THE CHALLENGE OF A FUTURE WITHOUT Mr 3Dogs ..... but friends will make it possible

edited 7 August 2012 at 9:16PM in Debt free diaries
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3Dogs3Dogs Forumite
14.1K Posts
edited 7 August 2012 at 9:16PM in Debt free diaries
I am starting a new diary from today as I return home and start my life without my Mr 3Dogs - my beloved w'angel - my lamb - my rock - my Alan :(

Since Alan was diagnosed with terminal bowel cancer on 22nd February and sadly died on 3rd July, I have been astonished and heartened by the support I have received from family, real-life friends and MSE friends. You have all helped me through this horrendous time and I thank you all, though 'thank you' seems so inadequate for the support I have received but I mean it from the bottom of my heart :A

It all seems to have happened so fast, that I don't think I have come to terms with it yet. A prognosis that went from '6 months to 2 years' and some chemo to help slow it down at the start, to 'more like months' and no chemo possible as he was too weak, to 'within the month' which was actually only a week :( Alan and I both determined to take it as it came and make the most of every minute, and we did what we could in the time we had, though not everything was possible with him being so weak

Most important thing was that we did it all together, I was with him all the way and at the end, and he knew that I was there. He died peacefully in my arms, having accepted the inevitable when his liver failed. I knew that Kit, Steve and Andy had promised him that they would look after me when they saw him that last weekend but what I didn't know until about a week ago was that he had asked them to promise to look after me and see that I was ok. This was when he gave them all a kiss and hug when we left on the Sunday. Steve was amazed that Alan gave him a kiss after always saying 'I'm not kissing you' :rotfl:I am crying my heart out now, typing this, as it is really shows that he knew at that time that the battle was lost

I know that I did everything I could for him and he knew this too. We talked about my future and he knew that I would be looked after, and, with his pension money, I would be able to manage financially. I told him everything I wanted to and needed to. We had time to say goodbye ............


But ....................................


This is my first time I have been really on my own, at home, in my own space ............... and only now can I scream out in self-pity ..... WHY HIM ............. WHY US ........... I want him back :mad: and I can really sob my heart out. People have said that Alan is still with me and I know he is in my heart, but I cannot feel him here ............ and I do so want to. In my self-pity, I feel cheated right now :o

But, I will pull myself together and carry on. I know that I can still have fun, as I did on holiday with the gang the last two weeks. I know that I can sort things out with his pension, DWP, Council, etc, as that is what I do best. I know that I will be ok and can have a good future

I am looking forward to getting Bess and Molly back from the kennels tomorrow afternoon and getting into a routine again, taking them for walks, going to the car boot/auction, and shopping especially at Tosco of course ;)

But for today, I will wallow in self-pity, miss my lamb like hell, curse the b*****d disease that took him so quickly, and have a drink later on tonight. Today is definitely a pj day for me ........ and maybe I'll have that drink now actually

Cheers to my Mr 3Dogs, whose avatar, which suited him so well, I have adopted

So here's to the future with my friends keeping me going. I meant to quote it at the time but didn't, but French Knickers referred to how well I was facing up to adversity and my mind went back to a school report when the teacher said:

Susan must learn to stand up in the face of adversity and not bow down to it

Well, I reckon Susan/3Dogs is still standing :D What do you think guys?


Added from a later post:

On this thread: We share our problems. We share our fears. We share our sorrow. We share our tears. We share our hopes. We share our joy. We share our laughter. We share our advice. We share our love :A
:( Mr 3Dogs 3-7-12 :( 3Dogs'Mam 31-3-13 :(
«13456790

Replies

  • catspawcatspaw Forumite
    667 Posts
    I am so sorry to hear of your loos, but you're right, you are still standing and you will keep going ( and you know that everyone hear will be behind you).
    Proud to be dealing with my debt:eek:

    TOTAL: £6,437 (04/01/2013) slowly but surely it is decreasing:D
  • JayJay14JayJay14 Forumite
    1.9K Posts
    My school report always said I didn't put my hand up and take part in the lesson enough - but I'm here putting my hand up to say how nice it is to have you back among us and if you need us at any time I'm sure there will always be one of us around to call on.

    I have no inkling of what you must have been going through and there will be times I am sure when it will feel like it is overwelming you but you are a lovely strong lady and you will get through the other side. I'm sure Alan will be watching over you with a big smile on his face.

    My Mum used to spray my Dad's aftershave in the bedroom - smell is an important sense - she didn't tell us for years as she thought we would think she was nuts :rotfl: Personally I thought it was inspired, the last thing you want is to forget and it helped her feel his presence.

    Thinking of you tonight, wish we were closer as I'd pop round for a drink too, will toast with coffee instead. To Alan, never to be forgotten (not to mention those hats :D)
  • AesopAesop Forumite
    23.8K Posts
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper Photogenic
    My Darling Susan

    I knew when you got home and were on your own, it would hurt, really hurt.

    I cried reading your post and want to be there to give you the biggest squidgy est hug. (sp)

    I am not going to say the usual things you will hear.

    It is not going to get easier overnight. You won't stop thinking/saying "I must tell Alan... wait until I get back, I can't wait to see Alan's face when he sees this/hears this."

    It will be good to see the dogs again, and to start getting into the routine again, going to the Carboot, sitting in the cafe having lunch/dinner and a good old natter.

    Yes Alan will always be with you and watching you. I know you can't feel him, take a piece of him with you wherever you go. His favourite scarf (please not the Sunderland one :D), spray his favourite aftershave on it. And feel this, and when you feel it, feel Alan there with you.

    It is going to be hard Susan, I am not soft soaping you. But you are an amazing woman. The way you have coped, the way you have kept everyone updated and made sure everyone saw Alan before he left, shows just how huge your heart is, and how much love you have to give.

    Susan is still standing :D and she is a lesson to all of us in dignity and adversity :)

    :beer: Here raising a glass to Alan. xxxx
  • 3Dogs3Dogs Forumite
    14.1K Posts
    Thank you Catspaw - must be brave posting on a 3 dogs thread as a cat ;)

    Thanks JayJa,y and Aesop, you've got me crying again :D

    I have been catching up on the Coupon thread tonight as I watched the Olympics - been watching them since I got up actually. Shame for the diving but what a wonderful performance for Team GB in the gymnastics :j :j

    Off I go to the Tosco thread to post on there now :D
    :( Mr 3Dogs 3-7-12 :( 3Dogs'Mam 31-3-13 :(
  • kerri_gtkerri_gt Forumite
    11K Posts
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper Xmas Saver!
    Forumite
    Hi Susan, your post has bought a very large lump to my throat so I'll keep it short but just wanted to give you a big hug. I can totally relate to the way you are feeling through experiences of my own (similar but also different, but I won't go into those as this isn't about me). You crack on with the screaming and crying, you're perfectly entitled to - it's not fair. Don't let anyone tell you how you should or shouldn't be feeling, it's your grief and no one elses (they have their own too). Sometimes you'll feel Alan around, and sometimes he won't seem quite so near, but he'll always always be in your heart.

    They'll be good days and bad days, but you will manage to get through them as you're an amazing person and have wonderful friends and family to support you.

    Oh heck, time for the kleenex again. xx Thank you for being an inspiration to us all xx
    Feb 2015 NSD Challenge 8/12
    JAN NSD 11/16


  • XandersmumXandersmum Forumite
    493 Posts
    Hi Susan, I'm so sorry for your loss! I had seen you both about on the boards as a lurker, and I have just read your post in tears!

    You certainly are still standing hon, and some days will be easier to stand than others! I lost my Mum to Lung cancer last October and it really is a B*****d disease. I still feel like pyjama days even now, and I'm sure it is even harder for my stepdad. The sorting out and admin will take you through the next few weeks at least, and then just take every day as it comes and don't beat yourself up about any emotion that comes your way.

    Have fun with Bess and Molly - I bet they have missed their mum! Take care of yourself xxx

    Make £10 a day June 103.04/300


    Declutter 2018 in 2018 3/2018

  • 3Dogs3Dogs Forumite
    14.1K Posts
    kerri_gt wrote: »
    Oh heck, time for the kleenex again. xx Thank you for being an inspiration to us all xx

    Me too again :o
    Xandersmum wrote: »
    Hi Susan, I'm so sorry for your loss! I had seen you both about on the boards as a lurker, and I have just read your post in tears!

    You certainly are still standing hon, and some days will be easier to stand than others! I lost my Mum to Lung cancer last October and it really is a B*****d disease. I still feel like pyjama days even now, and I'm sure it is even harder for my stepdad. The sorting out and admin will take you through the next few weeks at least, and then just take every day as it comes and don't beat yourself up about any emotion that comes your way.

    Have fun with Bess and Molly - I bet they have missed their mum! Take care of yourself xxx

    Sorry about your Mum hun and thanks for your kind words :A
    :( Mr 3Dogs 3-7-12 :( 3Dogs'Mam 31-3-13 :(
  • 3Dogs3Dogs Forumite
    14.1K Posts
    Well I am off to bed now so will say night night all - sleep well :beer:
    :( Mr 3Dogs 3-7-12 :( 3Dogs'Mam 31-3-13 :(
  • Susan you certainly are still standing you showed amazing strength through adversity and with the help of your friends, family and virtual friends you will make it through. Its early days yet but you know you will always find words of comfort here.

    I think you are an amazing lady :A
  • Laura_CelloLaura_Cello Forumite
    1.1K Posts
    Next year 3Dogs, when you come to Goodwood ;) I will give you a proper hug and thank you for always seeing the glass as not only half full, but recognising all the hidden good - the DTD wine in the glass, and the fact that the glass was RTC at 37p instead of the £14 it used to be...

    You will carry on because you are a believer in life- and you bring joy to many. x
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