What do I do next with DD 13

aliasojo

Piggles12345 wrote: »

I don't understand this idea of shutting the bedroom door and having their room as off-limits. Your kids' bedroom is part of your house and if you don't want that room to be a mess, then it shouldn't be a mess. That room isn't her bedroom, its just a room where she sleeps.

Your child isn't a lodger.

You are raising and shaping a young individual who has (or at least should be allowed to have) their own list of things that is important to them. Including having some say in their own personal space. They haven't reached the age of seeing tidiness as an important attribute yet so why would they place as much importance on it as their parent?

It's not as black and white as you seem to think. But then, that's only my opinion, same is yours is yours.

balletshoes

absolutely right piggles - adulthood can be a lot harder than 13-hood - but you do generally have your own space as an adult to deal with what life throws at you.

I don't see a teenager who doesn't keep their room tidy as wrapped in cotton wool - tidying it up for them or heading in there to look for dirty laundry to do for them might be wrapping them in cotton wool, leaving it to them to sort it out isn't, in my opinion.

ALIBOBSY

I find the leave em to it and only do washing when it is brought out of the room works for DS and his messy room.
We gently rib him about the mess and each week I ask him to bring the washing down and eventually after a few weeks he gets sick of the mess and asks for the hoover so he can clean up. What usually happens is then I and OH voluteer to help and DD1 (who loves cleaning and keeps her room pretty tidy anyway) usually joins in and it gets done in a very short time.

On sat we took the kids for a day out and DS (14) agreed to come, then moaned all through a picnic on the beach (we ignored and just said tough luck you are here now). Within 30 mins he was paddling in the sea with his sisters and racing his dad up and down the sand laughing his head off and enjoyed the rest of the day. They can be moody but if you mostly ignore it they soon calm down and go back to normal.

Ali x

Piggles12345

balletshoes wrote: »

absolutely right piggles - adulthood can be a lot harder than 13-hood - but you do generally have your own space as an adult to deal with what life throws at you.

I don't see a teenager who doesn't keep their room tidy as wrapped in cotton wool - tidying it up for them or heading in there to look for dirty laundry to do for them might be wrapping them in cotton wool, leaving it to them to sort it out isn't, in my opinion.

I agree you do have your own space as an adult but most people have to share this space with other people and sometimes teenagers :rotfl::rotfl:

I think I'm very much a product of my upbringing where nowhere in the house was off-limits to anyone. So I could, for example, wander into my mum's room and use her perfumes and she could wander into mine and use my straightners.

Given this, the 'rule' (although this was never actually laid down as a 'rule' as such) was that because all of the rooms were given equal value and shared ownership then they should be equally clean and tidy. So me and my mum shared the cleaning equally where no one room was anyone's responsibility.

busy_mom_2

We have been out today and had a lovely day, DD enjoyed herself and was actually and enjoyment to have her there. Not sure how long this will last. After her last tantrum last night she has no phone, and so far she hasn't asked for it.

The bedroom thing is about earning her keep, I pay her £20 a mnth phone contract because she can't fit a paper round in with her swimming training so to me she has to earn the phone contract by keeping her room tydy and a few jobs round the house such as empty the dishwasher, clean the table after a meal. I already pay out near £70 a mnth for all her swimming commitments, so to me it isn't about the mess but being responsible enough to appreciate you cannot have everything you want and expect others to pay. I just want some respect shown for all we do for her. I run her to the pool and back, spend up to 8hrs at competing events, but costumes, gogoles etc and some appreciation would be nice. DS will soon be showing interest in things soon and then it will become even more of a juggling act. He is the one at the minute who has to follow in his sisters shadow whilst we commit to her swimming schedule.

bobble_hat

No one seems to have mentioned it yet, Evening Primrose, my niece was horrendous at this stage too, my sister got Evening Primrose for them both and this worked to some extent, just calmed things down a bit and gave them a bit of breathing room. Doesn't work for everyone but it's worth a shot.

Jinx

So for the period stuff I agree with the evening primrose oil for any pains and if that doesnt work Feminax and a hot water bottle.

It sounds like your daughter is a really good child at heart so I agree with the others pick your battles. If she is committed at school and swimming she probably needs to relax a bit at home. Leave her room a tip but dont do her washing unless she brings it down at the right time. If she runs out of school uniform/swimming stuff at the wrong time well that will be a lesson learnt. I do remember telling my daughter that being part of a family brings some responsibilities such as attending events etc and basically putting up with other people even if its a PITA.

