How to leave an impulsive OH you live with?

Jinx

You CAN leave without telling him and to be honest it sounds like the only safe, sensible thing to do. I'd leave him a note so he does actually know you are gone for good but yes, you can leave without doing it face to face.

He sounds like a nutter, if you told your friends any of this, they would say the same as the posters here...

claire16c

Call Womens Aid and leave as soon as you can. You are in an abusive relationship and the way he is acting is not normal.

You need to be extremely careful because if he finds out you are planning to leave he could be really dangerous.

If i was you I would call in sick to work, and when hes out, pack a bag, call womens aid and get the hell out of there.

They can help you sort out what to do. dont worry about what anyone else thinks, but Im sure your friend and family would be absolutely horrified if they knew you were suffering living with someone like this.

amyloofoo

worriedmoneysaver wrote: »

I want to break up with my OH but don't know how to leave as we live together and I think that he might kick off. If you think he might 'kick off' because you want to leave, then you need to leave before he has the opportunity. You're his girlfriend, not his mother - you have no responsibility to stay when this 'relationship' is just making you miserable.

We've been together 2 years and lived together for 5 months but have been growing apart for the last few months. I've always known he was cold and mutual friends told me he was very weird but I just didn't see it before. It's hard to truly 'know' a partner without living with them. It sounds like you've now truly discovered your bf's personality, and don't really like it. I know 2 years feels like a long time to 'lose' on a bad relationship, but it's only going to get longer if you stay.


Recently I lost some close relatives in a short period of time and he didn't understand how I was upset and didn't want sex and moaned at me for spending too much time with my family. At first he pushed and moaned for sex until I gave in but it made me feel so bad after a few times that I started to fight back and scream until he left me alone. Of course I tried being calm and talking about it, I try to talk through any issues but it's in one ear and out the other and my opinion isn't valid unless he agrees with it! I'm sorry OP, but this is abuse.Your partner should be there for you whether times are good or bad, and his lack of understanding and insistence on having his own needs gratified does not speak well to his character. Leave now, or in a few years you'll be saying 'he didn't care for me when [insert personal tragedy] happened, and he only thinks of his own needs'. You've tried talking to him about it, it's had no effect, it's time to go.

We spoke about the lack of sex two weeks ago and he said I have no reason not to have sex, we don't have a relatonship without passion and didn't talk to me for a few days. He left a piece of paper with details of studio flats next to his pc but days later was talking to me again and said he would never move out. I don't want to try with the relationship anymore I just want it over with. Emotional abuse plain and simple. Don't stand for it.

I don't know if I am being silly but I'm scared that when I tell him I want to leave he will do something crazy. He is very impulsive, has bad mood swings and has said that if we weren't together he would be dead(he tried to commit suicide before we met). In the past he's said that if I cheated or really hurt him he would destroy everything that is important to me and makes threats that he says are a joke but I think are too sick to be funny. Like saying one night he'll put a soldering iron in my bits and turn it on. I found out recently that he watches !!!!!! that I can only describe as torture and can't bare to watch so guess that is where these ideas come from. You need to leave. You need to leave when he's not at home, you need to have proper support to do it and you need to never go back. If any of these fears are genuine at all, then talk to your local Domestic Violence service and they should be able to help you. Please let your family or friends know about your concerns and get help in staying strong and keeping away from him.

It's not your place to be concerned about him - manipulative people aren't really likely to seriously harm themselves anyway (when there's not an audience to hurt). The best thing you can do for the personal safety of yourself and him is to leave and cut all contact. That way he has no audience for any self-serving manipulation and no way to hurt you.

He has never physically hurt me (he goes too far sometimes when he says he's playing) but he has the strength to do so if he ever wanted and is unpredictable. I guess I am scared of what a malicious suicidal person might do, it's the sort of crazy scary thing you hear about in the news. Saying he's playing doesn't mean it didn't hurt, and doesn't mean it isn't abuse. You're right, this is the sort of 'crazy, scary thing you hear about in the news'; and you should follow the advice you'd give to any of the women involved in those stories - leave and don't go back.

I don't really want to tell him I'm leaving and then have to spend weeks still living with him. But just physically getting out is so difficult and slow. I have no family or close friends within 100 miles, I moved and got a job here for him- stupid I know! I don't drive though I do have friends and family who would help me move. We have paid the next three months rent on our house already and have to give two months notice of leaving so that is not a huge issue.

If you have friends and family that will help you move then you're in a better position than lots of people. How supportive is your employer? Would it be possible to take a few days of compassionate leave in order to get things sorted (especially if you've just had some bereavements too)? Don't let a couple of hundred quid, a few days or a longer commute keep you in a position which you know is dangerous. If you want to stay in the same area then please approach your local coucil and inform them of your position - they have a duty of care to you and their domestic violence team should be able to help. Women's Aid, Shelter and Refuge should all be able to offer you help and support, and there's bound to be a women's refuge in your area too that you can turn to if there are no friends or family willing you lend you a couch until the council sorts things out.

How can I get myself a new place to live and move out without him knowing? Whilst I would love to just disappear while he is at work one day I can't do that I can't leave without telling him I'm leaving him!
I'm 23 and have never left someone before so I really need any advice people can give. I don't want to ask friends and family for advice as I know what they're like they would overreact and be down here kicking his !!!! if they knew some of the stuff he says or does.

If your friends and family would feel so strongly about how he's impacting your life and damaging your wellbeing then why don't you?

Sorry this is such a long post. I know i'm not perfect and i've been a bit stupid but please be nice. I don't have the strength right now to deal with being criticised and attacked the way some posters here are but I'm desperate.

No-one here is going to criticise you, you're 23 and going through something that lots of us have experienced, but that no-one should have to. Please, just follow the advice that I know lots of people are going to give and leave, as soon as you can, and without considering his needs above your own.

:grouphug: I know it's hard, but you have to be strong. It's really good that you're seeking advice, but please don't just listen to strangers on a forum, contact the experts at Women's Aid or Refuge and get some properly tailored advice.

paddy's_mum

worriedmoneysaver wrote: »

I don't want to ask friends and family for advice as I know what they're like they would overreact and be down here kicking his !!!! if they knew some of the stuff he says or does.

In your shoes, I'd be onto Women's Aid and the Police in a heartbeat - today, now - and then I'd be calling my family to come and rescue me.

What you have where you are now is only a job. You can find another job once you return to your home area, don't you think? The best job in the world is no darned good to you if you wake up dead in a ditch some morning, is it?

What you will have 'at home' is friends, a social life, a support network and family who will love you for who you are, not to provide very unhealthy sexual favours and be the docile recipient of abuse and aberrations.

I'm quite certain that your current boss would be more than sympathetic if you were to go to him/her and explain what's going on and why you need their tolerance and understand while you seek help. It's a harsh human being who will just shrug their shoulders and say jog on ...

As for the 'kicking of ....' - perhaps knowing that you are not friendless, isolated, terrified and downtrodden might be the very thing that convinces this bully (that you still honour and glorify with the term Other Half, by the way!) that he might be wise to just let you alone in the future or else face the repercussions.

You're a brave young woman and you will come out of this stronger, better and wiser. Now - off you go to the phone and good luck. You deserve it.

~Chameleon~

This is mental/emotional abuse and you should leave immediately. Abuse doesn't always have to be physical and this can often be far more damaging. Good luck and let us know you're safe ((hugs)).

heretolearn_2

oh honey, please just do what you have to do to leave. This is not a 'real' relationship, it's an abusive one, and you are worth so much more than this.

I helped a young girl at work with this once, she needed to get out, her boyfriend was a nasty piece of work too. I offered to go help her move and she said I didn't need to as her friends were going to help her, but I thought it might be a good idea to have someone a bit older and not so connected on the scene. She moved out while he was at work and in the end only me and her dad had the guts to show up. We loaded all her stuff on a van, she left him a note, and she was away. She got a couple of funny messages from him but just ignored those and never heard from him again. (and we went on to become great friends).

She spent a couple of years back with her parents saving up, then she bought her own flat, and now she's just bought a house with her lovely fiancee and is happy as anything.

Life is too short to be with a scumbag.

System

To be honest, the only way you can leave this guy safely is to do a dissappearing act.

I can't leave without telling him I'm leaving him!

Yes you can, just go. I think he knows already his relationship is doomed if he is using threats to control you.

You have friends and family who will support you..... Use them!

sassyblue

worriedmoneysaver wrote: »

I don't want to ask friends and family for advice as I know what they're like they would overreact and be down here kicking his !!!! if they knew some of the stuff he says or does.

Either call womens aid or use your family and friends above to help you get out. But GET OUT you must.

When you've left change your phone number too.

It's said that people like this who threaten suicide as a means of control rarely follow through, but anyway you owe him NOTHING so when you've gone forget him.

Good Luck x

rdchick

I know it's scary but like the others have said, you need to leave, take the day off work, pack your things and get out. If you leave a note explain that if he tries to contact you, you will call the police. He is an emotional abuser and I don't think it would be long before something gets out of hand.

You are number one in this sweet, and you need to make sure you're safe and happy at all times xxx

puddy

spareroom.com

find yourself something within a commuting distance of your work but on the opposite side of your work from where you live now

do it all by mobile phone, as these are usually room shares the deposit wont be a lot and they sometimes dont even want references

book a 'man with a van', pick a work day, take the day off, your OH goes to work, you pack up, move in the van, unpack at the new room you are lodging in, job done