oldest v youngest - rights and responsibilities

BitterAndTwisted

I never got any special privileges for being older but was often dumped with responsibilities. Not for the sister who is 15 months younger than I but the little one who is six years younger.

I can see now that I was an intrepid explorer, fighting tooth and nail to be allowed to do pretty normal stuff for my age, and the middle sister given the same privileges at the same time which seemed a terrible injustice then. Youngest one just appeared to be able to do what she liked, when she liked and grew up to have a very finely-honed sense of entitlement, and still does actually.

It's just as well that there's an awful lot of water under that particular bridge, so it doesn't matter any more but it really, really did at the time.

Bennifred

I am an eldest sibling, of four. I can remember being outraged by my younger siblings being allowed to have/do things at an earlier age than I had been. Also by them being excused when they took/spoiled my belongings (she's only little, etc!)

So make a mental note, lol! What age is eldest allowed to do/have things? Make sure the younger one isn't allowed to do/have it until they reach that age, even if you feel more relaxed about it second time around - eldest will know!!

shelley_crow

I was the youngest by 3 years. I suppose you can come across inequality from either side, some examples from me are:

Brother had free choice of high school (one I hated when I went there), he chose one 20 miles away from where we lived. Parents uprooted us and we moved into the same village as the school. I had to go to the same one he chose because my mom didn't want us at seperate schools.

Brother chose to go to college rather than stay on to sixth form, again he messed it up (not the college's fault, he was a bone idle waster). I wanted to go to that college for their choice of subjects not available at sixth form but was threatened into staying at sixth form.

Brother messed up his education through partying too much and being given too much freedom, I was virtually a prisoner in my own home until I was 18. Then personalities clashed among other things and I left.

Brother passed his driving test at 17 and parents bought him a car, taxed it, insured it and gave him petrol money. I passed my test at 17 like he did but parents were broke from doing that for him.

This is just a few examples. I think the problem was that my parents saw the mistakes he made and automatically assumed I would follow suit. He fought to have a later curfew, he messed up by staying out late. On the rare occaisions I was allowed out to socialise, mine was either much earlier (assuming I would be very late like he was too) or not negotiable.

I got heartily fed up of being penalised for essentially being the youngest and for following a pretty poor excuse of a human being.

ETA: We both had similar chores to do around the house. More often then not, he would get away with not doing his and he'd be let out with his friends, leaving me with both sets of jobs to do.

Janepig

What we glean from this thread is that eldest siblings are whinging miseryguts who bear grudges and had awful lives!

Seems to me that there's swings and roundabouts for being wherever you are in the family tree. I thought that the worst place to be was the middle child out of three. That's what all middle children I know have said to me anyway.

Jx

shelley_crow

Janepig wrote: »

What we glean from this thread is that eldest siblings are whinging miseryguts who bear grudges and had awful lives!

Seems to me that there's swings and roundabouts for being wherever you are in the family tree. I thought that the worst place to be was the middle child out of three. That's what all middle children I know have said to me anyway.

Jx

You might have something there, my other half is one of the middle of 4 kids. Although, if you speak to the eldest of the 4 (his sister), she might tell you different :rotfl:

Other half said his parents were always busy with his eldest sister having teenaged strops and the baby of the siblings (his brother) to worry about the two in between.

j.e.j.

Janepig wrote: »

What we glean from this thread is that eldest siblings are whinging miseryguts who bear grudges and had awful lives!

:rotfl:
Well.. the good thing about being the oldest is that you tend to get things bought for you new and you don't get other people's hand-me-downs.

The cr*p side is that you are often 'babied' because the parents want to treat both siblings the same, which can be very frustrating. I am the oldest by 7 years, so a wider age gap than your two children, OP, but just as an example I remember being age 12 and being sent to bed at the same time as my younger sibling, because "otherwise there will be arguments.." I mean, !!!!!!?? So there I was at secondary school, carefully avoiding conversation in the playground about what was on tv the night before, and trying not to let on to my school mates that I'd been sent to bed at half eight so that my sister didn't start crying and complaining. Honestly, I look back in disbelief!

(we get on fine now as adults, btw :rotfl:)

I guess at the end of the day, treating them equally doesn't mean treating them the same, iyswim.

Yorkie1

I deeply resented being forced to be the responsible one when my younger brother (2 years younger) got away with doing naff all.

I always had to help with the housework, do the washing up - whereas he sloped off to the 'toilet' after every evening meal, only ever coming out towards the end and never getting called on it.

I also had to be the one who brought letters home from school because he wasn't reliable. And he's still unreliable in some ways aged 39.

He frankly lived a blessed life and I was made to live up to all the expectations.

(Edit: I'm not really bitter about it now, there are just those things that rankled. We get on pretty well now - I sometimes feel sorry for him because his lack of prioritisation on finances means he lives from hand to mouth despite having a responsible - albeit not well paid - job in Belgium).

System

I was the oldest and if me and my brother argued it was always my fault cause i should have known better. It didnt matter that he was kicking me under the table, i had no right to retaliate and if i complained i was being petty.... Couldnt win really.:(

happy35

I am an eldest, OH is middle of 3 and DS is an only child.

I resented and still do to some extent the responsibility that is always on my shoulders, I am sensible and level headed whereas sister is a ditz so dont think this helped matters. I do think that there is still some resentment there as I even now feel left to get on with things as I do cope no matter what is thrown at me, sister has a meltdown at every little thing so am pressured into supporting her, which sometimes I do willingly at others I think get a grip!!!! Agree with not being allowed to do things etc. i was always expected to do well at school get good reports grades etc, whereas sister messed around did struggle a bit and everyone was over the moon that she managed to do something - v bitter here as i used to have to do her homework etc as apparently she couldnt do it when i would have rather been playing out.

OH middle child feels very badly done to as baby brother was always the favourite, no privileges as such as older brother totally different personality and never left the house much as a teenager. Feels never got much attention and just had to plod on as too busy with the others.

DS has obviously had all the attention to himself along with nearly everything he could want activity and material wise. i have been careful that he is not a brat and he always has company as OH is more like a child himself at times, and we always have friends here. A lot of only children around here so he doesnt miss having brothers and sisters etc and I hope that he doesnt in the future

waterbaby

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

I can see now that I was an intrepid explorer, fighting tooth and nail to be allowed to do pretty normal stuff for my age, and the middle sister given the same privileges at the same time which seemed a terrible injustice then.

I can definitely identify with this. At the age of 14 I was still waiting on the front doorstep for mum or dad to come home, because they wouldn't let me have a key. After much effort, FINALLY got one at 14, only for my sister (3 years younger) to get one a year later when she was 12. There are plenty of other examples; I suppose this (perceived?) lack of trust/belief hurt me, and caused me to distance myself from her to prove that a 3 year age gap did actually warrant treating us differently.

In short, I would consider that if my younger sibling has/does something at age X, then I should also have been allowed it at age X. Of course, those ages may vary depending on their individual abilities and aptitudes, but if it is always sooner for the younger one, the older one is likely to feel resentful of parents and sibling.