HELP! I'm married and now I want to end it! :(

Mr_Vee

Rupa wrote: »

No, please don't close the topic! It's great! Poor girl in India, but she will find someone else I am sure. Maybe time you left home??? Any student accommodation going spare?

Perhaps... but that'd have an even more major effect on my studies. Besides, I reckon my parents and the rest of the community may be mad for a while... but they do love me and will come round eventually. Maybe its a good time to call on a best friends sofa for a few weeks til its all cleared.

Gotta go to the citizens advice bureau now for some proper legal advice... back later!

pinkshoes

Hello Mr Vee!

By the sounds of it, you sound more British than Indian (in attitude), and I detect a little annoyance at your parents in your postings for arranging such a thing without telling you this was their purpose for taking you to India for a month. And quite rightfully too...

You also sound like you know what qualities you'd like in a girl, and would i be right in saying that you're not overly impressed with your 'wife' for giving up her entire life in India immediately just to come and live in the UK, even though nothing's been arranged yet? It sounds to me that her life in india wasnt so bad!

At the end of the day, you only get one attempt at life, and you have to be true to yourself. For now, concentrate on your studies and pass your exams. It would be wiser to wait until you have your degree, and are settled in a career before bringing this woman over to england, which could take a couple of years. If she's willing to wait and continue her studies in India during this time, then that's fine, and it will show that she genuinely wants to be with you rather than just coming to the UK. If not, then tell her that the marriage should be annulled, and she'll be free to marry someone else.

My comment about you seeming more british than indian was just that you seem to want to pick a partner for yourself, and do it in a less traditional way.

I know none of this is going to be easy, but just do what YOU feel is right. Your parents had no right to organise such a marriage, and maybe you think that they'll be angry with you for pulling out, but at the same time, i presume you're rather angry at them for crossing the line. They were the ones in the wrong, and I know how pushy families can be so I understand why you did it, but you really need to stand up for yourself now, as you're an adult, not a child.

Mr_Vee

pinkshoes wrote: »

Hello Mr Vee!

By the sounds of it, you sound more British than Indian (in attitude), and I detect a little annoyance at your parents in your postings for arranging such a thing without telling you this was their purpose for taking you to India for a month. And quite rightfully too...

You also sound like you know what qualities you'd like in a girl, and would i be right in saying that you're not overly impressed with your 'wife' for giving up her entire life in India immediately just to come and live in the UK, even though nothing's been arranged yet? It sounds to me that her life in india wasnt so bad!

At the end of the day, you only get one attempt at life, and you have to be true to yourself. For now, concentrate on your studies and pass your exams. It would be wiser to wait until you have your degree, and are settled in a career before bringing this woman over to england, which could take a couple of years. If she's willing to wait and continue her studies in India during this time, then that's fine, and it will show that she genuinely wants to be with you rather than just coming to the UK. If not, then tell her that the marriage should be annulled, and she'll be free to marry someone else.

My comment about you seeming more british than indian was just that you seem to want to pick a partner for yourself, and do it in a less traditional way.

I know none of this is going to be easy, but just do what YOU feel is right. Your parents had no right to organise such a marriage, and maybe you think that they'll be angry with you for pulling out, but at the same time, i presume you're rather angry at them for crossing the line. They were the ones in the wrong, and I know how pushy families can be so I understand why you did it, but you really need to stand up for yourself now, as you're an adult, not a child.

Pinkshoes, you have hit the nail on the head... All of what you have said is correct. I really wouldn’t expect any woman to give up what she does for me. Least of all to marry/ move over here! I want to choose my own wife and do it the normal way and not in an arranged manner.

As for the exams, I could wait until after my exams - that would be the best option as far as getting the exams done and passing goes. But, by then her family as well as my parents would probably be on my case and wondering why I’ve not sent them the relevant evidence for her visa application. They are always asking about it each time they are on the phone and it’s only been about 4 weeks since I've been back, so you can imagine how they will be like in another 4 weeks! Plus, to top it all off, 4th April is her birthday… so now that is definitely a major issue in sorting this all out!

Before her birthday or after? Before exams or after? Hmmmmm… :eek:

Time-wise: My exams are in about 7 weeks... and say in 4 weeks time, they DO suspect something and start nagging me, it will almost definitely interfere with my revision.

I’ve discussed my feelings and possible plan of action with my siblings and they are pretty much behind me. I’ve come to the conclusion that the only real option is to get everything out in the open ASAP. That way even if there is any backlash for a few weeks from now, I will still have sufficient time to revise properly and pass (touch wood!).

I know my parents quite well and yet I still don’t know how to approach them on this delicate matter. So now comes the even trickier bit, what is the best way to approach my parents!!?

viktory

Stand up and be a man. Tell them you felt pressurised, you made a mistake and now you are going to rectify that mistake by speaking to your wife in person, telling her that the marriage is over and then setting about dissolving the marriage.

If you parents are decent human beings they will accept this and continue to love and support you.

melancholly

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/6501451.stm

interesting article that's relevant to this thead called 'Marriage visa age to rise to 21'

pinkshoes

I’ve discussed my feelings and possible plan of action with my siblings and they are pretty much behind me. I’ve come to the conclusion that the only real option is to get everything out in the open ASAP. That way even if there is any backlash for a few weeks from now, I will still have sufficient time to revise properly and pass (touch wood!).

That's fantastic you have your siblings on your side, so it's not like you're going to loose your entire family just for being honest! I'm sure your parents just want you to be happy too! I really would tell them ASAP, and get it over and done with, so you're then free to concentrate on your studies. The longer you leave it, the harder it'll be.

Good luck, and let us know how you get on!

Hpriddle1

Mr Vee I feel very sorry for you not only for your situation but due to the ignorance of some people. I am shocked how you have come on this site for advice as the victim and all of a sudden you have been attacked. I don't feel I need to give advice as I can see others have done that for you. I just wanted to write my support for your situation and that I hope it all works out for you eventually.

The influence of many cultures being all bought in to one does create some difficult situtations. I really hope that your parents are understanding of your situtation and opinion. Good luck

skyrocket

how are things going mr vee?
i just wondered if you'd reached any decisions yet?

Mr_Vee

Well i went to the CAB. (WHAT A JOKE THAT PLACE IS! Waiting and waiting and waiting... and they only see 6 people like twice a week!) Anyway, the advisor there was very helpful and told me it's a pretty straight forward case - as I seem to have a couple of valid points as grounds for annulment. She advised me to find a lawyer dealing in family law (preferably with some knowledge on immigration) and for the past couple of days i've been hunting one down. I have no idea of the costs involved but i did a quick google search and got one result saying £2000!!!

I have told my parents my side of the story but they are still somehow not fully accepting it. They keep asking, "so anything new? decided anything?" etc... And all i have to say in return is, "you know my decision". However, I think it is getting through to them and they are very slowly accepting it.

Being the kinda guy that I am, I would rather have my parents "on my side" rather than go all gun-ho and go it alone. Going alone would make things a lot more complicated for no reason. I am going to wait til the end of today (sat) and then go about telling my wife/ her family about it sometime tomorrow.

Toto

Good luck Mr Vee, if it helps at all I think you are doinf absolutely the right thing. This is your life and you only get to live it once. I think you sound like such a level headed sensible guy, you know what is important to you and where you want to go with your life. I have come to learn over the past few years that one of the most precious gifts we can give ourselves is choice, keeping our lives as free as possible of the stuff we don't want which limits our options, debt, unhappy marriages etc.

I once shared a house with an Indian girl and I learned a lot about Hindu culture, lots of it I envied to be honest. I loved the closeness of the community and the family, but many times she cried to me about how she wished she could change her families mind about arranging a marriage for her. She was 24 at the time and was doing her Ph.D, she wanted to have a career, maybe move to another country, travel a bit, normal things really, but her family were keen to marry her into a family of their choice, have granchildren etc. I lost touch with her about two years ago when she did indeed give in to her families demands and married. I thought it was sad, two weeks before her wedding she sobbed on the phone to me about how she was now trapped and had no way out.

It sounds to me as if you are really lucky in that you will still have a supportive family when you decide to annul this marriage. I know it might take your parents a little bit of time to come around and they may feel hurt and upset but they do still love you.

You owe it to yourself now to grab your life with both hands, pass those exams and give yourself a bright and fantastic future, then when you are ready, choose your own partner.

Good luck again and please let us know how you are getting on.