Mum at school giving evil looks to my child

duchy

No the mother works in a secondary school and contact is when she is picking up her daughter from the after school club both girls attend.

I do sort of agree saying something another child obviously loves and is working hard up is "pointless" was a little tactless and your daughter could be guided to be a little more thoughtful of other people's feelings -especially as little girls can be cliquish and volatile and there's no point in making a bad situation worse.

The mother just sounds pathetic especially as she is a teacher and should know there are three sides to every story-Your child's side, the other child's side ...and the truth (which is usually somewhere in the middle) but perhaps she's one of those parents who thinks *her* little cherub can do no wrong.......One rude awakening coming to her in the future though !

I'd let it go-give your daughter some tact lessons and have a meeting with the after school club in September if this daft woman is still acting like she's still a schoolgirl and ask them to keep an eye out.

(I'd be tempted to tell my child to tut back at her but it probably wouldn't help the situation but the biatch in me would probably ensure it got back to her via other Mums that our family nickname for her is "the tutter" but I'm not a nice person and wouldn't care about shaming her into sorting herself out)

raven83

What is wrong with adults today intimidating a young child? How pathetic is this woman's behaviour, she should feel ashamed.

I would go up to her on her own and say to her your concerns and ask her what if any problem them is with DD. Say your daughter is aware of her behaviour and it is upsetting, tell her if she has any problems that she should approach you and not your DD!

It is so sad to think that adults can be !!!!!y to a child, you would of thought they would of grown out of all that childish play ground behaviour, obviously not in some cases.

maggirl

When my DD told me about the "Chloe cried about being called pointless" incident I just groaned and explained to her that she was very tactless and very silly for telling it to another child and getting overheard. She never made the comments to Chloe directly. 've advised her to keep her thoughts like that to herself in future and think for three seconds before she opens her mouth!! She has learnt that lesson the hard way I hope. She just didnt appreciate it being forced down her throat with the two prima donnas constantly going on about it, wheras other children in the class who were in the production (and had bigger roles than the two girls concerned as well!) were just quietly practising and getting on with it.

suki1001

I'm playing devil's advocate here, but I have a very good friend who has a very sweet DD. Your DD is in a very similar situation to my friends DD. The thing is, she is a very sweet girl and I do think some of the situation is the truth. Her mother believes exactly the same as you and the other parents have acted in a similar way about their little darlings. It's an area with a lot of money and some very spoilt children and parents who can be very rude.

The problem is this dd of my friends can actually say very hurtful things to my children, although I've never said anything to the friend. My friend would never think that her daughter would do it and it's purely because she would feel left out that she'd be mean, but I don't think you can be 100% certain that your dd isn't saying things. I understand children can be very prescious, especially the one's who are like your dd's "friends", but comments like "It's a bit pointless" when people have put an awful lot of effort in to work hard (even if they are princessy) are not going to be seen in a good light.

I must admit I was very surprised about this girl who is my friend's daughter myself, but I guess she was just frustrated.

I'm not sticking up for these other girls in any way, but to have a parent who is so upset even if she is behaving in a very outrageous and childish way, is it possible there's no smoke without fire? I don't mean that your dd is to blame at all, but that it's not always black and white.

cottonhead

Since starting the school run I have come to notice there are some very unfriendly mums. Not what I would have thought seeing as we all have a shared experience but there are countless groups that seem to form and are quite hostile to outsiders. The gym mums who come to the gate prefectly groomed and always looking super slim and fit. The stay at home mums who linger for ages on the corner talking after school and always seem to get in the way when you are rushing to work. The career mums who employ nannies or ocaisionally drop by in their power suits. My point is with all these groups, in most schools there are bound to be some just plain nasty mums too. Just like when we were at school and had the 'popular girls' or the plain spiteful ones - they dont seem to change.
If an adult is behaving like this its a very bad example to set to her child who is going to struggle all through life with a stinking attitude if she isnt careful. The type of mums who think the sun shines out there kids rear do no favours to anyone. Sounds like she fits into that category.
I think I would deal with it by trying not to mention the whole thing. There is 6 weeks now for everyone to forget the daily schoo run ( thank goodness... !! woohoo! ) and things will probably be different when they get back. Carry on encouraging your child to make varied friendship groups and be civil to the 2 girls in question but try and hang out with other people. Same thing happended to me at school. Girls can be very jealous and spiteful and the ones who rise above it do better in the long run. Nobody wants to see their child upset but I think its a horrid fact of life that there will always be people who have nothing better to do than be nasty to others. Probably becauae of their own insecurtites most of the time. I really think the more you mention it or ask about it the more your daughter will switch on to every little thing this mum does. Some of which may not be directed at her. Your daughter may also like the comfort and reassurance she gets from you every time you pacify her and stand up for her and it becomes a circle.
Try and not mention it. If things get really bad in september then I guess you will have to confront the mum. Do it privately though and remember whatever you say will be repeated to everyone in the playground. Also probably best not to mention to your daughter if you do have to end up doing that. Hope you have a stress free 6 weeks !

Tiddlywinks

maggirl wrote: »

Hello, this sounds really pathetic but I wanted to know the best way to deal with this. I'd like to just ignore it but my DD keeps getting upset. Thank Goodness they break up today so I can have 6 weeks peace.

She had ongoing problems with Chloe who had taken a real dislike to her, almost a hatred, and tries to stir up trouble, like deliberately getting her told off in class etc, and now I genuinely believe there is a personality clash between them so I have encouraged her to stay away from her, she is now polite to Chloe but avoids getting into conflict, which is good.

.....

I used to talk to Amy's mum, just say hello and make small talk, but recently she seems to have been avoiding me, to the point of ignoring eye contact and walking off whenever I come near her, which is also fair enough; thats her choice, but a bit odd. It does make me feel extremely awkward as I dont know many of the mums but she is pally with all the mums in the class as they have known each other for years, since reception class and I havent had chance to introduce myself to any of them really.

But now my DD has been saying that Amy's mum has been giving her really dirty looks, rolling her eyes and tutting whenever she is near my DD, turning her back on her, and deliberately moving her chair away if my DD has to sit next to her, or calling over another child to sit in between them, presumably because she can't even "bear" to sit next to my DD...she does this eye rolling and tutting even if she just overhears my DD talking to another child (not even her own daughter) The description of what she does is so accurate that Im positive that what my DD is saying is true.

She comes into contact with my DD when she picks Amy up from afterschool club and inevitably Amy and my DD do play together sometimes and my DD says whenever Amy's mum sees them together she grabs Amy and gives my DD awful "looks"

.....

My DD is genuinely upset and troubled by this womans behaviour, she cant understand what she is supposed to have done "wrong". She is also very perceptive about body language and I'm sure she isnt making it up or exaggerating. The only reason that I can think of is that Amy or Chloe have been making up tales about my DD and reporting back to their parents...this woman apparently thinks of Chloe as a "second daughter" (her words to my DD ages ago) so I assume any "wrong" allegedly to Chloe offends this woman. However as far as I am aware my DD has stayed away from Chloe for ages and the only trouble between them is when Chloe is trying to stir things up.

You and your daughter are both new to the school and this can be an anxious time when trying to meet new people, fit in and make friends.

If how your daughter feels is having an effect on school then you do need to speak with her class teacher - especially as you feel it is leading to your DD getting told off in class.

HOWEVER, you need to look critically at the situation first.

Are you giving off vibes to your daughter - can she sense how uncomfortable you are when approaching the school? You seem to be lacking in the confidence to really try to interact with the other parents; is there a chance this has subconsciously impacted on how your daughter views things?

Your post talks about your DD's perceptions of her treatment from Amy's mum - you haven't mentioned seeing it yourself. You said your DD's description was 'accurate' - you can't really say that as you weren't there.

maggirl wrote: »

no, at another (Seconday) school I dont know which one exactly, because, unlike most of the nosey cliquey mums at DDs school I dont grill people on their job or what sort of house they live in/what their husband does for a living......

Sorry, yes I am starting to get a bit of a chip on my shoulder about this!! My DD is such a sweet thing, wouldnt hurt a fly, and I know all mums would say this but she is genuinely a really caring (if shy) little girl it makes me so mad that she is getting all this grief when she has had to put up with so much, including changing schools 3 times already in her little life, and these complacent numpties who ahve all been cliquey since reception class can't even be btohered accepting her.

Another Chloe incident: My DD is a bit of a tom-boy and isnt interested in being in school performances etc. Chloe and Amy are, and were constantly practising their lines and songs in the playground, and showing off and being precocious at every opportunity. My DD said to another child "its all a bit pointless really", (her opinion of the production!) Chloe didnt actually hear my DD say this, but another child went and told her, Chloe then burst out crying for 10 minutes, got a teacher involved who told off DD quite harshly, then said "there there, Chloe I'm sure you are really popular" Chloe then turned around and smirked at my DD while every other girl in the class ran round fussing over her and said "are you Ok Chloe, dont worry you are brilliant in the performance"

Some bits of your post do sound a little envious at being on the outside of the 'in-crowd' - could that be clouding your views?

