oldest v youngest - rights and responsibilities

Puddleglum

luxor4t wrote: »

I'm an 'older', as is DH. My parents were both 'onlies' - Mum was constantly perplexed by the continual clashes between Little Sis and I
In a nut-shell, what was a privilege to be earned by me became her right automatically - bed time, pocket money, staying out late etc etc The older sibling breaks the barriers, youngers just tail-gate easily.
I found it frustrating because even at 7 or 8 she was still 'the baby' whereas I'd become the 'the big one' as soon as she was born, and was expected to look out for her, amuse her and give in to her while taking responsibility for anything she did wrong.

I have started and deleted about 7 paragraphs of examples - I didn't realise just how much resentment was still there

I would like to second everything which Luxor has said. The only thing to add really is that as my brother and I have got older we have come to realise that actually we have to stand together and work things out together. Our Dad's death and funeral was managed together. DB, being on his own, spends several holidays with me and my family each year.

Whenever my son complains about his younger sister, I try to make it clear that I do understand but that one day it may be both of them supporting each other and they will appreciate their Dad and me making sure that there are two of them.

Molly41

I was much harder on my eldest child as I pushed him harder to achieve at school. I learnt my lesson that ultimately kids have to take responsibility for their own learning.

mountainofdebt

lika_86 wrote: »

It' hard to be the eldest. I found my sister had such an easy ride compared to me, I had to fight for everything (ie. age I got my ears pierced, age I could go to the school disco, curfew etc), my sister got things easily because I'd already been there and had that fight and my mum had seen that it was ok.
.

Oh god can I relate to this.

Oh and I wanted to move in together - had the mother of all rows with my parents......when it came to my sister's time, my mum didn't bat an eyelid.

lika_86

I must admit though that to say my sister and I are very different people (just naturally complete opposites) we get on pretty well. I think my mum tried to be as fair as she could it did help we aren't too far apart in age though.

pinkclouds

Gosh, I'm a bit startled by some of the views on this thread. I am the elder sibling, by 6.5 years. I begged for a sibling and was delighted to finally get one. My baby sister is wonderful and I can't imagine life without her. Yes, sometimes I thought she was a pest but I'm sure I was at the same ages - it's just not possible to bypass the terrible twos or the moody teen years!

Anyway, back to the OP... Presumably the teenager has her own house key and cell phone, later bedtime, own computer (or more computer time because of school homework), trusted to be home alone and/or babysit (unlike younger sibling who has to be taken along with mom if dad or elder sibling isn't at home), more freedom over diet and clothing, allowed to wear makeup, trusted to go to the shops alone, etc.

There are loads of perks for being the eldest, simply due to age. One of the best is perhaps never envying an older sibling while you wait for "your turn" to be old enough e.g. to have a set of keys, to take driving lessons, etc. Oh, and another good one is it's easier to leave home. The younger sibling is the one that mom is clinging to, while wailing: "Don't ever leave home - you're my last baby!" lol (Don't worry - my mom calmed down within a few days and I'm well aware I shall be just as silly when it's my turn! As much as you love all your kids equally, whatever the youngest child does, or is going to do, always marks the "end of an era".)

faerie~spangles

Interesting thread.

Op have a chat with your 14yr old.

Listen.

Discuss.

Then come to a compromise.

Eldest of three girls, product of a shotgun wedding. Which my mother (an only child) never failed to remind me of, out of sight or hearing of anyone else. Polo neck's were my uniform when not wearing my school shirt and tie. She liked to grab me by the throat and slam me against walls.

Middle sister 16 months younger than me was under a psychiatrist by the time she was 11 - has been an alcoholic all her adult life.

Youngest sister was protected from my mother by both me and my middle sister. She has no idea how much we protected her from our mother.

January20

cheeswright wrote: »

My eldest kid (14) - frustrated by her younger sibling(10).. threw a wobbly today
and although I've calmed the waters for now...I have come to realise... have no idea what its like to be an older sibling.....
I'm a "younger "- my husband is too- as are both of my parents.....and me and OH both have poor relationships with older siblings.....
I googled and ..................nothing !!!!!

so in the interests of world peace ...if your and older and you have a successful relationship with youngers...what do you consider to be your rights...and responsibilities? - what do you suffer - and what do you get back ????
I've got nothing to offer my DD here and I'd really appreciate your input.

I haven't read any posts but I am the eldest and I can say that I did - and still do - suffer from it.

One of my earliest memories is of turning 7, and my father saying to me something like "you are 7 now. It is the age of reason and you have to show a good example to your brother and sister". And that has always been my role, the weight on my shoulders, as the eldest, having to show a good example, as well as being the pathfinder with parents who were controlling and fearful that bad things would happen to us.

A few years ago, my sister and I fell out. Completely initiated by her. My father told me I should make up with her because I was the eldest! Never the fact we were all in our forties by then, or that I'd done nothing wrong (apart from upsetting a grumpy woman by accident )

Still now, in my late 40s, I find it a heavy burden to be the eldest. I have no doubt that it contributed to many of the choices I made in my life.

ETA : Luxor4t, a lot of resentment here too

CH27

I'm an eldest.
I hated the way my sister invaded my room , took whatever she wanted & broke lots of things. She was never, ever punished for it.

When mum was ill she did everything she could to protect my sister but I got the lots as I wasn't her ''baby''.

mintymoneysaver

Oldest of two girls here, and I have two girls myself.

Although I could say I had to fight for everything, sister got it easy, I had to work hard at school, mum was more relaxed with her etc, I actually think an awful lot of that was down to our personalities anyway. I was independent, didn't want any help off anybody, whereas she was quite happy to have lifts, still be picked up etc. We both had to wait till 16 to have our ears pierced though! Mind you, I fought bigger battles, especially gettting engaged at 19...( which was a mistake, but that's a different story!)

My two get on okay, but they're not best friends which is a real shame as I always wanted them to. But again they're totally different characters. Oldest is athe academic one, but quite self centered, youngest has to try harder but is much more caring, and much younger in personality, so they are treated differently because it suits them. Eldest always had a later bedtime though, they both would have had to wait till 13 to get ears pierced but youngest hasn't wanted them done anyway. And as another poster said eldest is heading off to Uni with me missing her, but I'll cope, when youngest ever goes I'll be bereft!

I think all parents do their best, and do what seems right (or most do anyway) it's just that the children might not see it like that!

NewKittenHelp

After my brother was born I pretty much raised myself. My parents weren't abusive or not loving or anything like that, but I wasn't the child they signed up for. My brother was. He's got the same interests as them and he was definitely the easier option for them. He was a very clingy kid, very babyish, an attention seeker and always acts stupid. Now he's an adult and he's still the same, but he manages to control it at work so we know it's in his control. He's a grown man but has never done his own washing and still gets our mother to wash his hair for him. Our parents are to blame for that, they indulge his crap. We recently spent two weeks together (because he can't be left alone!) without their influence and after the first day we got on really well.

As the eldest I had to fight for every freedom I got but that came at the cost of my parents' attention. It was if they punished me for daring to grow up and not need them as much. He didn't really want the freedom that I had and for all I know that's why he was treated so differently than I was.

In the end you grow up and realise your parents are human and they're just an infallible as everyone else. Holding on to relatively minor things can just get in the way of getting to know and love them for the people they are and not just mum and dad.