wanting a child and partner doesn't

DKLS

euronorris wrote: »

Oh, and I'm not sure why one poster felt the need to comment insinuating that you would secretly get pregnant! :mad: God, just cos a woman is feeling broody, it doesn't mean she's going to completely ignore her partner's wishes and get herself up the duff without his agreement! Posts like that make me so angry. I am sure that there are one or two women who have done this, but the majority of us wouldn't, because a) we wouldn't do that to our partners and b) we wouldn't do that to a poor, innocent child!!

It was a slightly flippant comment but in my case true. When I split with a long term partner who had a child. I embarked on the dating scene, and was clear that I didn't want children, and thought this was only fair to bring this up at an early stage.

Mainly as in a certain age group of single women there are quite a lot who are looking for future fathers. I met one of these, told her on date 1 that I was determined to be child free, her response was oh you will change your mind when you hold your baby for the first time
:eek: she must have thought I was suitable father material as I caught her sticking pin holes in my stash of johnnies that night.

She left the house very quickly after that, at the time I was mad as hell, but after seeing two close friends go through a number of cycles of IVF and who finally conceived a healthy boy naturally a year back I have more sympathy with that woman.

Any

DKLS wrote: »

It was a slightly flippant comment but in my case true. When I split with a long term partner who had a child. I embarked on the dating scene, and was clear that I didn't want children, and thought this was only fair to bring this up at an early stage.

Mainly as in a certain age group of single women there are quite a lot who are looking for future fathers. I met one of these, told her on date 1 that I was determined to be child free, her response was oh you will change your mind when you hold your baby for the first time
:eek: she must have thought I was suitable father material as I caught her sticking pin holes in my stash of johnnies that night.

She left the house very quickly after that, at the time I was mad as hell, but after seeing two close friends go through a number of cycles of IVF and who finally conceived a healthy boy naturally a year back I have more sympathy with that woman.

You are very thoughtful man for sympathising with her.
Despite understanding that if you want child and it is not happening might be heartbreaking, dismissing someone's feeling/wishes or whatever you want to call it is the most despiteful thing ever.
If someone put me suddenly in that position (though I am female), I don't think I would ever forgive. It is soooo life changing....it just cannot be messed with.

Rockporkchop

determined_new_ms wrote: »

...There is a big part of me that wants to have a child and enjoy being a parent much more than I did the first time. Being a teenage mother wasn't ideal and I have lots of regrets about this. I did the best I could but looking back, if I had another chance I would do it very differently...

What makes you think you would enjoy being a parent much more if you had another baby? Having a baby in your late thirties is bloody knackering and the world is a different place for bringing up children now. I can see your point but to be honest I think you are mental - your children are very nearly off your hands, you are still young and you have a great relationship with a man who wants to whisk you away to Brazil for a new life in the future. If I were you I would curb my broodiness for a few years, enjoy yourself and wait for the grandchildren to come along! You sacrificed your teens and twenties to raise your family - your thirties and forties should be all about you.

amus

When I was a teenager my Mum went through a stage of being really broody and if it hadnt been for my Dad refusing she would have had another one.

Fast forward a few years and my children were born. She was so happy to have a grandson, and whilst she gets to spend quality time and dote on him, she also has the freedom to go on exotic holidays and nights out. Now she says she's really glad my Dad said no!

My Auntie on the other hand who had a child with a new partner when her kids were 18 now struggles with childcare issues, money worries, is unable to spend quality time with her grandaughter.

What Im saying is if you already have two children and you and your partner are really happy together, maybe you could try focusing on the positives of not having a child?

DKLS

Any wrote: »

You are very thoughtful man for sympathising with her.
Despite understanding that if you want child and it is not happening might be heartbreaking, dismissing someone's feeling/wishes or whatever you want to call it is the most despiteful thing ever.
If someone put me suddenly in that position (though I am female), I don't think I would ever forgive. It is soooo life changing....it just cannot be messed with.

It's the past 3 years that I have finally understood and changed my position on that lady. To see two close friends go through immense disappointment every month, almost see them break up on a few occasions, and being financially ruined by the costs of IVF, I gained a greater understanding of what it must be like to crave a baby.

I crave an Aston Martin Vanquish, but I don't think my life has no purpose without one, so hardly comparable.

Back to the OP, I can only echo the post earlier and recommend frank and honest discussion between you and your oh.

Any

DKLS wrote: »

It's the past 3 years that I have finally understood and changed my position on that lady. To see two close friends go through immense disappointment every month, almost see them break up on a few occasions, and being financially ruined by the costs of IVF, I gained a greater understanding of what it must be like to crave a baby.

I crave an Aston Martin Vanquish, but I don't think my life has no purpose without one, so hardly comparable.

Back to the OP, I can only echo the post earlier and recommend frank and honest discussion between you and your oh.

Yes, I understand where you are coming from..if 2 people want it happen and it's not happening it s simply heartbreaking.
But if one wants a baby and decides to change the life of other person whos feelings are the very opposite.. I don't think that compares. For the other person it might be as heartbreaking to have one, as for the couple who cannot have one.

I personally thing that OP first needs to decide whether it's just a wish to have second chance and not just being affraid of natural life changes (children leaving home changes ones life a lot), or whater it is real broodiness where she feels it is a must and it is a deal breaker.
Sometimes the idea of another little feet running around is great, but going through the real thing again is different matter... We often look back at only the good things that happened and forget the stress that was there too...

catkins

Well I don't have children by choice so I guess I cannot understand the need for a child. What I would say though is that you already have two children. If you didn't have any I could understand it.

You have a partner you love and who loves you. Is the desire for another child really greater than your love for him? What if you decide it is and split up with him but then do not meet anyone else you love? What if you fall in love with another man but he doesn't want children or what if you fall in love with another man then find he can't have children or maybe you can't now?

ktb

Dunroamin wrote: »

You miss the point that the discussion is about throwing away an excellent relationship for the possibility of a questionable outcome, not about infertility.

It's a fair shout Dunroamin...... had our relationship actually been "excellent"! And if the OP's is "excellent" then there are different things to be considered for sure. In my case we were more like fantastic mates than real partners and I think the mis-matched aspirations was the manifestation of that. We would have broken up anyway i'm sure without that catalyst, but looking back it was certainly an indicator that there was something missing.

Personally, I would happily have remained alone rather than have a family with someone that didn't want it 100% - so there was no chance of a "questionable outcome" at all. But as luck would have it I met someone fantastic and my new relationship has more going for it than the old one ever did - so there is no chance that I threw it all away for nothing as you mentioned in your previous post

Thank god I didn't settle, otherwise I would never have known just how good life could get!!

meritaten

Your situation is unique to you - and only you and your partner can work it out.
you now want a baby - ask yourself why? you have grown up children and tbh I am wondering why you feel the need to have a baby now?
your OH doesnt want a baby - his view is valid hun. If you got pregnant and he left you - would you be happy?
you have a lot to think about and a lot to discuss with your partner - OUR views dont matter.

gfplux

I hope you made the right decision not only for you but if you decide the baby route that it will work.
As a man and a father second time round I am a very, very happy person. However if I had been in the situation where an ultimatome had to be issued and I had caved in, perhaps I would have walked away a few years later as the bitterness (of the "blackmail") ate away at me.
How many times do we all see posts on this forum from single mothers troubled by money and relationship problems where we might suspect a child had been conceived to mend a doomed relationship.
Good luck.