You are quoting what your daughter has said as if it were fact. I'm not saying your daughter is lying BUT that she is only remembering and then recounting her version of the events plus she will be spinning it towards your views as well.

I think you need to have a word with the class teacher first and get an independent view in order to then decide how to take things forward.

How long has your DD been at the school? Is it a large school? Could she change class? Would that help?

balletshoes

thatgirlsam wrote: »

You're probably not going to be able to change this woman's behaviour, and tbh might just give her more fuel for her fire. She sounds like a complete idiot.

If it were me I would have a talk with my dd and say that grown ups can behave in a stupid way sometimes, and really they probably don't have happy lives, and we should feel sorry for them.

Then I would try and encourage a friendship with another child, hopefully one that also goes to ASC. Invite them round during the holidays.

And I would either completely blank the woman or be as nice as pie in the hope it makes her look pathetic. She will move onto someone else soon, they always do. And when she does make sure you tell whoever it is that it was your turn previously.

OP this is exactly what I would do (and in fact have done, in the last fortnight ). I personally think its completely over-the-top for parents to be snide and roly-eyed at children just because there has been some slight against their own child in the playground etc. I would never do that, in my opinion all that does is make the parent look like the child. So I treat the parent concerned exactly the same as I always have, with a cheery hello and a pass-the-time-of-day at the school if we're there together. If she wants to be a huffy bum, thats up to her, I'm not stooping to her level.

pinkclouds

maggirl wrote: »

no, at another (Seconday) school I dont know which one exactly, because, unlike most of the nosey cliquey mums at DDs school I dont grill people on their job or what sort of house they live in/what their husband does for a living......

Sorry, yes I am starting to get a bit of a chip on my shoulder about this!! My DD is such a sweet thing, wouldnt hurt a fly, and I know all mums would say this but she is genuinely a really caring (if shy) little girl it makes me so mad that she is getting all this grief when she has had to put up with so much, including changing schools 3 times already in her little life, and these complacent numpties who ahve all been cliquey since reception class can't even be btohered accepting her.

My advice would be to make friends with some of the other moms. They are not *all* cliquey numpties. Some of them, if not all, will be perfectly nice normal people. This will have a ripple effect for both you and your daughter. Unless you're planning on moving again and starting her at a 4th school. In which case, perhaps both of you are wary of making friends and putting down roots. Understandable, if so.

You don't have to "grill" people. Just a little small talk will do. Doesn't have to be about careers or property. Things like: how is your child doing, your coat/cardi/shoes look nice, did you remember the homework/costume/event for school, etc. Or failing all that, just talk about the weather with a smile on your face. If you are tired or having a bad day, say so. It's better than letting people think you are hacked off at them. If you think someone doesn't like you or you're reluctant to talk to someone, then it's sufficient to nod and smile and move on.

Your daughter will absorb your vibes and imitate your manner. The other moms will recognise you and your daughter and develop greater affinity for both you, which will be passed on to their own kids. Really - the little things do help. And, yes, I do know it's easier to advise than to act. But it's all meant sincerely and with best intentions.

tabby_cats_mum

pinkclouds is right make friends with other mums, you may find they are just cliquey numpties because the nicer ones gravitate together to avoid the not so nice ones. I speak as part of a clique (according to some) but it's a safety in numbers thing as much as anything so we can avoid the horrors (and believe me I could make your hair curl with tales about some of the parents!!!)

Nicki

I do think it is odd that an adult would behave in this way towards a child, or get involved in playground spats to be honest.

But I do think it is possible that Any's mum does think that your child is not a very nice child, and that this isn't necessarily anything to do with Chloe telling lies about her.

Looking at the incident you recount from another perspective, say you had devoted a lot of time on a project and were very proud of that, how would you feel to learn that someone in your friendship group had told another of your friends in that group, that it was a waste of time and pointless? I'd be hurt and upset, even if it wasn't said directly to me to be honest, and that's as an adult. It wasn't a kind thing for your daughter to say, and it doesn't come across to me as simply expressing a contrary opinion to a friend, but actually more as a jealous and slightly catty remark to make about someone she doesn't really like. You have chosen to focus on how Chloe reacted to the incident, but Amy, who does play with your child some of the time, will have been equally as hurt.