Allow kids to know your adult or financial business .... or not?

aliasojo

I'm just wondering if you all feel comfortable with your policy on children and parental adult or financial issues? I think I've got just the right balance in our family but I do think my own parents didn't and the way they raised me didn't do me any favours tbh.

My parents were older (that may be relevant to their thoughts) and they were very private people. We were never allowed to know anything about their adult business. Money was never ever discussed, nor was their political affiliation for example. If asked directly 'who did you vote for', we would be brushed off with a 'that's my business' reply.

We were never party to any difficulties, everything was always 'just peachy' (even although there were times it just wasn't).

I grew up with the naive notion that life was always 'just peachy' and things would pretty much just appear when I needed them. Leaving home was a helluva shock and I got into debt almost immediately.

My parents could have been a lot worse, don't get me wrong and I do appreciate what they did for me, but I do think they made less than good parenting decisions sometimes and some of their decisions formed the difficulties I experienced in later life. (I must stress this is not a 'blame' exercise, it's just an acknowledgement of how your surroundings help shape you as you grow.)

Fast forward more years than I care to admit to and I realise I do almost the exact opposite to my parents. I don't discuss finances in depth with my kids but they are aware of tough times and how they affect us. I feel happy saying things like 'I only have x amount of money left to last us for the week, so we need to be practical with what we buy'. Or letting them be aware of the fact that I might need something personally, like a new pair of shoes but there isn't spare money in the pot this week for those kind of things so I just can't have them.

My Mum would have sewn her lips up before saying something like that. No-one was ever allowed to know of any difficulties. It wasn't even down to a desire to protect us from concern, it was simply because in those days people would not share what they felt was very private info, even with their own offspring. I was a grown adult when she died and we had some interesting conversations about lots of things that happened in the past, before she died. She was ill over a period of around 6 months so we had many a chat. The biggest thing that came through was the feeling of 'well that's just what you did in those days'. There didn't seem to be much individual thinking going on, traditional ways seemed to be simply accepted regardless of how beneficial they were.

My middle lad has a sizeable savings pot now and he attributes that solely to understanding how our financial difficulties have affected us and not ever wanting to be in a similar situation. I genuinely believe that if we had parented in the same way as my parents, he would not be as conscientious as this now.

My daughter has developed into a caring understanding young person who considers wider issues. I will hold my hands up and say I compare her to a friend who has no clue about the practicalities of life and whose biggest concern is what phone she will be given next and I feel proud she is who she is.

Clearly it does a child no favours to burden them with worries but I do believe it makes them a broader more balanced individual if they are allowed to be aware of some of life's financial curve balls.

So, are your kids aware of your general financial situation or is it 'adults only' in your house?

Lotus-eater

aliasojo wrote: »

So, are your kids aware of your general financial situation or is it 'adults only' in your house?

They are aware of the general situation, including that we may be better off than some people, but we certainly aren't as well off as others.

As they get older they will learn more as they ask and they ask alot!

As for who you vote for, we have big discussions about it. But unlike my parents, I don't try to get them to think the same way I do about things, I tell them to make their own mind up.

Like God, we don't believe, but DD9 does, as she goes to a strictly Christian school. I've told her it's fine and it's totally her choice.

browneyedbazzi

I think that sharing some of the information about your circumstances with your children is important, but the way it's done may be equally important - I think it should be done in a way that makes them aware and allows them to set realistic expectations and learn the value of money/things but also gives them confidence in your ability as parents to manage things well.

I grew up in a home a bit opposite to you. My mom wasn't shy about sharing anything and was a bit of an anxious type...she openly discussed all her anxieties (including about money issues) and the way it was done left me with little confidence in her. I ended up fiercely independent from a young age because I felt like it was impossible to trust anyone else to care for you (after all, if you can't trust your parents to look after you, who can you trust) and I was terrified to ask for anything I needed and adding to the burden so often went without. I ended up in hospital having tests for stomach ulcers at 12 years old because I had developed all kinds of digestive problems which turned out to be stress related.

