What do I do next with DD 13

zaxdog

She needs to learn that this behavious is not acceptable AT ALL!

Simply remove laptop, telephone, TV/DVD player in her room and completely ignore her until she can behave like a human being.

I hate this attitude of she just needs a few years of treating you like !!!!!! then it'll all be rosy.

busy_mom_2

She asks for the time out, I work full time 9-5 dad works permanent nights so as a family we get very little time. I have this week off, it was agreed a week from training so we could do some things together.

the main thing I cannot ignore is her attitude, I could let the bedroom slip if the attitude improved!

aliasojo

Best way to get a kid/teenager/young person/pain in the arris to get up out of bed, is to ring the house phone from your mobile, answer the house phone and then shout up to aforementioned pain, 'it's for you'.

Person will come to the phone despite their bad mood, parent then blocks bedroom door, smiles sweetly and tells the pain that now they are up, they can mosey into the bathroom and get themselves washed sharpish.

It bugged the life out of my testosterone fuelled 15 year old but it got him out of bed every single time. :rotfl:

OP my lad thought he was King of the hurtful quips but he went too far when he told me once, 'all my mates laugh at you'. I burst out laughing simply because it was so obvious what he was trying to do and a grown woman wasn't really going to be too worried about what 14 & 15 year olds thought about her. From then on it was easier to ignore the rubbish that came out of his mouth as I knew it was just all hot air designed specifically to annoy me. (He's 23 now and very embarrassed about some of his actions so don't worry, they do come out of it eventually.) Some kids just seem to need to push as much as they can.

If a kid is going to run away for real, they just do it.They don't threaten. Ignore her when she says this.

You MUST MUST MUST be consistant with how you treat her. Try to rise above the petty stuff, don't let her off with being downright rude but if she's just being a grumpy teen, let it pass.

One thing that stuck in my mind from my son's days was the fact that he didn't know why he acted the way he did, he just felt angry all the time. We took him to the Doc who told him he was experiencing huge hormonal surges and that some kids react to this stage and these hormones more than others.

Hormones can't be used as an excuse for bad behaviour but it helps to try to understand just what may be affecting the young person, at least then you can temper your desire to kill your offspring with the knowledge it will settle down eventually.

Stay strong!

aliasojo

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

I remember the time when I was about to go out somewhere with my sister in her car. All planned ahead and the kids were staying behind with their father. Until it came to leave and then teenage daughter was draped, screaming, over the bonnet of the car and had to be prised off.

:rotfl:

Sorry.

Scorpio33

The thing that stands out in your OP is "I had an unhappy childhood, my father hated me and I no longer have any contact with him and I hate the thought she will grow up and not want to have anything to do we me."

This train of thought is probably clouding your judgement. You are allowed to tell her off once in a while, and this will not affect your relationship with her. Try not to let your past experiences affect how you treat your daughter - that will only create issues in itself.

Also, I think you need to give your daughter some slack the "nothing works" makes me think that you are expecting you to do something and for your daugher to magically change into something she is not.

She is 13, going through a lot of changes. All you can do is let her make her own mistakes and be there for her. Try not to force her to do anything, but show your dissapointment if she doesn't act the way you think she should. For example, if you are going on a family outing say what you are doing and that you would all really like here there. If she doesn't want to come then thats ok, but when you come back make a point that you all missed the fact she wasn't with you.

I think the phrase is try being her mum, not her friend.

rachbc

She's doing well at school and participating at a high level in sport 6 days a week she can't be all bad - and certainly very very far from evil (a word I personally hate to see ascribed to serial killers let alone teenagers who appear to have done little wrong).

Its fairly normal for a 13 year old not to want to come on family outings, have untidy rooms and general be a PITA. Pick you battles -for me its school performance, eating reasonably enough to maintain health, specting everyone else in the house and not hogging the PS3. Mess in his room, general stroppiness, anti social behaviour and over use of hair products and lynx I try to ignore!

BitterAndTwisted

aliasojo wrote: »

:rotfl:

Sorry.

