What do I do next with DD 13

busy_mom_2

Doing both really, today should have been the pictures, both wanted to see the same film. Tomorrow have planned a day out with two other friends and their children all the same age. She gets on better with boys than girls at the moment, so tomorrow she will be with two 13 yr old boys. The all wanted to got to local park with ball, bats and picnic. All the kids choice.

gibson123

I have a 13 year old and what you describe is par for the course, however I do think you could do a few small things to improve on.

You should not make her feel responsible for your illness, that's a huge burden for a child. :eek:You should not expect her to be responsible if you do not trust her to be responsible and won't let her try.
You should appreciate she needs and deserves time away from you and her brother.
If she says sorry, accept it and thank her for being so responsible, don't close up the conversation by saying an apology is not good enough.
Have a regular "date" just you and her, do something fun together, even if it is just doing hair and nails and face packs. :j

Ask her to set the standards for room cleaning, chores and behaviour, get her to write out the rules, you do the same and then compare notes and agree a compromise set of rules that you both have to stick to.

If she threatens to run away, call child-line or report you for abuse, point out that it is her that gets taken away not you!

Remember you cannot make her happy, and you are not responsible for her happiness, your job is to keep her safe and well and to ensure you do not do anything hurtful to add to any unhappiness she is feeling.

Chill out, get some "me" time for yourself and pick your battles carefully. :beer:

Always have a large bottle of wine chilling in the fridge.

Good luck

Beckyy

Just my 2 pence but I wouldn't punish her by taking things away or banning her from phone/computer etc. It will just frustrate her.

At 13 she'll feel like a young adult and she'll want to be treated like one, whether you think she's ready or not. I would let her make her own mistakes, if you try to guide her too much it might just push her away more because she'll feel patronised.

If you're planning to go somewhere let her be involved in the plans and pick somewhere she would like too. Ask what time she would like to leave etc. If the time comes and she doesn't want to go then fair enough - leave her at home and have fun. Don't call and check up on her, just leave her be. When you get home subtly let her know how much fun you had. If she doesn't want to go you can't force her, you just need to trust her and that she wil make the right decisions. If not, you're there for her.

Also, forgot about the bedroom. It's her space. Don't go in, through it or ask her to do things about it. She'll learn, and if she ends up living in a mess then it's her problem. She needs privacy.

If she says sorry, try to accept it and forget about it. Rejecting it will just give fuel to the fire. I hope things get better for you both soon!

FBaby

I agree with all the above but this bit:

gibson123 wrote: »

If she says sorry, accept it and thank her for being so responsible, don't close up the conversation by saying an apology is not good enough.

My DD got very good at saying I'm sorry thinking that would let her off. It worked for some time, especially as she put effect to it with the concerned face and all, but I've now learnt it was a tactic to get me off her back...funilly enough, I realised that it was one also adopted by dear son and...OH!

I now refuse to hear 'I'm sorry' unless it comes with 'and I will do X to make up for it'

meritaten

hun - at thirteen having parents is deeply embarrassing! she is old enough to be left at home - so leave her! if you plan a nice family day out and she doesnt want to go. Fine, leave her at home. You are not well right now and don't need the stress - dont appeal to her better nature - she is thirteen, just started her periods, is very hormonal and she DOESNT have a better nature!
It sounds awful to say this - but, treat her like a lodger, distance yourself a bit and do NOT take her too seriously! my formerly happy, sunny DD was like this when her periods started.......emotionally she was all over the place. it did take a while before she settled down. is she having painful periods or is she particularly vile at certain times? a visit to GP may be in order?

TiaBaby

Another tuppence coming. DD is 14 and in general a good girl. The Kevin stage had well and truely landed and as I am fairly strict the moods and bedroom looking like a bomb site really annoyed to the point that I used to get very very angry, shouting and stressing etc to the point of exhaustion.

To combat this and for the sake of my own sanity I said one thing that freed me !! Lol

"before you ask me for anything, look at your room, if it is not tidy, you have your answer"

Northern_Princess

From the mum of a nearly 17 year old who has gone through what the OP has I can say (in my experience) it does get better. I remember those days well of my DD being 13/14. It was hell on earth. She hated me and everyone around her one minute and loved everyone the next minute. I remember watching the Harry Enfield comedy sketch of when Kevin was 12 and wakened up the next day being 13 and had turned into a moodily teenager. I laughed at that sketch but it honestly became my reality!

The only advice I would give is love her unconditionally, let her know you still love her even though you don't approve of her behaviour. I lost count of the weeks she went without her phone/laptop/playstation, and I mean weeks, not a few days. I used to give her something back after a week then realised she KNEW I would do that, so I changed my game plan. I got tough and unless she peeled herself out her bed, ate with us etc she got no reward ie phone back, then a few weeks later Internet back etc.

It does get easier, but you'll have a good few new grey hairs b y then end of it

faerie~spangles

Pick your battles.

If she wants to live in a shoithole of a bedroom so be it. Close the door and declare her bedroom off limits to all other members of the family.

If her laundry isn't in the correct place when it comes time to do the washing - TOUGH! She will learn very quickly that the laundry fairy has died.

Stop punishing her by removing her phone etc. Bear in mind that if she does do a runner you will want to contact her. Though I suspect that is an empty threat.

Her hormones are all over the place at the moment, put yourself in her place.

scrappie_2

I can only speek from the 13yr old point of view - having been one a long time ago!

My mum and I had countless fighta over the state of my bedroom - yes, it was a total mess. However ~I knew exactly where everything was and did not understand why she could not just shut the door and forget about it. TBH, still don't understand that bit!!

I was grounded, TV taken away, HiFi taken, walkman taken (80's child!) mym mum did everything she could. Then one day she hit 'the nerve' she refused to take/ collect/ or pay for my ballet lessons. I was training at quite a high level and like your daughter was there 6 times a week. It took 10 days of no ballet and non in sight for me to clear out that room and have it sparkle.

After that, the first 'stunt' I pulled, ballet was off the cards, for how long depended on what I had done.

Might be worth 'pulling' the swimming, see how that works. Mum has said she hated doing it to me, but it was the only thing I was passionate about. Apparently, she almost caved a couple of times, TBH I'm kind of glad she didn't - but I didn't see it that way at the time!

Piggles12345

scrappie wrote: »

I can only speek from the 13yr old point of view - having been one a long time ago!

My mum and I had countless fighta over the state of my bedroom - yes, it was a total mess. However ~I knew exactly where everything was and did not understand why she could not just shut the door and forget about it. TBH, still don't understand that bit!!

I too can only speak from my experiences of being a 13 year old.

I don't understand this idea of shutting the bedroom door and having their room as off-limits. Your kids' bedroom is part of your house and if you don't want that room to be a mess, then it shouldn't be a mess. That room isn't her bedroom, its just a room where she sleeps.

I don't this whole thing of teenagers needing their space because being a teenager is so hard and emotional. Yes some people have tough times during their teenage years but adulthood is a lot f*cking harder so I just don't think they should be wrapped in cotton wool.