Post Your Telephone Sales Wind Ups Here!

wherediditallgo

Great thread!

When my mum used to get cold callers, she'd ask "Are you a dirty caller?" When they said no, she'd say "Well, I'm expecting a call from one, so please come off the phone now". :rotfl:

I've got my own replies ready for them.

If I get offered double glazing, I say I don't have any windows as I don't like to look at other people.
A new kitchen? I cook my food on a garden camp fire because fire inside a house is dangerous.
A loft conversion? I live underground because I don't like stairs, daylight or people.
Medical insurance? I say ooh thanks for that, then start to regale them with incredible details about how bad one of my monthlies was (the tale gets more gross the more I tell it, especially if the caller's male ).

A few errs & aahs later, & they usually hang up.

One of my friends just keeps giggling until they hang up. Another one just keeps saying "I don't believe you" to every statement they make, starting from when they say their company name. :rotfl:

violetta

My late mother-in-law (GRHS) used to say to market researchers (phone or doorstep):

MIL: Oh good, will I be paid for this?

CC: .... err, no

MIL: But are you being paid for your time?

CC: .... well, yes

MIL: What makes you think my time is less valuable than yours? CLICK (or SLAM)

Markyt

Doorstep caller (DC), me in the garden :

DC - Hi mate, you got a few minutes spare?

Me (slow smile) - Sorry, mate?

DC - Haven't disturbed you from the football have I?

Me (still with fixed grin) - I hate football. I'm sorting these slabs out.

DC (starting to look nervous) - Has the soil subsided with all this rain?

Me (still grinning) - Doubt it. Its more likely the last cold caller has rotted down now and the soil has sunk.

He left. No idea which company he was from.

Catseyez

This thread is hilarious! I shall try to remember some for next time. I'm really boring, all I ever tell them is that I'm not at home!

janiegs

My best ones are the people who ask for the elderly couple who used to live here.

Caller "Can I speak to Mr or Mrs Brown?"

Me "Not unless you're psychic, they're both dead"

Caller hangs up quickly.

It's true by the way. I tried being nice for the first 6 months, then I got fed up!

lynzpower

Ive had SO many of these

G "hello its gurjit from Mobiolephoneland based in Wolverhampton"
Lynz "oh ive got freinds in wolverhampton, where abouts are you based"
G er
Me what you dont know where you work, is it near the sainsburys?"
G er er
Lynz are there any jobs going there? It sounds like a brilliant job just talking to lovely peeople all day"
G im phoneing as youve been selected for X tarriff
Lynz Oh thats a shame as Im moving to wolverhampton soon and looking for a job, are there any vacancies there?I dont want to take on a new contract when Im moving house & job etc"
G - er er
Lynz can i speak to your HR manager
g er er

For arguiments sake, any location works for this, use any major generic landmark Prince of wales pub, tescos, big roundabout, etc

My favourite is when they ask "do you have a mobile phone"
I always fake laff & go course I do, everyone does dont they, I have 4
One for me, one for the car one work one and one for my affiars.

Oh Ive got a great deal blah blah, and then I go, actually I have 4 but I never use them they are usually switched off.

TBH I jsut say whatever comes into my head

I have been known to waste time calling ocean finance saying Ive seen your adverts, is it really right that you can consolidate 25000 into ONE LOW MONTHLY PAYMENT?? IS that really right! WILL I SAVE MONEY? REALLY thats SO GREAT and then when the operator reckons all their Xmasses have come at one I say, OK thats FAB, oh I know my husbnad will want to know, whgassit called again the A-r- p... they go er APR- I go yeah thats it, what is it with you ( now they cant tell you over the phone, they get someone else to call you back with this and do the hard sell) and then I go what YOU DONT KNOW what the APR is? WHY NOt? DOnt they train you? I wouldve thought if you are answerting the phone youd be told that? WHy not? what have you got to hide? Cue a lot more er errring, and then I say something withering like "well if you think im risking my financial future with a company who cant even tell me what the APR is on 25k, you are on a losing streak. thanks for all your help, very useful indeed. BYEEEEE

keeps me entertained. and I like to think someone might not have been able to get through when I called so Ive saved someone a lot of heartache while whiling away my own time :rotfl:

northantsandy

I love the fact that the banks tell you not to divulge your personal information if asked for it in an e-mail, then get the hump when they call you out of the blue and you refuse to tell them your mother's maiden name, etc as you have no idea who they are.....

Jakejakejake

Right, i want to work in a call centre for a day!! See what its like !!!

Another tip, if they ask you for any numbers (phone, card, house etc.) type them in on the keypad - that really frustrates them! Same with argos - speak to a colleague on check and reserve, and do that - see how many times you can do it until they hang up!!!

Thanks to all the posters in this thread - i have been laughing for an hour now!!

lwt2006

bump......

clearskies

The best one I had was one day when I was hanging curtains in the living room. Of course, I'd just got up the step ladder when the phone rang...

ME: Hello?
VERY POSH WOMAN: Yes, hellloo, is that (name) hair salon?
ME: Er, no, I'm sorry you've got the wrong number...
VPW: Oh, for God's sake!!! (and BANGS down the phone like it was my fault)
ME: (Fuming, back up the ladder - phone rings again)
ME: Hello?
VPW: Yes, hellloo, I want to make an appointment to have my hair permed!
ME: I'm terribly sorry but you've dialled the wrong number....
VPW: Oh, I don't believe this!!!!! (BANG goes the phone)
ME: (Steam coming out my ears - back up the ladder - phone rings again...)
ME: Hello?
VPW: Yes, hellloo, this is Mrs Very Posh and Arrogant here, I want to make an appointment with Julie to have my hair permed...
ME: Certainly Mrs Very Posh and Arrogant, when would suit you?
VPW: Can you fit me in on Friday about elevenish? I have a very important dinner dance on Friday evening and my hair is desperately needing permed...
ME: No problem at all Mrs Very Posh and Arrogant, would eleven fifteen suit you?
VPW: Yes, that's perfect. Now, (sounding anxious) that will be with Julie, won't it?
ME: Of course, Mrs Very Posh and Arrogant. I'll mark it in the diary right now. And we'll look forward to seeing you on Friday.....:D