How to leave an impulsive OH you live with?

Lotus-eater

worriedmoneysaver wrote: »

Thank you for the replies sorry I have only just been able to reply but I have been reading the replies on my phone throughout the day.

I really don't want to leave my job as it's very good and a hard to get into career. He doesn't know the address, just the nearest station and it's London so I think I could get far enough away to never bump into him. I'm still on probation so I don't want anyone at work to find out in case they think I'm a liability but I will see if I can book a day off soon. Otherwise I will have to wait until he's out which would only be for a few hours and doesn't happen often.

I am visiting my family this weekend and will take my valuables and have also packed a big bag of clothes etc to take. I told my OH that they are old clothes for my sisters and he believed it so think I can get away with gradually moving some stuff out so if I need to go in an hour in a taxi I can.

I don't think he would stay away just because the police told him too, I think it would make him seriously angry and I just want to keep him calm while I figure out what to do.

Use this as an opportunity and DON'T GO BACK, get your family to either go and get the rest of your stuff, or go with them if you want to.
Tell them whatever you want, considering what he's threatened to do to you, you shouldn't be so worried about what they might do to him.

Seriously, don't go back.

jayII

Lotus-eater wrote: »

Use this as an opportunity and DON'T GO BACK, get your family to either go and get the rest of your stuff, or go with them if you want to.
Tell them whatever you want, considering what he's threatened to do to you, you shouldn't be so worried about what they might do to him.

Seriously, don't go back.

I second this, a million times!

Just leave. Please don't take the risk of him guessing your plans while he can still hurt you.

He sounds extremely unpredictable and dangerous.

amyloofoo

worriedmoneysaver wrote: »

Thank you for the replies sorry I have only just been able to reply but I have been reading the replies on my phone throughout the day.

I really don't want to leave my job as it's very good and a hard to get into career. He doesn't know the address, just the nearest station and it's London so I think I could get far enough away to never bump into him. I'm still on probation so I don't want anyone at work to find out in case they think I'm a liability but I will see if I can book a day off soon. Otherwise I will have to wait until he's out which would only be for a few hours and doesn't happen often.

I am visiting my family this weekend and will take my valuables and have also packed a big bag of clothes etc to take. I told my OH that they are old clothes for my sisters and he believed it so think I can get away with gradually moving some stuff out so if I need to go in an hour in a taxi I can.

I don't think he would stay away just because the police told him too, I think it would make him seriously angry and I just want to keep him calm while I figure out what to do.

These are all positive steps, but you shouldn't take these measures as making it safe enough for you to stay. While you're at home with the 'rents, seriously consider disclosing how bad things have got to your family, and see if they will be able to help you to move somewhere safe for yourself. It's good that the controlling ex (not going to call him partner any more, sorry) doesn't know where you work, and as it's London it should be relatively easy to find a local houseshare where you could stay until you're back on your feet. I know it's a big step and it feels really scary, but leaving is the only option to keep you safe and that needs to be your only priority right now.

claire16c

Thats great you are in London, will make it harder for him to find you. Please take the oppotunity to leave him this weekend. You dont know when you might get the chance again. He could already be getting suspicious and might not let you go on your own again.

stay with your family and commute to your job if you have to. Your safety is the most important thing.

Mayflower10cat

Agree with Claire16c - London must be one of the easier places to lie low in/vanish in.

And just to add my voice to the many here - get out now, before his warped behaviour escalates.....

Mrs.W_2

Mayflower10cat wrote: »

Agree with Claire16c - London must be one of the easier places to lie low in/vanish in.

And just to add my voice to the many here - get out now, before his warped behaviour escalates.....

This is the best advice. Please, your safety out ranks any want of personal possessions! He sounds an unpredictable and very disturbed man. Even if you spend a couple of weeks sleeping on friends'/parents' sofas, just leave and be safe!

Please.

jellyhead

It's been a while since I last paid tax, so perhaps somebody else can clarify this for me. If (when!) OP leaves, are there any letters that might go to her old address that would have her works name or address on? Tax returns, tax code, tax credits, that sort of thing? If so might it be best to tell those people her new address is her parents address, perhaps, so they go there instead.

I just don't like to think of him being able to find out her work address at a later date if somebody sends a letter, then being able to find her through that.

HeatherintheHills

Start getting your post redirected. Do it now as you need to still be living at the old address to activate it. It is very secure so he won't be able to find out the redirection address.

I agree with the suggestions that you leave this weekend. You may be able to get new accommodation sorted very quickly so you don't have a long commute for too long. Maybe your family could go and clear your stuff out of your home at the end of the weekend? If the scum bag kicks off with them that is his lookout.

If he knows which tube station you are likely to use then I'd suggest dying your hair a different colour/changing your hairstyle. You can always go back to the style/colour you like after a few months. Also, buy a new coat and wear it going to and from work, or resurrect one he isn't likely to recognise. I know it seems a bit OTT, but it will help if you don't feel you have to be looking over your shoulder all the time, and at first you will probably feel that way.

He may not react as badly as we all currently fear, but taking a few steps to ensure you are safe is a good precaution.

minniemaus1970

Hiya,
Reading this reminded me of someone I met a couple of years ago, it only lasted 9 months, but I had panic attacks by the end of it, he moved in with me within 2 months, without asking.
this is what they do,
they threaten you, they take advantage of your nice nature , they don't get on with people are are 'strong minded' like them cause they thrive on control
they alianate you from friends and family (that ensures you can't leave/ have anywhere to go or a shoulder to cry on!)
they use pity, begging, sorrow, if that doesn't work they start getting angry! they permanently work on you on concentrate on you! you start walking on eggshells and making excuses, it's all about them and how to please them!
I tried to finish it 3 times, he talked me round again with methods mentioned above!
4th time he shouted and finished it with me cause I was on the phone to my friend for over an hour while he was at work!My phone, my bill, my wages paid for it!
This time stayed strong, nothing worked then he started stalking me incl. on my mobile and housephone, I told him I informed everyone about his moods and controlling erratic behaviour including the police, and if he turned up anywhere near me they would be called by either friends or neighbours. I had saved his number under 'Do not answer' so the kids knew not to answer.
Get out, as quick as possible, but do plan your exit strategy, you will need to tell people whats going on, otherwise he will make out it's your fault and turn it on you! They re very good at that. Get a place to stay, try sneaking out things beforehand and store them at a friends/ family, only sentimental things, rest can be bought!
change address before you leave or get a postbox where you can collect your mail, get a new sim, inform friends and family of new number, you have to let people know whats been going on, otherwise he will contact them and lay on a sob-story so he can get to you! They re very clever individuals, he managed to convince/ trap you and he s good at getting to other people too.
Once you have thought of everything and got everything in place - leave.
I know you're trying to be nice to him and leave on good terms/ be honest and tell him to his face, well don't. It won't be nice. Either write him a letter or leave a tape/ recorded message for him ( in a calm voice saying you two aren't good together, he deserves better, you need to find yourself, need space bla bla bla not at any time put blame on him, make sure its clarifies its final! and wish him all the best for the future.
Hope this helps, *big hug* all the best, hope it work out for ya
MM

mrs_sparrow

MM, wish I could thanks that 100 times, hopefully someone else will also read that and realise they are in a relationship they should not be in.

I am glad you are in a better place now. xx