What do I do next with DD 13

busy_mom_2

I am at the end of my tether, my daughter, 13 is a complete nightmare at the moment, she started her monthly 4 mnths ago ad has quickly settled into a cycle. Her attitude is a complete night mare, she is excelling at school but at home she is evil, she speaks to me like I am something she has scrapped of her shoe, refuses to tidy her room, will not involver herself with the family or any outings, I have tried leaving it, tried punishment by taking her phone off her, tried the opposite being nice and ignoring it but nothing works. I had an unhappy childhood, my father hated me and I no longer have any contact with him and I hate the thought she will grow up and not want to have anything to do we me.

I'm not sure if all this is hormone related or not, another day has been ruined today because she refused to get up and get ready, we supposed to be going out for the day, we also have a 7 yr DS so all this is obviously having an impact on him. I don't feel able to go out for the day and leave her here on her own.

This isn't just stroppy teenager syndrome she really is horrible, all this is making me ill, I suffer with uriticaria and having a really bad flare up at the moment, the doctor cannot prescribe any more medication, I need to learn to not get so stressed.

BitterAndTwisted

If she refuses to tidy her room just make sure the door is closed so you don't have to look at it. If she doesn't want to come out with you on a family outing then go without her and be sure to tell her what a lovely time you had.

13 year-old girls can be the spawn of the devil but fortunately it's usually only temporary.

balletshoes

a couple of things struck me - at 13 why can't you leave her home if she really doesn't want to come and do stuff with you?

also, the ways you are dealing with her behaviour - are you giving any one method time to bed in? I mean weeks rather than days. I know with my DD it would be her laptop and phone - thats what she would miss most if I withdrew those privileges, so thats what I'd do, and I'd keep on doing it consistently.

eta - I remember being a teenager, and as an adult I don't stress out really if my DD's room isn't tidy. I don't go in there and look for dirty laundry etc, if its not put out for me to do, it won't be done.

Your DD might appreciate that you think her grown-up and responsible enough to sort out her own space and stay home alone occasionally. That might make her slightly less spawn-of-the-devil around the house.

gingin_2

How did she get the phone back? I would have kept it from her until she could prove that she could speak to you with respect, for an extended period of time. Find the punishment that hurts the most (not literally) and use it every time, that way there is no confusion about the consequence of being rude to you.

As already said, I don't see why she can't be left at home if she wants to strop?

martinthebandit

Ah teenagers, bless 'em

Just remember there is nothing wrong with them that a few years growing up won't cure.

Unfortunately nothing else will.

All you can do I am afraid is lay back, chill and maybe have a nice glass of red. Secure in the knowledge that in a few years they will actually be back to being human

busy_mom_2

The reason I don't want to leave her is she keeps saying she will run away as soon as she gets the chance because we are all so horrible to her.

i have taken the phone and laptop off her, waited until she cones back down to earth, which can take up to a week, explain why I took then off her and she can have them back when she earns them. Constant cycle though just starts all over again.
Because her phone is on contract the agreement is her room has to maintain a certain standard in order for her phone to be paid. We have discussed a paper round where she can earn and pay for it herself, but this then starts another issue. She is a good swimmer and trains 6 times a week, with homework on top this lives no time at all. I never push her with her swimming only support, I never have to rush her to get there and if she feels like having a session off she has a session off. I'm not sure if it is a really bad case on PMT or just teenager strops.

gingin_2

Is she getting enough sleep and eating well? 6 lots of swimming a week is impressive but must wear her out.

BitterAndTwisted

The chopping-and-changing of your response may have only succeeded in making things worse rather then better, so she possibly feels completely at sea by now.

Ignore the small stuff and decide with your OH those issues which you really, REALLY must tackle, how you're going to tackle them and then stick to it come what may.

She's obviously not crackers as she can keep things under control quite well at school. Familiarity/contempt etcetera

suki1001

busy_mom wrote: »

She is a good swimmer and trains 6 times a week, with homework on top this lives no time at all.

I'm not surprised she doesn't feel like going out on family outings, she probably needs time to chill.

6 sessions a week is a lot for anyone - good on her for sticking at it. It sounds like she works very hard, maybe you should cut her some slack.

BitterAndTwisted

busy_mom wrote: »

The reason I don't want to leave her is she keeps saying she will run away as soon as she gets the chance because we are all so horrible to her.

Take absolutely no notice of that! She's just desperate to find a way of hurting you. And is succeeding, by the sound of it.

Parents are SOOOOOO unfair at that age.


I remember the time when I was about to go out somewhere with my sister in her car. All planned ahead and the kids were staying behind with their father. Until it came to leave and then teenage daughter was draped, screaming, over the bonnet of the car and had to be prised off. Neighbours all out on their doorsteps probably wondering whether they should call the police. Oh! Happy days!

unimaginative_user_name

My DD is twelve and sounds a bit like yours! I'll follow this thread with interest and see if I can pick up any tips!

I went to a seminar on parenting teenagers earlier this year and the leader said that we should not fight every battle as our daughter would then not know which ones were really important to us. She also said we should only confront if our daughter was disobedient, disrespectful or dishonest. I found this quite helpful. I do wish she had added untidy to the list!