oldest v youngest - rights and responsibilities

jellyhead

Janepig wrote: »

What we glean from this thread is that eldest siblings are whinging miseryguts who bear grudges and had awful lives!

Seems to me that there's swings and roundabouts for being wherever you are in the family tree. I thought that the worst place to be was the middle child out of three. That's what all middle children I know have said to me anyway.

Jx

It felt like it at the time - life felt very unfair :rotfl:

I don't bear grudges against my mum or my sister, but I am determined that my youngest will not be a burden to my eldest.

Lunar_Eclipse

I'm an eldest, married to an eldest. We both feel that the younger sibling/s get such an easy ride and the saying 'you should know better/are to be an example' spring to mind.

Neither DH nor I have huge resentment issues (we're more amused by it all), but I can slightly see history repeating itself now as I can't help but to have higher expectations of our eldest. I know I'm sometimes harder on her, despite my best efforts and the youngest thinking the reverse. Interestingly my sister felt the same, always thought I was the favourite, which was definitely not the case.

I've always been far more independent than my sister, who still seeks validation from our parents as an adult. I can also see the same with DD1, she won't be hanging around home for years, whereas DD2 has expressed occasional dread at the thought of ever leaving home: ha!

lika_86

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

Neither DH nor I have huge resentment issues (we're more amused by it all), but I can slightly see history repeating itself now as I can't help but to have higher expectations of our eldest. I know I'm sometimes harder on her, despite my best efforts and the youngest thinking the reverse. Interestingly my sister felt the same, always thought I was the favourite, which was definitely not the case.

I think if both children come out of childhood thinking that the other was the favourite then you've done a pretty good job. This was the case for me and my sister too!

pollypenny

Oh and I are the same as Lunar, but it is my youngest sister who is the pain still! We spoiled her as a child - she is a spoiled, whining woman!

scooby088

I am the eldest of two, and My relationship with my sister is none existent at the moment, guess I was sick of being taken for a mug and being used all the time. I do miss her be wrong if I didn't say that but she definately brought more hassle to my life and feel free from her now.

[Deleted User]

I'm the youngest of two (my brother is 2.5 yrs older).

He probably had a harder life than me in terms of breaking boundaries and being older saw more stuff than he should have done. I being younger was unaware of goings on or more shielded, i'm not sure, but I was certainly suprised when as a teen I found some things out.

I have always been closer to my parents than my brother, he seems more private but my mother especially seems to want to validate herself by being close to my brother. At times of his adulthood they haven't been and she blames herself for that rather than the choices he has made.

Yet when at times I have distanced myself for various reasons, that "feels" like its ok and not so upsetting. I am glad for some reasons as I felt I was always too close and too dependant on my parents support and love and always felt in debt to them. I have felt that I owe it to them, to seek their approval and to make them proud/happy for me. I have also felt that as an adult my mum has often crossed the boundaries of being my parent/my best friend, but have felt too dutiful to tell her as well.

I guess the majority of us have hangups and problems from our childhoods and positioning in the family. I'm sure my brother would say that I was favoured and spoilt and had everything easy and I was closer to them etc..... I can't help how things have turned out, his thinking or my parents choices. But what I can help is my relationship with him now............which is virtually zero! We have nothing in common except our parents. We used to be very close in our late teens, but now, No.

I_wanna_live_for_free

jellyhead wrote: »

'the girls'

omg how much I loathed this phrase! That and "they" with reference to me and my siblings, painting us all with the same brush. Drove me up the wall. We were individuals, not clones! Absolutely hated it.

jellyhead wrote: »

and I was never allowed any personal time at all. I had to have babyish christmas presents because we always got identical things despite being like chalk and cheese in every way. She always chose what would be on the TV. She invaded my space and stole or hid my things, and was never punished.

The response to any disagreement would be 'oh, just go and play!', 'stop telling tales!' etc. so I realised I'd just have to give in to her demands and put up with her behaviour because nobody was going to step in and parent her.

Really feel for you. I could have written this!

Sometimes I felt like I was an alien in my own home.

Taadaa

I am the eldest, and it is hard. Your parents are effectively cutting their teeth with you. I found that they were quite harsh with me compared to my siblings. And, I found that things were harder financially than when my sister came along, and even easier for my brother 13 years after me. Having said that, I would rather be hte oldest. It seems to have paid off for me as I am the only one with my own house, married, and a career ahead of me. I don't begrudge them what they have had, I prefer to work for what I want.

And don't forget that 14 is a difficult age, full stop. A ten year old must seem like a right nuisance. Especially if the elder is a girl, the younger a boy. Make sure you give them a level of responsibility that is appropriate to their maturity levels..especially as girls mature faster, usually. She probably wants to be distanced from the baby stuff.

*Louise*

lika_86 wrote: »

It' hard to be the eldest. I found my sister had such an easy ride compared to me, I had to fight for everything (ie. age I got my ears pierced, age I could go to the school disco, curfew etc), my sister got things easily because I'd already been there and had that fight and my mum had seen that it was ok.

Totally agree with this!

I'm the eldest of 4 and my mum was really strict with me, but it seemed that the more kids she had the softer she got. The thing about fighting the battles first is so true - I got moaned at for years (no exaggeration!) for 'wasting my life' because I chose not to go to University, while the youngest dropped High School after 4th year and nothing more was said. Likewise, I got pregnant at 19 (planned, had been with fiance 2 years, still together after 15) and she hit the roof and didn't speak to me for weeks. My two sisters got pregnant at the same age and again, I had cleared the way for them.

It's hard always being the 'sensible one'......mind you, I would rather be me than my youngest sister who grew up getting everything she wanted and as an adult is still a typical spoiled brat sometimes.*rolls eyes*

I have to add that I get on great with my mum now....and I'm the only one who doesn't give her any worries or hassle lol

I think the most important thing you can do for an eldest child is make them feel more special for having a little extra responsibility. And never forget to thank them if they help out with siblings.

I hate that my DS1 has to share a room with his little brother and we are saving for a loft conversion to try and give him his own space. He gets to stay up a bit later, and thankfully he is happy to do chores and understands his siblings aren't cabable of doing what he can (ages 7 & 5) but will be expected to do the same when they are 12. He actually even does extra without being asked - he went in and tidied his little sisters room yesterday without being asked lol.

I think as long as everyone keeps communicating and every now and then you sit down with your child and ask if they have any problems can help a lot.

jellyhead

I_wanna_live_for_free wrote: »

omg how much I loathed this phrase! That and "they" with reference to me and my siblings, painting us all with the same brush. Drove me up the wall. We were individuals, not clones! Absolutely hated it.




Really feel for you. I could have written this!

Sometimes I felt like I was an alien in my own home.

Things are fine now

Personality comes into it too - I was quiet and sulky while my sister was loud and dominant, so she got her own way more often. I bet half the time I just saw what she'd put on the TV, tutted and took myself off to sulk without even talking to my mum :rotfl: