How to leave an impulsive OH you live with?

worriedmoneysaver

I want to break up with my OH but don't know how to leave as we live together and I think that he might kick off. We've been together 2 years and lived together for 5 months but have been growing apart for the last few months. I've always known he was cold and mutual friends told me he was very weird but I just didn't see it before.


Recently I lost some close relatives in a short period of time and he didn't understand how I was upset and didn't want sex and moaned at me for spending too much time with my family. At first he pushed and moaned for sex until I gave in but it made me feel so bad after a few times that I started to fight back and scream until he left me alone. Of course I tried being calm and talking about it, I try to talk through any issues but it's in one ear and out the other and my opinion isn't valid unless he agrees with it!
We spoke about the lack of sex two weeks ago and he said I have no reason not to have sex, we don't have a relatonship without passion and didn't talk to me for a few days. He left a piece of paper with details of studio flats next to his pc but days later was talking to me again and said he would never move out. I don't want to try with the relationship anymore I just want it over with.

I don't know if I am being silly but I'm scared that when I tell him I want to leave he will do something crazy. He is very impulsive, has bad mood swings and has said that if we weren't together he would be dead(he tried to commit suicide before we met). In the past he's said that if I cheated or really hurt him he would destroy everything that is important to me and makes threats that he says are a joke but I think are too sick to be funny. Like saying one night he'll put a soldering iron in my bits and turn it on. I found out recently that he watches !!!!!! that I can only describe as torture and can't bare to watch so guess that is where these ideas come from.

He has never physically hurt me (he goes too far sometimes when he says he's playing) but he has the strength to do so if he ever wanted and is unpredictable. I guess I am scared of what a malicious suicidal person might do, it's the sort of crazy scary thing you hear about in the news.

I don't really want to tell him I'm leaving and then have to spend weeks still living with him. But just physically getting out is so difficult and slow. I have no family or close friends within 100 miles, I moved and got a job here for him- stupid I know! I don't drive though I do have friends and family who would help me move. We have paid the next three months rent on our house already and have to give two months notice of leaving so that is not a huge issue.



How can I get myself a new place to live and move out without him knowing? Whilst I would love to just disappear while he is at work one day I can't do that I can't leave without telling him I'm leaving him!
I'm 23 and have never left someone before so I really need any advice people can give. I don't want to ask friends and family for advice as I know what they're like they would overreact and be down here kicking his !!!! if they knew some of the stuff he says or does.

Sorry this is such a long post. I know i'm not perfect and i've been a bit stupid but please be nice. I don't have the strength right now to deal with being criticised and attacked the way some posters here are but I'm desperate.

raven83

He sounds a very detached individual, it is perfectly understandable that you wouldn't feel like sex after a lose, he needs to fix up!!!! To me he sounds like an emotional bully with his threats. Have you got any family or friends near you?

pinkclouds

worriedmoneysaver wrote: »

Whilst I would love to just disappear while he is at work one day I can't do that I can't leave without telling him I'm leaving him!

From the picture you've painted of him, why wouldn't you want to just leave without telling him?? You have friends and family who can help you move (and presumably put you up till you find a new rental). Write a short note ("It's over") if you must but I think the empty apartment and lack of your belongings will be sufficient clue.

He sounds nasty and I think you're right to walk out on him. Frankly, if he does commit suicide, it's not your fault. Don't let that weigh on your mind for even a second. If he does something to you... it's definitely his fault! Don't let him have that opportunity.

paddy's_mum

I truly don't want to be thought to be having a go at you but by heaven you need to start calling things what they actually are. To do anything else is stupid.

What you describe isn't 'impulsive'. It's called sick, cruel, and very, very unhealthy.

Now say just why you can't leave without telling him? Give a sensible answer and perhaps people will give you good, solid, practical advice.

You have to grasp that sometimes people can be their own worst enemy and in those circumstances, nothing anyone can say will make a jot of difference.

worriedmoneysaver

In all honestly I don't know I just thought that I would have to explain to him we were over or he might think I had just moved or was going away for a while and would try to get in touch with me. I don't want him harassing my friends and family. I didn't even think of leaving a note.

I could move home but then I would be commuting 120 miles a day to work which I don't think I could keep up for more than a few weeks. I'm not close enough to stay with anyone locally.

worriedmoneysaver

paddy's_mum wrote: »

I truly don't want to be thought to be having a go at you but by heaven you need to start calling things what they actually are. To do anything else is stupid.

What you describe isn't 'impulsive'. It's called sick, cruel, and very, very unhealthy.

Now say just why you can't leave without telling him? Give a sensible answer and perhaps people will give you good, solid, practical advice.

You have to grasp that sometimes people can be their own worst enemy and in those circumstances, nothing anyone can say will make a jot of difference.

I was worried people would accuse me of being a liar or saying it was my fault sorry.
I haven't been in a serious relationship whereas he has and he says he knows how a real relationship is supposed to work. I think part of the reason i wanted to post was because I feel like he's quite nasty but he doesn't so I don't know if I'm right or wrong and should actually be worried or not.

jayII

I would contact Woman's Aid and go get their advice and support. You're afraid for your safety if you tell him you're leaving... I'd say that may be enough reason to go into a refuge in the short term.

Alternatively, you could look at living in other short term accomodation, such as a youth hostel or a cheap hotel near your workplace. Just until you find a new flat or house. Good luck, please be safe!

go_cat

It doesn't matter what everyone else thinks, your sanity and safety come first

mrsrwallace

I agree with contacting Women's Aid, they can and will help you with all practical and emotional assistance you need. Also, is there anyone you work with who you could maybe stay with for a while or ask them if they know anyone with a room to let to give you space to sort something permanent?

I agree that he is controlling and you said you don't want to stay with him so the relationship is over from what i can see and any man who forces you to do anything sexually against your will is vile and committing assault so can be reported to the police. In the meantime if I were you I'd arrange somewhere to live immediately and then get the hell out of there, if he takes his own life then that is his doing, not yours. Be strong and be safe x

Lotus-eater

Are you taking any holiday from work and the main point I suppose do you want to stay in the area you are in?

If you have holiday from work, just move out with friends and family help and stay with them for a week or so, gives you time to get something sorted for yourself.

But get out and fast, this guy is seriously deranged.

pinkclouds

worriedmoneysaver wrote: »

I was worried people would accuse me of being a liar or saying it was my fault sorry.
I haven't been in a serious relationship whereas he has and he says he knows how a real relationship is supposed to work. I think part of the reason i wanted to post was because I feel like he's quite nasty but he doesn't so I don't know if I'm right or wrong and should actually be worried or not.

There is no way you deserve someone threatening you with violent torture. Do not pass the time of day with anyone who isn't on your side.

You don't need to have dozens of relationships to know if this one feels right. You might as well say: I've only had one mom so I'm not sure if she's nice enough because she doesn't bake enough cookies!

Put it another way, if you were your daughter (imagine you had one) and she was in this situation then what would you do/say?

If family/friends cannot assist you at this time/speedily enough, then I think the suggestion of Women's Aid is a good one.