wanting a child and partner doesn't

determined_new_ms

!!!!!! wrote: »

My advice to the OP's partner is to start wearing double condoms to prevent 'accidents'

:rotfl: ha ha thanks for the light relief! despite advice from other women who have suggested this, no this is definitely not something my oh has to be concerned about! As stated we have a really good relationship, neither of us who do something behind the back of the other person.

If we decided to have a child it would need to be something that we both wanted to do. I don't believe parenthood being forced on him would be the best start to a child's life, or his!

Re not going to Brazil, no that's not true. I do have reservations about leaving all of my loved ones, and am a little scared! But I don't think we couldn't do this with a child

determined_new_ms

gfplux wrote: »

" My oh would be a wonderful father and I know that we would do a good job of raising a child together."

Why do you say this when he does not want a child.

I say this for many reasons - how he is/was with my two, difficult, teens, how he helped me through this and helped me to change the way I dealt with the issues. How he is when we look after other's children. He is a very intelligent man, very patient and giving, has had a really good upbringing himself. We are a very good team and are both settled

scottishchick27

I was in your situation a year ago, I tried to put the idea of having another baby to the back of my mind but the thought wouldn't go away. Eventually I gave my OH an ultimatum, which wasn't easy, that if we didn't try for another baby then I wanted to split up. I knew in years to come I'd resent him if I didn't have another one. Thankfully he came round to the idea and now he is as pleased as punch that we are expecting a baby boy. I know my story could've ended badly and my DD would've had to live apart from her dad, but thankfully it didn't. It's a horrible choice to have to make and I wish you the best x

Dunroamin

determined_new_ms wrote: »

I say this for many reasons - how he is/was with my two, difficult, teens, how he helped me through this and helped me to change the way I dealt with the issues. How he is when we look after other's children. He is a very intelligent man, very patient and giving, has had a really good upbringing himself. We are a very good team and are both settled

Then trust him to know his own mind and his opinion on what's best for you as a couple.

marisco_2

I would suggest having a very frank and honest discussion with your partner about all you are thinking and feeling. From the way you write about him you seem to feel this guy is your life partner and are now very worried that your lives appear to be heading in different directions. He wants one thing and you want another.

You think that it is unlikely he will want children. There are times though when he probably thought the same about yourself. You have changed your mind about having children. Could it be that he doesn't want them now but might in a year or so?

Playing devils advocate here, if you split with him it could take time to meet someone new that you felt as happy with, as in love with and to view them in the same way you do this guy. There is no guarantee, as with everything in life, that a new guy would necessarilly want children. Even if he did who is to say that pregnancy would happen quickly.

It must be very difficult to be at such a crossroads in life. I wish you well in working your way through it.

determined_new_ms

marisco wrote: »

I would suggest having a very frank and honest discussion with your partner about all you are thinking and feeling. From the way you write about him you seem to feel this guy is your life partner and are now very worried that your lives appear to be heading in different directions. He wants one thing and you want another.

You think that it is unlikely he will want children. There are times though when he probably thought the same about yourself. You have changed your mind about having children. Could it be that he doesn't want them now but might in a year or so?

Playing devils advocate here, if you split with him it could take time to meet someone new that you felt as happy with, as in love with and to view them in the same way you do this guy. There is no guarantee, as with everything in life, that a new guy would necessarilly want children. Even if he did who is to say that pregnancy would happen quickly.

It must be very difficult to be at such a crossroads in life. I wish you well in working your way through it.

thank you for summarising my thoughts much more succinctly than I was able to! This is exactly what I am feeling and it is a little confusing. Don't want to be without him and possibly later in life regret parting with him, don't want to regret not trying for another child.

Of course it is very possible he may change his mind later on - I definitely didn't want another child at 31 - and I may still be able to have a child if this happens.

