What do I do next with DD 13

rdchick

I am a messy person and have been all my life - my parents used to make me tidy my room and I just used to chuck things in the cupboard, under the bed and in drawers - however if no one mentioned it I would sit quietly in my own time and sort out properly. Yes it's annoying - I can imagine that but I know it winds me up something cronic if all you hear is how messy you are/ how your room is a mess etc etc (I still get it now with my BF - who is a cleaning Nazi but it's MY arts and crafts room that's a mess) xxx

crochet_2

FBaby wrote: »

I think allowing a 13yo to make much of their own choices is being a friend rather than a mum.

Completely disagree. It shows you respect them and treat them like the young person they are not a naive child. Respect works both ways.

BitterAndTwisted

The issue with kids in their early teens is that they swing backwards and forwards (often on an hourly basis) between being a child and a young adult. During those years I would be minded to be the parent, as what they need to absolute security and stability. In my opinion they are far too young to be let off the leash quite yet. Being a friend to your children comes later, much later.

candygirl

My DD was a complete nightmare as soon as the hormones kicked in at 11, and still kicks off on a regular basis at 25:eek::eek::eek:Think I was way too soft though, trying to over compensate for her waste of space Dad:mad::mad:

FBaby

crochet wrote: »

Completely disagree. It shows you respect them and treat them like the young person they are not a naive child. Respect works both ways.

Respecting a child as a parents means you are there to guide them and prepare them for adulthood. In some instance, it means you give them some choices, in others, it means you impose rules. As years go by, less and less is imposed and more and more choices are made, but these are the right choices.

I am amazed how in this country, children are overprotected in many ways, yet allowed to take over on others. My 12DD is mature enough to stay home alone, get on a bus to go and see her friend or the train to her dad. I find it really strange when a parent doesn't trust their child enough to let them walk alone somewhere, yet old enough to decide things on behalf of the whole family.

It is no surprise so many parents complain that their kids are still so reliant on them and often treat them like doormats. There will always be rules as long as my kids live with me. I am prepared to be flexible and to compromise, but at 13, they are still at an age where my rules take over hers.

Respect does work both ways, and when a child shows attitude, refuse to stick to rules, accept that they are part of a family, then the balance of respect is threatened and needs readressing.

KateLiana27

Embarrassingly, she sounds like me at 13. And most of my friends. That doesn't make it acceptable though. I'll tell you what worked with me.

I would sit her down when she's reasonably calm and explain how upsetting her behaviour is for you. Show her the urticaria. Tell her you love her but you can't tolerate this from her.

Then work out a plan of what she needs to do in return for privileges (allowance, clothes, phone, internet, whatever). Maybe joining in with one family activity over x time period? Cleaning her room once a week? No bad language or shouting matches? Whatever it is, it's more likely to work if you negotiate it with her and agree on it together.

ALIBOBSY

busy_mom wrote: »

The reason I don't want to leave her is she keeps saying she will run away as soon as she gets the chance because we are all so horrible to her.

i have taken the phone and laptop off her, waited until she cones back down to earth, which can take up to a week, explain why I took then off her and she can have them back when she earns them. Constant cycle though just starts all over again.
Because her phone is on contract the agreement is her room has to maintain a certain standard in order for her phone to be paid. We have discussed a paper round where she can earn and pay for it herself, but this then starts another issue. She is a good swimmer and trains 6 times a week, with homework on top this lives no time at all. I never push her with her swimming only support, I never have to rush her to get there and if she feels like having a session off she has a session off. I'm not sure if it is a really bad case on PMT or just teenager strops.

The running away thing is surely a threat and to be frank at 13 she could just leg it any school day and there is nothing you could do to stop that. The reality is the kids that do run away don't do it because they are a bit miffed with their parents they do it because they are being abused or are running to something (BF/drugs etc).
I remeber at this age writing a letter and leaving on the side for my mum to say as soon as I am 16 I am leaving you all etc etc.
Its age and hormones, recent studies have shown teenage brains work differently than younger children and adults. They appear to have many more pathways created in the brain at pubity, many of which dissappear as you get older. Sort of your brain forming itself/you into the person you will be for the rest of your life. So pubity is not just hormones and body changes there are actual physical changes in the brain.

All these issues mean teens seem to be very self centered and lack empathy.

Hard to deal with and as the parent of one teen (14 yr old boy) with 3 younger girls (9,4 and 2) I have alot of sympathy.

With the 14 yr old if we are going out he is invited and if he gets up/gets ready he comes with, if he messes around or moans he stays here.

Next time perhaps call her bluff and go out without her, but only go say to a local park for the 7 yr old and only leave her for a short period?

Ali x

FBaby

ALIBOBSY wrote: »

So pubity is not just hormones and body changes there are actual physical changes in the brain.

Ha ha, my 12DD gave me this as an excuse last time she was all moody and sulky, said she couldn't help it because it was her hormones! It did make me smile, but I reminded her that I too get hormones changes every month and that if I used as an excuse to be mum from hell every time, she would probably dishoned me!

busy_mom_2

Thanks everyone for your replies, DD spent two hours outside after last outburst today, came in and apologised, I calmly explained that saying sorry wasn't enough, I explained how her behaviour was contributing to my illness and how I felt every time she goes off on one. I asked her try to explain what is the matter or how she feels but all I got was shrugged shoulders. I took DS out for 2 hours and came back she is a different person.
I have again asked what her issues are but she has swung completely the other way and acting like a child playing stupid games with her brother. They have both had tea and gone off around the block on a like ride. Think I'll sit in the garden with my book!

Spendless

ALIBOBSY wrote: »

Its age and hormones, recent studies have shown teenage brains work differently than younger children and adults. They appear to have many more pathways created in the brain at pubity, many of which dissappear as you get older. Sort of your brain forming itself/you into the person you will be for the rest of your life. So pubity is not just hormones and body changes there are actual physical changes in the brain.

All these issues mean teens seem to be very self centered and lack empathy.Ali x

I know I've mentioned it on here before, but I did see something about this some years back. The initial story (might have been by Robert winston not sure) was takenn up by the Richard and Judy show and they invited a family who had a lot of kids aged from around 6 to 19 (all same parents) and showed each child a picture of a person expressing an emotion eg shock, happy, afraid and asked them to describe that emotion. The 15 yo in the middle of the teenage years got the most wrong, the child that got the msot right was around 9 years old.

Re- the days out? Is it that they are more geared towards the 7 year old and she doesn't find them interesting. Am going thru this a bit with my 12yo at the minute and I only have a 3 year gap between mine. I suggested going somewhere this week where there's water to run thru, since DS has loved water and getting soaked since he was old enough to walk, you'd have thought I'd asked him to emigrate alone..or go back to school a week early. :rotfl: