Support and information after multiple miscarriages thread

abis21

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked " What makes a Mother?
And I know I heard Him say

"A Mother has a baby
This we know is true"
But God can you be a Mother,
When your baby's not with you?

"Yes, you can," He replied,
With confidence in His voice
I give many women babies
When they leave is not their choice

Some I send for a lifetime
And others for the day
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay.

"I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby to be here.
He took a deep breath and cleared His throat
And then I saw the tear.

"I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today
If you could see your child's smile
With all the other children and say..

"We go to Earth to learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear
My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here

I feel so lucky to have a Mom
Who had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
My Mommy set me free

I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her every day
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow's where I lay

I stroke here hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear
Mommy don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I'm here"

"So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are born here in My home
And this is where they'll stay

They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lesson's through
And on the day that you come home
They'll be at the gates for you

So now you see what makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.

There it is for you skint. I don't think its selfish in the slightest to want your babies with you. I just liked this thought that our babies were born I think. And I like what you said too about angels carrying them. It just comforts me a little. xxx

SusanC_2

skintchick wrote: »

Abis, I'm not sure if I read the poem, but I am a Christian and I do believe my babies are in heaven and that I will meet them one day. I had a vision of them being inside angels until they were born properly there, and I believe they are growing up and that I'll meet them when I die. That may sound morbid but I truly believe they are with God and very happy and healthy in heaven.

I just wish they were here with me I know that's a bit selfish; heaven is the best place anyone could be, after all.

I'm a Christian too and the way I try to look at it is that if one of my children were say to move to Australia I would be sad about it because I would miss them and so even though I know that one day I will meet my babies in heaven I still feel sad in the meantime that they aren't here with me. One positive that I try to take from it all is that even though I will never have as many children as I would have liked here on earth, I know that I have a large family in heaven. I like to think of the three of them all running round together now and not knowing any sickness or pain or sadness. Not that that magically stops me being sad about them or anything but it's a comforting mental picture to have.

lemonmelon_2

Hello,
I know I haven't posted here before but I just wanted to say how comforting that idea is to me, its one of the few things that helps me feel able to cope with having more than one miscarriage - that I think my babies aren't alone any more. I wish so much that they were here with me and I could look after them and keep them safe but I really need to believe that they are together somewhere, looking after each other and that's why we needed to go through so much sadness- so they wouldn't be alone. I know when they were here with me they only knew safe and warm and loved and I need to believe that's still the case and they can keep each other safe now.
Sorry I know that's just a jumble of words - its making me cry just typing it. Thank you for the poem Abis - its beautiful.

portsmouthali

I'm not religious but that still made me cry - it was beautiful. Thanks abis xxxx

I'm just waiting for my consultants' secretary to phone me back. We want to try again but we won't do it without some kind of treatment plan - I can't believe 5 miscarriages after 1 perfectly healthy child can be classed as "bad luck" I will certainly keep you all updated x

cleofish

hi everyone, my appointment is friday afternoon, i dont know what to make of it yet, we have been waiting all this time and it would be good to find out either way but im also scared i suppose of finding out.

abis-thats a lovely poem i think i might have seen it when you posted the first time and it made me cry ive just read it again and sobbed like a mad woman! its probably the appoinment on friday that has got me all wound up as well but even after all this time it still hurts so much when i think about things.

hi portsmouthali, i hope you get some joy with the secretary today and keep us posted on what happens.

abis- isnt it a little bit mad we spent so much time wishing for the urine to get to normal and now your wishing the levels would rise fingers crossed you get a +ve soon.

another day, another medical story in the paper around fetility or perhaps i subconciosuly spot them, todays was about the age your mother started menopause and how it could affect the fertility of your eggs and how many you are likely to have....these stories drive me mad, feels like another thing to worry about!

anyway im off to calm down with a cup of tea, fire and my cat.

cleofish

hi everyone,
i went to my appintment this afternoon, if im honest it was terrible and i feel worse afterwards.

we had to wait an hour over our appointment time and when we got in the doctor said he didnt have my notes and asked what had brought me to see him, so i went through the molar, the miscarriages everything all over again

He then told us the blood tests appeared to be fine, they didnt have any of the chromosones tests as they do take a while to get back! we told him its been 3 months since we had been tested and the hospital made this appointment to come back and then the doctor changed his tact and told us he couldnt find my notes but if it had been bad he would have flagged it up!

I was so upset i could have cried there and then, the results have been built up for so long i dont think i really understood how much it affected me.

The doctor just spouted lots of percentages, clinic chances of success, while i tried the whole time not to cry and my boyfriend tried not to get angry.

I didnt want to be told percentages, the number of times i have sat in front of a doctor for various reasons being told percentages! They dont mean anything, its no guarantee, i went to the clinic today to get some cold hard facts, either everything appeared medically to be ok and hopefully that would be some sort of reassurance for us to try again or i had a problem that could hopefully be sorted.

We left feeling none the wiser, we pushed for him to tell us the chromosone results when he did have access to my notes, and he said he will write to me next week.

he did say however he wants me to go for a hysteroscopy (under general camera gets put inside my womb) to see the shape of my womb and any possible adhersion caused by the erpc ive had following the miscarriages, it felt like he was doing us a favour by offering this test, he told us he likes to carry this out for his patients, but yet he couldnt be bothered to have my notes before the appointment today or even get the results, i would have preferred if he just said at the beginning sorry i havent got all your results can i reschedule or even if the hospital had phoned before!

Plus he said the hysteroscopy will take 3-4 months until an appointment comes through, i just feel so lost and like i have wasted more time of my life waiting for this and now he wants us to wait again, i dont want any more ops or waiting i just want an uncomplicated pregnancy that lasts till the end!

we got to the car and i just broke down, this is just so cr*p sometimes.

abis21

Oh cleofish - that sucks. I don't think they realise how hard it is for people waiting and how anxious you get and all the scenarios you run through in your head, and how you would cope with each scenario. No wonder you broke down afterwards

I can send you lots of virtual hugs and chocolate, but theres nothing in reality which will help you at the moment I don't suppose

I really hope they get back to you with the chromosone results really quickly and that the hysteroscopy gets arranged quickly too. Any chance you could pay privately for that to bump you up the queue? I think some of the ladies on the TTC 12+ board have paid for things like that so they may be able to give you an idea of costs?

It must be so frustrating waiting for all the tests etc

Would charing cross be able to push for any more help for you? Or can they offer you any insight? Annie at Sheffield has always been so helpful with me about TTC issues as well as molar issues.

I wish they knew why molar pregnancies happened. I understand 'how' but its scary not knowing how to prevent it etc.

Awww, susanc and lemonmelon - thats both beautiful ways of thinking about something so sad I think.

Ali - hope you got some information / help from the secretary.

I do love that poem, altho it makes me sob every time I read it. I can't tell you how much its helped me, and the ceremony I went to called saying goodbye. Was nice to have something formal in place I found.

skintchick

Hugs to everyone, especially cleo. xxxx

Nothing happening with me really. Nearly finished my counselling now, just two sessions to go, and I am amazed how much better I feel, and how much more positive. Not sure how much of that is to do with having a diagnosis, and how much is the counselling, but it's been very helpful and would definitely recommend it.

We have ended up talking about my childhood a fair bit, which is a touch off topic, but it's been very helpful to look at issues the mcs have brought back up for me.

Two more cycles before I can TTC so getting a bit excited about that.

skintchick

How is everyone?

I am so cross with St Mary's! I still don;t have my results about the antiphospholipid syndrome despite emailing then last week, today they emailed back asking for my DOb and hospital number which I had already sent in my original email! Arrrgh!

I gave the blood a month ago! It's so incompetent, I am fuming.

I have my pre-op assessment tomorrow for my bunion surgery and I need to let them know if I have clotting disorders, which was why I chased my result last week. I was told 3 weeks so I definitely should have it by now.

Too much stress.

skintchick

Hi, how is everyone? I still don't know if I have APS or not! Incredibly incompetent of St Mary's.

My bunion op is next Monday so just waiting for that to be over before I can TTC again.

Hope everyone else is OK.