wanting a child and partner doesn't

Beckyy

My mum had me when she was on the older side of her childbearing life and did say that she felt she was abe to enjoy the pregnancy more as she knew what to expect and had more life experience. However, my dad also wanted a child and my Mums work wasn't a problem.

I think you need to truely think about whether you do want another child, or just a chance to prove to yourself that you can do better than you felt you did for your first two children. When you already have 2 children, I don't think it's worth pushing your relationship to the limit trying to have another if your partner doesn't want one. The last thing you want is to persuade your OH, then find you get pregnant and he can't cope and leaves you. He is also right about the lack of freedom. I left home quite early, but it's not unusual for children to stay at home until 21+ now. Thats just coming up to your 60th birthday before you get your freedom back.

Dunroamin

ktb wrote: »

Ouch! I recognise this senario all too well. I found myself in a similar position with my ex and it was a total dealbreaker for us (especially as I didnt have kids already). We were together for 4 years, best mates and he was the first person I could imagine growing old with. It was devastating to me that there was no way around it for us, but I knew what I had to do. This is a pretty fundamental issue in my opinion and dealing with/resisting maternal urges can't always be a completely rational process.

.

I certainly hope this doesn't happen but you could find that you threw all of that away for nothing.

Nan63

Like you OP I had my daughter when I very young, far too young if the truth be known, I was just a baby myself (I was 15 and this was 33 years ago). Times were tough, incredibly so on many occasions (homelessness, abuse - the whole nine yards). When I met my soulmate 17 years ago, I went through the same thoughts you are now, wanting a baby with him because I wanted to experience enjoying my pregnancy, revelling in bringing up a child the way that 'normal' people do.

Well, Mother Nature made the decision for me when I had to have a hysterectomy and 'our baby' was not to be.

As the years have moved on, I have often thought, thank goodness we didn't have another child. We have had our freedom to enjoy what we want, when we want. In addition that baby would be a young teenager now and I know I do not have the energy to deal with one of those alien creatures again!

6 years ago, my daughter blessed me with a darling grandson and he is the centre of our universe. Give it a few years and you might have one of those as well, let me tell you, they are far more fun than your own kids (especially as you can give them back after a few hours!).

I wish you well OP, it's not a easy decision to make but as others have said, you need to look at your motives before moving forward.

findingmyownway

Dunroamin wrote: »

I certainly hope this doesn't happen but you could find that you threw all of that away for nothing.

Chopping off your quote to omit the bit where KTB says she is now very happy with a new partner might make your point look stronger, but it seems unneccessarily mean to me. Of course there are no guarantees in life, I'm sure KTB doesn't need comments like this to remind her. No reason to assume she is at greater risk of infertility with a new person than she was with the old.

euronorris

Dunroamin wrote: »

I certainly hope this doesn't happen but you could find that you threw all of that away for nothing.

There's no way to ever know that fully, as there is no guarantee that if she had stayed with her ex that they would be still be together and happy.

Having kids is such a fundamental issue, IMO. There was a time when I thought my OH didn't want them and it was heartbreaking. I love him deeply, but having kids is so, so, so important to me. I can handle trying and it doesn't happen (and I would never leave him because we weren't able to fall pregnant), but I can not handle never trying at all. That just isn't something I am willing to give up. And if I did give it up for someone else (rather than because I wanted to), I'd resent them bitterly. It wouldn't be fair to either of us in the long run.

I am lucky that OH does want them, he was just scared about finances mainly (which I understand) and was keeping it all bottled up inside, instead of talking about it. So he was sending out mixed signals by saying how much he wanted kids one moment, and then acting the complete opposite of that the next moment. Now that we're talking about it more, and the financial side of things, he's getting really rather excited about that era of our lives that is still to come.

OP - as others have suggested, there is a possibility that your desire for another child comes from an issue that could be dealt with another way. It's definitely a LOT to consider, and I would also recommend counselling to help you get your head around it all and be sure of what you want and why.

Also talk to your OH - why doesn't he want children? I thought he did at one point, so has something changed, or did he just grow to accept your earlier decision of not wanting anymore? Do finances worry him? Or has dealing with teenagers first (instead of babies first), made him a little wary of what is to come in 13 years time?

Good luck. It isn't easy.

Oh, and I'm not sure why one poster felt the need to comment insinuating that you would secretly get pregnant! :mad: God, just cos a woman is feeling broody, it doesn't mean she's going to completely ignore her partner's wishes and get herself up the duff without his agreement! Posts like that make me so angry. I am sure that there are one or two women who have done this, but the majority of us wouldn't, because a) we wouldn't do that to our partners and b) we wouldn't do that to a poor, innocent child!!

Tish_P

euronorris wrote: »

Oh, and I'm not sure why one poster felt the need to comment insinuating that you would secretly get pregnant! :mad: God, just cos a woman is feeling broody, it doesn't mean she's going to completely ignore her partner's wishes and get herself up the duff without his agreement! Posts like that make me so angry. I am sure that there are one or two women who have done this, but the majority of us wouldn't, because a) we wouldn't do that to our partners and b) we wouldn't do that to a poor, innocent child!!

I'm glad someone pointed this out! Also, wearing double condoms is less safe than single ones as they can rub against each other and break. So the post was ignorant as well as unnecessarily rude to the OP.

determined_new_ms

I actually found it hilarious! Thought that maybe the poster has experiences of not being able to trust their past partners? Luckily nothing me or oh need to worry about!

jenhug

determined_new_ms wrote: »

Hi thanks for your replies. I do need to work out my feelings about having another child, right now I just know that I have this feeling that I want one and it has been growing for a while. My oh would be a wonderful father and I know that we would do a good job of raising a child together.

In its self a life with my partner is enough, of course it is we are very happy together and very well matched. However this desire doesn't go away.

There is a big part of me that wants to have a child and enjoy being a parent much more than I did the first time. Being a teenage mother wasn't ideal and I have lots of regrets about this. I did the best I could but looking back, if I had another chance I would do it very differently.

I can't imagine ever meeting someone who I could have a better relationship with than with my oh.

Sorry again not very clear, but it is a little confusing with lots of contradicting feelings

A friend was in a similar situation a few years ago, you need to ask yourself the question, what if second time around is worse? Yes, it could be a better experience, but what if it isn't? What if you spawn the child from hell, or it has (god forbid) devastating disabilities that require life long care and you are never able to move away because they need regular hospital care? Yes, both are unlikely, but entirely possible.

As it stands at the moment, you have a happy healthyfamily, a great partner and a new world opening up to you as your children move towards independent adulthood. Do you fancy putting off seeing the world til you are 60?

Tish_P

Wanting a kid is such a personal thing one really can't argue with it (or the lack of it), but I thought jenhug picked up on a really thoughtful point there. If part of why you want a kid is to make up for perceived past mistakes, that strikes me as a bad reason. Your kids are happy; you did all right.

As far as I can tell, people never have kids for reasons anyway. They want kids or don't and decide on the reasons afterwards. And that's OK.

Dunroamin

findingmyownway wrote: »

Chopping off your quote to omit the bit where KTB says she is now very happy with a new partner might make your point look stronger, but it seems unneccessarily mean to me. Of course there are no guarantees in life, I'm sure KTB doesn't need comments like this to remind her. No reason to assume she is at greater risk of infertility with a new person than she was with the old.

You miss the point that the discussion is about throwing away an excellent relationship for the possibility of a questionable outcome, not about infertility.