I feel I probably have to accept I won't have another and if the time comes and it is possible later on... I always thought I would have another child later in my life, but probably have to come to terms with the loss of this dream. When its all written down, I can't imagine not being with him or finding someone else who I feel as much for

marisco_2

Does your partner have any family in the UK or are they all abroad in Brazil? Could it be that part of the reason for not wanting children is the lack of his family being round you both here to help and be part of a childs life?

Before having children myself it was very important to me to have everything in life just as I felt it needed to be. I must sound so spoilt and unrealistic saying that. I was not at all naturally maternal though and the thought of being someones mum terrified me. Having a baby was a huge step for me and not something I felt I could cope with or consider until I was ready and financially secure. As things turned out, less than 4 years after having my eldest, I was a lone parent raising two boys by myself. The one thing I had always promised myself would never happen to me.

Your partner sounds great. You know what a fundamental part he has played in helping you raise your children. You admire how he is with other peoples' children. What an intelligient and grounded person he is. Naturally you see potential in him being a wonderful parent. You are also intelligient and very astute though. You know deep down that there is a huge difference between him being like this and him making a good dad if the desire to be just that isn't in him.

I am sure you did your absolute best when raising your children. Parenthood is the hardest job in the entire world. I have found it to be like crossing a minefield at times. Not one parent alive doesn't have regrets or wish they had done things differently when raising their kids. My dad freely admits to this, yet I adore him and look back on my childhhood as the happiest time of my life. He told me when he became a grandad that it was like a second chance to him. I have no idea what he was talking about as I view how he raised me very favourably. If you have feelings of regret or worry over what happened in the past I would urge you to speak with your kids. Talk through things that you feel uneasy about. I bet you a pound to a penny that they will put your mind at rest. Maybe think about counselling if you want to discuss things with someone more impartial. Dont berate yourself over and over, its very destructive.

determined_new_ms

His mum & dad are in the uk. As is his father's family, he is not close to the extended family although they get on. His family on his mother's side is mostly in Brazil.

He says that financially he worries how we would cope with the loss of earnings in the first 5 years, as we would like one of us to be a stay at home parent, or at least work part time. We are ok financially and have a joint income of £47000 but obviously that would be less. The work aspect of having a child worries him! As does not having the time and freedom to do the things we enjoy doing - travelling mainly. Although my children are now growing older and things have settled they still have difficulties and are teenagers after all! He always had the idea when he had children he would have everything in place and would be brining a child into a very peaceful and settled world

helnel

I am not and have not been in your position, but I have had the dilemma of whether or not to start a family. I am now 38 and only married 4 years ago. I had always assumed I would have a family, but didn't feel in any hurry. Hubby felt the same way. It was only after snapping at well-meaning siblings asking when we were going to start that I realised I actually didn't want any children - and hubby revealed he didn't think I'd cope very well! This was a year ago, and since then I've felt as though a weight has lifted. I think a lot of couples have children as that is what people expect, without fully thinking through how this will affect them as a couple. I love my husband dearly and knew that relationship would change if we had children - my priorities would be focussed on the child/ren rather than on him and us, and I don't want that to change. I suppose my advice to the OP is to think about the reasons you want another child and how your relationship with your OH will change - as a result of either having or not having another child.

Good luck!

ktb

Ouch! I recognise this senario all too well. I found myself in a similar position with my ex and it was a total dealbreaker for us (especially as I didnt have kids already). We were together for 4 years, best mates and he was the first person I could imagine growing old with. It was devastating to me that there was no way around it for us, but I knew what I had to do. This is a pretty fundamental issue in my opinion and dealing with/resisting maternal urges can't always be a completely rational process.

I am so glad I chose to walk away though, as 3 years later (after much heartache, I admit) I am now with someone I love to bits who wants exactly the same things I do and we can't wait to start our family. I couldn't be happier and it was definitely worth all the pain.

Some tough choices ahead for you OP - but whatever you decide, try and commit wholeheartedly to whichever decision you make and try not to wallow in 'what ifs' or regrets. Life is way too short.