Errata

Fast forward more years than I care to admit to and I realise I do almost the exact opposite to my parents. I don't discuss finances in depth with my kids but they are aware of tough times and how they affect us. I feel happy saying things like 'I only have x amount of money left to last us for the week, so we need to be practical with what we buy'. Or letting them be aware of the fact that I might need something personally, like a new pair of shoes but there isn't spare money in the pot this week for those kind of things so I just can't have them.

You know your own children best. Clearly they don't worry themselves sick about the dire financial situation you sometimes find yourself in and tell them about. Other children might not be so sanguine about their parents financial difficulties.
Childhood is tough enough without being saddled with the problems parents experience. Which is not to say that children shouldn't be taught about finances.

gingin_2

We are lucky in that financially we are steady. I am more inclined to err on the negative side, or rather down play what we have with my children, because realistically I don't think their generation are going to have it as easy as us, or my parents ( baby boomers) and to instill a false sense of security in them, that everything will always be fine, is wrong.

I don't discuss personal finances with them, they have no idea what assets we have but they do understand that we have a mortgage and what that means and that we only buy what we can afford. We are also strict with their pocket money, in that when it's gone it's gone and no extras.

HappyMJ

I'd show them the bills that involve the cost of living such as the gas/electric/water/council tax etc...just to give the an idea of what it would cost if they themselves decided to move out...and you can always give the household a challenge to get the bills down too. I wouldn't show them your credit card bills or the mortgage as they are much more personal to you but do make them aware that borrowing costs money so if they want to borrow money from you (from future pocket money/allowances-like a payday loan) then you will charge them interest (not much though).

I would also never discuss your own salary with them either. Although I would make them aware of the minimum wage and by working they themselves could earn at least that much and by getting qualified they could earn so much more. Maybe whilst browsing the jobs pages in the local paper. All depends on age..etc...especially with a 16 year old thinking of leaving school. i.e leave school now you could earn £3.68 an hour at 16 and £6.08 at 21 but by getting A-levels they could get at least £7.00 an hour and by getting a college qualification they could get £8.00 an hour. They need to know that by staying at school they'll get more in the long run.

TeresaO

Hi,

I don't normally post but this made me smile. Only Saturday we purchased a large (for us) electrical item and DS was heard to say "is that all our spending money for the summer gone?".

We don't go into detail about how much we earn, but we do talk to ours about the holiday budget, their savings and how much we are prepared to pay for things, clothes etc.

In my childhood and right up to my mums death she would never honestly discuss her finances which made it really frustrating and difficult to help her. It made me very sad sorting out her bills when she died because there were huge credits on some which she was unaware of and debts with interest on others. Unfortunately some of my siblings have the same traits. Where as we have pots of money for different bills, car, holidays, celebrations, even down to mine and OH's monthly pocket money!

So we are much more open than my parents.

T

Desperado99

Although I had a fantastic/stable childhood I was aware of the fact that we didn't have as much money as other people. But that came from observation rather than my parents out and out telling us.

New clothes came in bin bags from the family two doors down (which I loved BTW), we rarely had a car (and when we did it was a banger that lasted maybe a year) we never had family holidays, sometimes on fridays (before Dad brought home the wages) tea was mince and mash (but no veg cos things didn't stretch that far). I remember Dad lost his job just before I was due to go camping with girls' brigade and they couldn't afford the balance - I walked into the living room to see my parents looking at the clock (the one heirloom) discussing selling it so I could go, I refused to let them. Luckily the Captain paid out of her own pocket for me to go (and no-one else ever knew at the time). I had a job at 13 (well, maybe 11 ) and worked all the way through my education, I paid for my own driving lessons (my elder siblings had theirs paid for by mum and dad) because money was short at the time.

I suppose, therefore, that DD is more sheltered about our finances, but only because we are careful/lucky with what we have and have savings. Occasionally we make her pay for something if she really wants it, and she'll start getting proper pocket money now she's at secondary school.

