Mum at school giving evil looks to my child

maggirl

Hello, this sounds really pathetic but I wanted to know the best way to deal with this. I'd like to just ignore it but my DD keeps getting upset. Thank Goodness they break up today so I can have 6 weeks peace.

My DD moved schools a while ago. She struck up a friendship with another girl, Amy within a few weeks, but Amy's best friend (call her Chloe) got jealous and really took against DD, and made life difficult for my DD, saying that she couldnt play with Amy and doing some quite devious stuff to try and stop them being friendly with each other....at which point I said to my DD it was probably better for her to try not to come between them and to try and vary the children that she played with. She now plays with Amy a lot less and has found other nice girls in the class to play with.

She had ongoing problems with Chloe who had taken a real dislike to her, almost a hatred, and tries to stir up trouble, like deliberately getting her told off in class etc, and now I genuinely believe there is a personality clash between them so I have encouraged her to stay away from her, she is now polite to Chloe but avoids getting into conflict, which is good.

Chloe and Amy's mums are best friends and I think the mums have tried to push the two girls together to be best friends, which is fair enough.....None of my business.

I used to talk to Amy's mum, just say hello and make small talk, but recently she seems to have been avoiding me, to the point of ignoring eye contact and walking off whenever I come near her, which is also fair enough; thats her choice, but a bit odd. It does make me feel extremely awkward as I dont know many of the mums but she is pally with all the mums in the class as they have known each other for years, since reception class and I havent had chance to introduce myself to any of them really.

But now my DD has been saying that Amy's mum has been giving her really dirty looks, rolling her eyes and tutting whenever she is near my DD, turning her back on her, and deliberately moving her chair away if my DD has to sit next to her, or calling over another child to sit in between them, presumably because she can't even "bear" to sit next to my DD...she does this eye rolling and tutting even if she just overhears my DD talking to another child (not even her own daughter) The description of what she does is so accurate that Im positive that what my DD is saying is true.

She comes into contact with my DD when she picks Amy up from afterschool club and inevitably Amy and my DD do play together sometimes and my DD says whenever Amy's mum sees them together she grabs Amy and gives my DD awful "looks"

Im always polite to Amy, she quite often chatters to me if I pick DD up first before her mum turns up and I woiuld never dream of being awful to a child, even to Chloe who I dont particularly like.

My DD is genuinely upset and troubled by this womans behaviour, she cant understand what she is supposed to have done "wrong". She is also very perceptive about body language and I'm sure she isnt making it up or exaggerating. The only reason that I can think of is that Amy or Chloe have been making up tales about my DD and reporting back to their parents...this woman apparently thinks of Chloe as a "second daughter" (her words to my DD ages ago) so I assume any "wrong" allegedly to Chloe offends this woman. However as far as I am aware my DD has stayed away from Chloe for ages and the only trouble between them is when Chloe is trying to stir things up.

I cant take this up with school because it is happening outside school hours, and I dont want to have some slanging match with the woman (who would just deny it anyway and make me look crazy for suggesting she was doing such a thing) The worst bit of it is she is a teacher herself!!!!!

Its got to the point where my DD says she doesnt want to go back to afterschool club in September and is kicking up a fuss now, asking if she can quit, but as I work full time I have no alternative options.

Any suggestions, other than just ignoring it and hoping she stops this stupid behaviour in September?? Its making me feel awkward about going anywhere near school, to school events, sports day etc.

gingin_2

Can you not discuss it with the mum calmly? It doesn't have to be a confrontation, just say your DD has picked up some vibes and wondered if everything was okay and if not, what can be done to sort it?

savingmummy

How awful

I would politely speak with the mum and say `i was wondering if anything is wrong or have we done anything to upset you` or along those lines.

Sometimes thats all that is needed to sort these issues out BUT i know it can go either way, so depending on how this mum is i`d opt to either chat with her OR leave it (if you feel it will cause an issue).

maggirl

It is all a bit stupid, I agree, and I'm so relieved that I might not have to deal with this until September. DD is being picked up early tonight and as far as I know, Amy doesnt even go to afterschool on a Friday anyway.

Just angry that a grown up (who is supposed to be a teaching professional) can behave in this way. Im sure its all down to Chloe and Amy telling tales.

Apparently a week or so ago my DD asked Amy "Does your mum like me??" initially Amy said "yes" but when my daughter said "go on, be honest" Amy admitted that he mum didnt, and told Amy that my DD "wasn't a good friend to her" ...God knows what that is supposed to mean.

Its all so childish. They are 9 and allowed to be childish, but a grown up getting involved???!!!!

Example: Chloe and my DD had a minor fall out last week and I had to go and see the teacher as it was all over someting belonging to my DD which we needed to get back- my DD thought Chloe had taken her gym shoes and put them in her gym bag, Chloe refused point blank to show my DD the disputed pair of shoes and when the teacher got involved it turned out that Chloe had one of my DDs and one of her own!! The other mis-matched pair had been left in another cloakroom, but it took me going in to the teacher to get it sorted as Chloe refused to let my DD even look at them. I can only think that it is minor incidents like this that are being exaggerated into bigger issues and this is what the woman is fretting about.

I have the womans phone number from when Amy came to DD's birthday party last year, and was sneakily going to text her and say "Does Amy want to come to the cinema" just to see what response (if any) I got back. I think Amy is Ok, but she does tend to be a "people collector" - ie latching on to people, telling them that they are her "new best friend" and then dropping them in favour of Chloe..... so if DD wants to be friends with her, Im OK with that as long as she doesnt get her heart broken by being dropped as a friend again. But it would be interesting to see what came back from Amy's mum!!!!!

gingin_2

maggirl wrote: »

It is all a bit stupid, I agree, and I'm so relieved that I might not have to deal with this until September. DD is being picked up early tonight and as far as I know, Amy doesnt even go to afterschool on a Friday anyway.

I would sort it now, when it's fresh, rather than leave it hanging over you and your DD. If you can clear the air now, maybe you can mend the relationship over the holidays.

Do you not want to discuss it with the Mum?

Spamfree_2

Keep your fingers crossed it all blows over during the 6 weeks off.

Sambucus_Nigra

Is Amy's mum a teacher at your DD's school?

silkyuk9

I know what I would do but those days have gone! we are all too scared to voice our opinions these days, if this was me when I was a kid my mother would be straight round to the womans house.

londonsurrey

The things that are obscuring the actual behaviour is the fact that it is being performed by an adult, and one from a profession that would in a perfect world result in appropriate behaviour.

However, I know teachers and suchlike who behave disgracefully and that is the real world. (I could launch into a long diatribe about the examples at this point, but it would be veering from your posting )

Personally, I would explain to your daughter that the woman is behaving in an immature manner, which one would expect from some children, and to simply smilingly go about her business as usual whilst inwardly laughing at her. It also explains why her daughter goes for stupid mind games!

It will set your daughter up in good stead to be able to recognise that just because someone is an adult, they are not perfect, and indeed sometimes positively imperfect. Lol.

As for sorting things out, I'd just have a quiet word with the teachers that Chloe has some kind of bugbear going on, as has been witnessed by that teacher, and to ask them to be aware that calm intervention is necessary for silly things like sorting out the shoes, and that your daughter just wants business as usual, like her shoes back, and isn't interested in a drama.

Gordon_Hose

Seems the children and adult roles have got a bit mixed up at this school.

If it was me I'd just ignore the sour old trout and get on with my life. If your child is upset tell her that the woman is behaving like a baby and she should be ignored.

suki1001

That's really horrible. i think some people expect you to be mind readers.

You could take one of three approaches:

1Explain to your DD this is how some adults behave and it isn't her problem at all.

2Explain to the after school club what is happening and ask them to keep an eye out.

3Confront the mother

In all honesty I would opt for option 2. Purely because I wouldn't want to confront the parent when she is possibly highly strung about something. You're likely to get a backlash or denial.
I think if your daughter is so worried she doesn't want to go to after school club, they need to know and they may even notice it themselves.

You sound like a very reasonable person.