No apology expected or required. I thought it was pretty funny myself at the time but didn't/couldn't show it. My sister was so effing furious I had to make her pull the car over around the corner until she'd calmed down and was capable of driving safely.

Ten years later their daughter is a charming and thoughtful young lady and a real credit to her parents. Corners can be turned but parents often need more reserves of patience than they ever knew was possible.

It's tough but thankfully it's not for long.

rdchick

I remember being 13 (10 years ago haha!) and I was a bit rubbish at being a good girl back in my early teens but your daughter sounds like a decent kid but with some hormones plus being in an environment that sounds like it could be a bit hostile (as they sometimes are when there are teens around!) and pressures from seeing how her friends act around their parents (perhaps) might might her act up a bit.

I would maybe leave her to it for short amounts of time, ie: go to the shops for an hour and leave her alone in the house, gradually build that time up but set rules (it's what my mum did - ie: no boys in the house whilst mum and dad were out and only 2 girl friends - That sort of thing!) Hope that helps xxx

FBaby

My DD will be 13 and some of what you've written about your DD feels very close to home. What I find most difficult is that my DD was always a very easy child, always wanted to please and more or less did as I said. She was also one of those child who was always glued to you, hated being on her own, so having a teenager who suddenly says one thing but does another, and moans when you mention doing something together, this coming on very suddenly has been a bit of shock.

In regards to the attitude, I ignore the sulkiness, but react immediately to attitude. The other day, she hung up on me (she pretended that it cut off....), I called her back immediately and told her I would in no way accepts that behaviour. It is true that it feels like you have to choose your battle as otherwise, you could just spend the whole 24 hours of some day telling them off, but not easy to pick some times!

In regards to joining in activities, I initially had the same reaction, thinking that there was no point in forcing her and facing her moody self all day ruining it for the family, but my partner made me think about this decision and reminded me how we were forced as children to go with family and how not only we ended up often enjoying ourselves, but also how these outings formed precious memories. Indeed, I insisted she came with us to an outing that she thought she would be very bored, but somehow, she quite enjoyed herself and with some efforts on my part to give her quite a bit of attention, it turned out to be a good day out. Since then, I do insist she joins us and she seems to have accepted it. We get the sulkiness to start with, but it usually clears up on time. I am not prepared to accept the idea that she will not be part of our family outings yet.

I too have major issues with her bedroom. As a matter, right at this moment, she is supposed to be clearing out what is a total disaster...she started this morning, came down all proud of herself for having sorted out some clothing in the new boxes I got her yesterday, so I stupidly assumed I would be pleased when I walked in...NOT..it's as bad as it was before... I too would welcome advice on this. I wish I could turn a blind eye, but I can't completely. She has a lovely room, one that we decorated for her when we moved 18 months ago, and it feels like disrespect towards me and her step-dad to show no bother at all. I know what I need to avoid is shouting, but it is hard to do so when you've asked kindly once, twice, tried to negotiate, give timescale etc... yet only shouting seems to spur action!!!

I am bracing myself for the coming years and prepare for war becaus I won't let her get her way. I am prepared to be flexible, but not for her to treat us with disrespect. I'm sure it will come with a few said or not 'I hate you'. I'll try to remember then that she doesn't really mean it and she will thank me some day for preparing her properly to adult life...

FBaby

Scorpio33 wrote: »

She is 13, going through a lot of changes. All you can do is let her make her own mistakes and be there for her. Try not to force her to do anything, but show your dissapointment if she doesn't act the way you think she should. For example, if you are going on a family outing say what you are doing and that you would all really like here there. If she doesn't want to come then thats ok, but when you come back make a point that you all missed the fact she wasn't with you.

I think the phrase is try being her mum, not her friend.

I've just read this and have to say I don't agree I think 13 is much too early to let them take control of their lives, making their own mistake and just be there to catch them when they fall. They still have some much to learn from having to respect rules and do as they are told (whilst explaining the reason why). I would hope to take the stand of letting my DD learn from her mistake when she is about 16 ish.

I think allowing a 13yo to make much of their own choices is being a friend rather than a mum.