oldest v youngest - rights and responsibilities

Janepig

jellyhead wrote: »

It felt like it at the time - life felt very unfair :rotfl:

I don't bear grudges against my mum or my sister, but I am determined that my youngest will not be a burden to my eldest.

I've got no doubt that however I (or you with yours JH) try and bring my two up, when they're older they'll find something to complain about that I could have done differently!

I always felt that my brother (5 years older) was the favourite, golden boy if you will, even though my mother was constantly at pains to point out how she loved us both equally (and I'm sure she did). All that was ever talked about with regard to me was how naughty I was, the mischief I got up to (nothing major) and that I didn't shut up (nothing's changed ). He absolutely tortured me throughout my childhood, but it was always my fault, and whenever I fought back, that was when "we'd" be caught and I'd be the one being told off. He's in his mid-forties now and still living a pretty carefree, irresponsible existence. We're like chalk and cheese, couldn't be more different. I see him occasionally and we get on well, but he still clearly thinks I'm beneath him, and his way of life gets on my nerves, even though we're adults.

If he were to post on here though, I'm sure he could write the world's longest thread about the misery I gave him as a child - his girlfriend has mentioned afew things he's told her about, but I just thought that she's got no idea what a b@stard he was to me when I was a child and left it at that.

Thankfully my two are a bit closer in age and despite the obvious bickering, which really winds me up, they get on really well and are more often than not to be found cuddled up in bed together, fast asleep, at the moment it's because DD(9) has got a fear of sharks, which are DS(6)'s favourite animals. She reads him his shark book and then can't get to sleep. No doubt she'll have some complaints when she's older about the fact that she HAD to read to him and would then have nightmares .

Oldest, youngest, middle, only, one of ten siblings...... we can all find our own personal misery in our upbringings, I'm sure.

Jx

jellyhead

Aww that's so sweet!

I had 2 younger brothers too, it was just my sister I didn't get on with.

My nephew mentioned recently how his mum had told him how mean I was to her when we were children! I don't think I was mean at all

I_wanna_live_for_free

jellyhead wrote: »

Things are fine now

Personality comes into it too - I was quiet and sulky while my sister was loud and dominant, so she got her own way more often. I bet half the time I just saw what she'd put on the TV, tutted and took myself off to sulk without even talking to my mum :rotfl:

Glad things are ok now

jellyhead

I_wanna_live_for_free wrote: »

Sometimes I felt like I was an alien in my own home.

Are things ok with your family now?

I didn't speak to mine much when I was late teens, early twenties but we got close again when I had a baby. My sister had a baby too, so the cousins are close.

All the niggles don't matter so much when you have your own home to go to

Raksha

I am the older one, I had one sibling, a sister who was 2 years younger than me (we were both adopted from different birth families). Growing up in the 60's, I was expected to take responsibility for her from a young age (about 10) I was regularly punished if she misbehaved while in my care - she would bite and scratch me when we fought.
From my experience I decided when my two youngest children (the oldest was 13 when the middle one arrived) would be responsible for their own behaviour. I've just asked my middle child and he tells me he feels the only way they've been treated differently is I don't chase after the youngest for his offences under 'style' (we are talking about a 15 year old is very 'individual' in his clothing choices).
Bed times were enforced until they were about 10 (they shared a bedroom) but so long as they were quiet, we didn't insist on sleep. the older one would go up after the younger one had had his story/reading time.
They no longer share bedrooms, but for about 3 years after they had their own rooms, they would still share occasionally just for fun (normally both sleeping on the floor of the youngest's room).
My relationship with my sister was terrible, she bullied me and we no longer see each other.
I hope, by ensuring each of my boys is responsible for their own actions, I am providing the foundations for a lifelong friendship.

I_wanna_live_for_free

jellyhead wrote: »

Are things ok with your family now?

I didn't speak to mine much when I was late teens, early twenties but we got close again when I had a baby. My sister had a baby too, so the cousins are close.

All the niggles don't matter so much when you have your own home to go to

Haven't seen or spoken to anyone in my family in over 2 years now. I worked out that it was always me making the running to keep in contact and decided to wait for someone to just pick up the phone and ring me to see how long it would be. Previous to this I saw my family at Christmas, birthdays and anniversaries (we live 60 miles away) and it was always me phoning to say "ooh it's x's birthday next week, is there anything planned, and yes there was but I hadn't been thought of to invite; when I have asked why didn't they just tell me they were planning on doing something it was, we don't know what shifts your husband will be on!

Err if you phone and ask, I'll know. :doh:

They also have a caravan on a site near here which involves them driving down my exact road to get there but I've seen them actually drive past, not even stop to say hi, or anything.

So no, things have gotten worse over the years I would say.

Travelqueen

I'm the eldest of 3 girls, and weirdly most of my friendships always seem to be in groups of 3. My two best friends are also both the eldest of 3 girls... anyway

Being the eldest can be tough. I was the free babysitter when I was old enough, but on the plus side had my own room from a young age whilst my sisters had to share for a few more years.

There are 22 months between me and the middle and 5.5 years between me and the youngest.

I get on with both of my sisters, though strangely have a better relationship with the youngest. We were very cruel when she was younger, constantly picking on her for being a baby and leaving her behind. I think this might have been a reaction to my mum treating her as the precious one though (or so we felt, my mum is the youngest of 3 and my dad the 2nd of 5)
All I can add to the posters above is to enable your eldest some freedom. When I was 12 I got a clothing allowance (£12 a month!) which went up by a pound I think every year. I had to buy my own non school clothes, presents, books etc from this. My sisters also got the same when they reached my age. I also got a job when I was 14 which helped too and was always encouraged to be independent.
I think as long as your kids are treated as seperate people and have their own interests taken into consideration they will be fine.
There will undoubtedly be fighting and arguments between them now, the things you say to your family (!), but as long as you try to treat them fairly it should all work out for the best.
I think my parents were also quite good about having the same rules for each of us, and actually quite relaxed in some ways I think. I remember my mum would rather know that I was going to a club at 15 than lie to her which always meant I didn't feel I had to lie or sneak around. I maybe took it a little far when I took my then 14year old little sister out with me when I was 20 and got her and her friend plastered, but you live you learn hey!
Good luck, being a parent is tough!

EDIT: note to say that another thing my parents did, and still do, was to create 'traditions' for us. For example when me and the middle sister both started waitressing in the same pub we would often work on Christmas. We instigated the tradition of later Christmas presents so we could all enjoy the day. We all still do this as it feels like Christmas lasts longer. Also, as we got older, a birthday was celebrated in the family by going out for a meal. We still do this. When we were younger it was great to feel trusted and adult enough to be given a small glass of wine and allowed to choose our own meals. I think this means that we all now think of each other when birthdays come around, organise joint presents and so on (we're all now in our 30's), and it feels like we have a really strong bond despite sometimes having enough of each other, but what relationship doesn't suffer from that!?

Hanky_Panky

happy35 wrote: »

OH middle child feels very badly done to as baby brother was always the favourite, no privileges as such as older brother totally different personality and never left the house much as a teenager. Feels never got much attention and just had to plod on as too busy with the others.

Statistically (from a Probation Officer member of my family) you are more likely to offend if you are the middle child because of this feeling 'less than special' - not the 'oldest' and not the 'baby', just the one in the middle.