Oh, and I certainly knew who my parents voted for.........

mammyof7

I,m quite open with my kids about our finances but its on a "need to know basis". The younger ones may be told that we dont have much money this week and cannot afford xxxxx. However the eldest one knows exactly what money we have coming in and out.

My own mother was extremely secretive in all areas. As kids we were not even allowed into her bedroom, which later on she even had a key lock placed in the door!! Of course this made us imagine that she had all sorts of fantastic things in there and we just wanted in all the more!

Even though my mother had money, she was quite mean and we just learned not to ask for things. This impacted on me in the fact that i'm the very opposite. My bedroom has an open door policy. With kids regulary sleeping in my bed and watching tv etc. |After all we have nothing to hide. The kids are the same with their own rooms.

I had a large compensation payout a few years back, of which i shared the details with my eldest son. He was also told exactly what we needed to pay and buy with the money. I think it made him understand that just because you have money, its not just there to splurge!

Our kids know that money is tight (ecspecially now i,m a student again). However they also know that they get things when we can afford them. I think you've got to balance between kids knowing that you don't have a constant flow of cash and also making them worry.

mrcow

I don't tell my children how much we earn etc as if I did, they probably tell all of their friends!

But I do talk to them about how much things cost and what the implications are. E.g. my children love eating out at restaurants. Every time we do this, it costs £60+. So I explain to them that we can't afford to do this as much as they'd like and we do cheaper alternatives.

When my husband lost his job, again they knew it had happened, but we didn't talk about money in front of them. I kept it all very upbeat.

I think there is a time to learn about money worries, but childhood is not that time.

I wouldn't say to them "We only have £20 to live on". Even to my 10 year old. If I have to budget for something, then I'll just tell them that we'll be buying it later. They aren't pushy with shopping and they don't ask for things so it works for me.

aliasojo

Errata wrote: »

Childhood is tough enough without being saddled with the problems parents experience. Which is not to say that children shouldn't be taught about finances.

I completely agree. The character of the child is important, along with the age, level of maturity etc. It would be wrong to give a child more factual info that it could comfortable process in an unworried way.

aliasojo wrote: »

Clearly it does a child no favours to burden them with worries ......

HappyMJ wrote: »

I'd show them the bills that involve the cost of living such as the gas/electric/water/council tax etc...just to give the an idea of what it would cost if they themselves decided to move out...and you can always give the household a challenge to get the bills down too. I wouldn't show them your credit card bills or the mortgage as they are much more personal to you but do make them aware that borrowing costs money so if they want to borrow money from you (from future pocket money/allowances-like a payday loan) then you will charge them interest (not much though).

I would also never discuss your own salary with them either. Although I would make them aware of the minimum wage and by working they themselves could earn at least that much and by getting qualified they could earn so much more. Maybe whilst browsing the jobs pages in the local paper. All depends on age..etc...especially with a 16 year old thinking of leaving school. i.e leave school now you could earn £3.68 an hour at 16 and £6.08 at 21 but by getting A-levels they could get at least £7.00 an hour and by getting a college qualification they could get £8.00 an hour. They need to know that by staying at school they'll get more in the long run.

Ah, I hadn't thought about such things as salary when writing the OP but I wouldn't discuss that as that type of thing falls under the 'in depth' umbrella I think and I think they don't need to know stuff like that.

Daughter and I had a conversation about our last electricity bill and she was completely shocked. I quickly assured her it was getting paid straight away so not to worry about it (in fact I showed her the online paying process when I did it) and we were then able to have a chat about the practicalities of life.

We also had a good chat about supermarket shopping and when we entered the supermarket she was picking up nicely coloured things. Stuff in pretty decorative bottles that were maybe 40p dearer than the stuff in plain bottles. I explained that every 40p we paid for prettiness added up to a fair bit of money by the end of the month and if I bought the plainer stuff the difference would buy the pair of shoes I was after.

She now goes shopping with her Dad and stops him from putting pretty things in the basket.