wanting a child and partner doesn't

determined_new_ms

I have been with my partner for 5 years and adore him. He is (I believe) the love of my life and my life has changed infinitely for the better since meeting him.

I am 36 and he is 31. I had 2 children when I was young and the teenage years were spectacularly difficult but we are now coming out of the other side. We have talked on and off about having a child together in the time we have been together. My feelings about having another child have changed over that time, sometimes I have said no and others I have thought yes, as has he. For a long time I didn't want a child (it was sooooooo tough for soooooo long for me!) but now I do. My partner, however doesn't want one and wants us to have a nice life, without stress, travel the world (he is Brazilian and wants to return to Brazil, I want to go too but not until my children are older and more settled in their lives. I see this happening in 5 years + while he would go tomorrow!)

The issue has been arising a lot recently. I really feel I do want another child and it is becoming clear he doesn't. This is a real problem. Given my age there is no guarantee I would fall pregnant. Definitely no guarantee I would meet someone else who I could share a life with and want a child in the time I have have left, fertility speaking. I love him very much and cannot imagine my life without him, but also cannot imagine giving up my chance to have another child.

Sorry not sure what I am asking, just venting really. Feel very sad I have to choose between 2 things I want when there is no guarantee if I ended the relationship I could fall pregnant in the time I left. Either way I feel I could end up having real regrets...

Thanks for listening!

skypie123_2

I don't have any advice for you sadly but just wanted to give you a hug.
This is such a hard position to be in

rdchick

DNMS! big hugs for you sweet, it's really difficult isn't it? I kinda know how you feel - BF wanted kids when we met, 2 years later he doesn't... It's like you want to crawl into their heads and find out what they are really thinking! I think it's important to figure out firstly what you want, if it is definitely that you want another baby then you will have to have a frank discussion with him and go from there.

Someone else might have a better solution for you in a bit xxx

BugglyB

Hi determinednewms

Sorry to hear you are having a hard time, its a minefield isn't it!

I recommend to you that you perhaps have some counselling but its not for everyone. It helped me.

Theres also a lot of good books on the subject of infertility or having further children -

Sweet Grapes: How to Stop Being Infertile and Start Living Again
Beyond Childlessness
Never to be a Mother

These are not specific to your circumstances as they don't all cover the issue of people who already have children, but they will help crystallise your feelings and make a decision either way.

Some people will not understand and perhaps say cruel things to you on this thread. But rest assured some of us get it.

lika_86

Why do you want another child? That's the first question.

It sounds like your children are becoming adults, do you think that your desire could be a result of your children growing up and not being so reliant on you now?

If it's to have a child with your partner, a child that's yours together, then is a life enjoying your time with your partner not enough?

System

My advice to the OP's partner is to start wearing double condoms to prevent 'accidents'

Dunroamin

Do you want another child as an excuse not to go to Brazil?

I'd be happy with all the good things you have in your life right now and not throw them all away just for the possibility of having another baby? Do you really want to go through all the teenage stuff again when you're over 50?

determined_new_ms

Hi thanks for your replies. I do need to work out my feelings about having another child, right now I just know that I have this feeling that I want one and it has been growing for a while. My oh would be a wonderful father and I know that we would do a good job of raising a child together.

In its self a life with my partner is enough, of course it is we are very happy together and very well matched. However this desire doesn't go away.

There is a big part of me that wants to have a child and enjoy being a parent much more than I did the first time. Being a teenage mother wasn't ideal and I have lots of regrets about this. I did the best I could but looking back, if I had another chance I would do it very differently.

I can't imagine ever meeting someone who I could have a better relationship with than with my oh.

Sorry again not very clear, but it is a little confusing with lots of contradicting feelings

Acc72

As others have said, you need to fully explore and understand why you want another child (could it be that youir children are growing up and seemingly don't "need" you as much and you are looking to replace that?).

The counselling suggestion was a good idea.

Your husband can change his mind in 10 years, however you cannot.

gfplux

" My oh would be a wonderful father and I know that we would do a good job of raising a child together."

Why do you say this when he does not want a child.

BugglyB

determined_new_ms wrote: »

Hi thanks for your replies. I do need to work out my feelings about having another child, right now I just know that I have this feeling that I want one and it has been growing for a while. My oh would be a wonderful father and I know that we would do a good job of raising a child together.

In its self a life with my partner is enough, of course it is we are very happy together and very well matched. However this desire doesn't go away.

There is a big part of me that wants to have a child and enjoy being a parent much more than I did the first time. Being a teenage mother wasn't ideal and I have lots of regrets about this. I did the best I could but looking back, if I had another chance I would do it very differently.

I can't imagine ever meeting someone who I could have a better relationship with than with my oh.

Sorry again not very clear, but it is a little confusing with lots of contradicting feelings

As far as I can tell (not a parent myself) this sort of guilt and regret seems integral to the parental experience itself! Who knows what might cause it with a next child - perhaps you would feel that you were doing everything right but their father was not as committed as you would like, or that everything was great for them except they lack the experience of having a sibling.