at different points in your life. so when I was a teenager all my friends didn't have children and were living it up as young people. Now I am older and my responsibilities are much smaller a lot of my friends have babies and little ones.)

I am to be GodM to the child. Am looking forward to supporting the family and investing in the child.

I do feel a little sad that I have made this decision but its a good life I have with him and I wouldn't want to loose him.

Any

One thing really cane through to me from you OP on this thread... You are only 31!!!!!!!!! Your OH wants few years of freedom..travelling... You are talking like you were 40 or something and it's now or never!!!
I do think that you still have quite a few child bearing years ahead of you, whilst nothing is guaranteed if you didn't struggle to fall pregnant first timd round and you actually had a child/ren, the childbearing years quite stretch for healthy normal woman and I don't think you need to rush this!
It seems to me that your friends having children might have some impact on your need for child.. Or perhaps I am wrong..

Any

Ooops, sorry!! Your OH is 31 and you are 36... Missed that...
Well, he still has couple of years to change his mind.. But if you can see yourself growing old with this man I would not rock the relationship... Single mother... Of 3? Not an easy job...