Staying calm can be difficult and my daughter and I clashed a number of times (both on pmt is hell) and throwing a hairbrush at my daughter was not my finest hour!!!!!!!! But I did try to listen carefully when she did share with me and give her the credit for being a mainly great person. Now 20 shes matured wonderfully and is a lovely person so it does improve greatly but is still messy!

emilyjayne_3

ALIBOBSY wrote: »

I find the leave em to it and only do washing when it is brought out of the room works for DS and his messy room.
We gently rib him about the mess and each week I ask him to bring the washing down and eventually after a few weeks he gets sick of the mess and asks for the hoover so he can clean up. What usually happens is then I and OH voluteer to help and DD1 (who loves cleaning and keeps her room pretty tidy anyway) usually joins in and it gets done in a very short time.

On sat we took the kids for a day out and DS (14) agreed to come, then moaned all through a picnic on the beach (we ignored and just said tough luck you are here now). Within 30 mins he was paddling in the sea with his sisters and racing his dad up and down the sand laughing his head off and enjoyed the rest of the day. They can be moody but if you mostly ignore it they soon calm down and go back to normal.

Ali x

I'm totally agree with the above. When I was 14/15 the only thing that made me realize what a b***h I was being to my mum was being ignored. I know there's times you need to say something but if she's just being moody, and not very nice to be around, ignore her. Obviously if she's doing something to harm herself/others, or damage the house, give her a telling off. Otherwise, don't rise to threats to run away, nasty comments etc. The silent treatment always works with me, and still does.

If she doesn't want to go on days out, leave her in. I was always bored of this by the 4th week of summer hols, and would try and subtly ask my mum if she was doing anything the next day, then id go out with her. Especially if my pocket money/funds to hang out with friends ran out.
Maybe offer to take a friend with you to the cinema etc, so that she's not just with her little brother/sister?

Also, I only got a laptop for going to uni when i was 17 (live in scotland), before that I just had access to the family computer, which was more than enough. I had to ask to go on it, this was in effect an incentive in itself to behave! Even as a technologically minded 21 year old, I don't get why a 13 year old needs a laptop!

She'll grow out of it, I'm 21 and in the last few years I've begun to realize that my mum always wants the best for me, she'll always help me out and she actually has her own life too! She's even right most of the time . We're now good friends, and even with all the running away threats as a teenager, I'm moving out next week and im actually really sad cause I'll miss my mum!

Try not to let her get to you too much, she sounds like she'll eventually turn into a smart' athletic young women

suki1001

Piggles12345 wrote: »

Yes some people have tough times during their teenage years but adulthood is a lot f*cking harder so I just don't think they should be wrapped in cotton wool.

I completely disagree. I absolutely hated being a teenager, I wasn't happy until I was an adult. If i hadn't of had a room or a refuge, a place i could get away from it all, i wouldn't have survived. for me of all the things I've ever been through, being a teenager was by far the worst - my heart breaks just thinking about it.

gocurlygirl

:rotfl:

Jinx wrote: »

So for the period stuff I agree with the evening primrose oil for any pains and if that doesnt work Feminax and a hot water bottle.

It sounds like your daughter is a really good child at heart so I agree with the others pick your battles. If she is committed at school and swimming she probably needs to relax a bit at home. Leave her room a tip but dont do her washing unless she brings it down at the right time. If she runs out of school uniform/swimming stuff at the wrong time well that will be a lesson learnt. I do remember telling my daughter that being part of a family brings some responsibilities such as attending events etc and basically putting up with other people even if its a PITA.

Staying calm can be difficult and my daughter and I clashed a number of times (both on pmt is hell) and throwing a hairbrush at my daughter was not my finest hour!!!!!!!! But I did try to listen carefully when she did share with me and give her the credit for being a mainly great person. Now 20 shes matured wonderfully and is a lovely person so it does improve greatly but is still messy!

Did I write this?my youngest dd was a nightmare and I think she was fighting for her own place in the world.It took a lot of patience and effort on my part to stay focused and remember the girl behind the teenage angst.she was bored at school and began to play truant-leaving school if she did not like the class and yet did so well with others,many people said oh isnt she wonderful(they did not get the dd we got)and at times I despaired-her siblings were not like this-well nowhere near as bad.I thought at one time she must hate me(not true).She recently thanked me for standing by her and believing in her,she is very intelligent and nearly at the end of uni now.she hasnt done drugs,become alchoholic or got in trouble in any other way,she rebelled at home.
I remember sitting down with her on day and saying what do you want to do-if you dont want to go to 6th form then leave but do something else(she choose college to continue education.)
My husband now says maybe she should have gone to boarding school,but she needed patience and guidence and an acknowledgement of her personality and pending adulthood.oh and yes she is still a bit messy,but if thats the worse I can cope with that.