How to leave an impulsive OH you live with?

Wyre

If you feel you can't leave right now (but I am with the folks saying get out and don't worry about telling him), start taking important things to a friend's. Get your documents together, your jewellery and photo albums - all the stuff you can't replace- and ask someone to look after them until you are ready.

I hope you find the courage to get out of there soon.

mrs_sparrow

If he has forced himself on you (and you say in your post you started fighting him and saying no) then you need to speak to the police. He would be arrested and bailed not to come near you and then this will give you a few weeks to get your stuff together, find a room, and leave.

If you are worried about the money side, speak to work, explain your circumstances and ask if you can have an advance because you need to get out. if they will not help you, take any holiday with immediate effect or get signed off with stress and go back to your family for a few weeks and find another job near them.

This is what I did when I was in your situation. I found another job so he could not trace me there and I moved about 100 miles away.

Ilona

I agree with everyone here, you need to get the hell out of there NOW. Don't bother to tell him, you owe him no explanations, just go. A long time ago my dad went to work and within half an hour the furniture van arrived. My mum and us three kids packed everything up that we needed to make a new home. Mum had found a terraced house for us to rent. Dad came home to find the house almost empty apart from his bed, a table and chair, the tele, and a few bits and bobs that he might need to cook for himself. It can be done.
Ilona

lilbert

LEAVE Before something bad happens. Even if you have to move in with relatives and get a new job.

HeatherintheHills

You can find replacement jobs, homes and possessions but you can never replace your health, well-being or, god forbid, life.

I hope you are already making the phone calls. Either to woman's aid or, if you prefer, tell you family and friends, let them help you. Quietly organise a day when they come and help you move home. Don't let that scumbag know. All your note needs to say is "goodbye, I never want to see or hear from you again".

God luck Honey.

thehappybutterfly

Moving out while he's at work might sound cowardly and not very grown up but with people like your partner, it's the only way. My ex was so unreasonable that this is exactly what I had to do. I got another flat lined up, gave notice on my current flat, waited until he went to the golf for the day (we had no money for the meter but he had money for the golf....) and packed up the flat and moved out. If I'd told him I wanted to leave/was leaving him, he would have grabbed the little one and stood in front of the door and physically stopped me from leaving. Then my chance would have been lost for good - he would have locked me in the house whenever he left.

OP - you've got to go now and to hell with "doing the right thing" - this is the right and only thing for you in this situation. This guy sounds dangerous. Get out now. There's another older thread on here from a lady in a similar situation and no matter what we said to her, she made excuse after excuse and in the end never did leave her abusive partner while the abuse got worse and worse. Trust us - we know what we're talking about. This is how it starts.

Good luck OP. You're in a better position than many abused women - you're young and you don't have children to think about.

Tish_P

I sang in a choir once where our best singer was so much better than everyone else in the choir, it was really puzzling. When I got to know her it turned out she had been a professional opera singer but got in such a terrible abusive relationship her only option was to leave, change her name and never sing professionally again in case he came across her somehow. She'd escaped with only what she could stuff in her car while he was in a drunken stupor.

worriedmoneysaver

Thank you for the replies sorry I have only just been able to reply but I have been reading the replies on my phone throughout the day.

I really don't want to leave my job as it's very good and a hard to get into career. He doesn't know the address, just the nearest station and it's London so I think I could get far enough away to never bump into him. I'm still on probation so I don't want anyone at work to find out in case they think I'm a liability but I will see if I can book a day off soon. Otherwise I will have to wait until he's out which would only be for a few hours and doesn't happen often.

I am visiting my family this weekend and will take my valuables and have also packed a big bag of clothes etc to take. I told my OH that they are old clothes for my sisters and he believed it so think I can get away with gradually moving some stuff out so if I need to go in an hour in a taxi I can.

I don't think he would stay away just because the police told him too, I think it would make him seriously angry and I just want to keep him calm while I figure out what to do.

mrs_sparrow

He would have no choice and if he did not stay away, he would be arrested and would not get bail but sent to a remand centre.

Look after yourself and be careful, you should not have to spend your days being careful not to make him angry, you have done nothing wrong. xx

FunWithFlags

He does have a choice though. The police aren't going to physically keep him away and if he did choose to not stay away, it only takes one chance for him to attack and seriously injure or kill her. He may be being arrested for murder rather than arrested for not staying away. I know I may be being extreme but if he ends up being seriously unbalanced, the police telling him to stay away could be the push he needs to take him over the edge.