make do and mend for tougher times

monnagran

MRSLW: I very nearly could have seen you on Chi today. We had planned to go there as it used to be a favourite place to spend our day off when we lived on the mainland. In the end we decided to save the ferry fare and went instead to a lovely cafe we know that looks over the downs one way and over the sea the other.

VJ'sMum: Ah. Wittering. My best friend owned a bungalow right on the beach at West Wittering and used to give it to us for 2 weeks every summer. Other friends used to come down at the same time and camp in the garden. Even now my boys, in their forties, say that to them holiday means Wittering.

Re: losing a child. I managed to do that in my own home. I put the boys to bed one very hot night and an hour later went upstairs to check on them. The 5 yearold was sleeping peacefully in his bed. The 3 yearold was nowhere to be found. It was a big house so it took me a while to search it thoroughly, then, with mounting hysteria, I searched it again, all the cupboards and hidey holes, and the garden. I got everyone in the house searching - sheds, garages, up and down the road.....
I was just about to call the police when I went upstairs to check the 5 year old again. What made me do it I'll never know, but I opened the tiny cupboard in the bedside cabinet. There, red, sweating but fast asleep was my missing cherub. We worked out afterwards that he must have got up and gone into his brother's room to play, (strictly forbidden), heard someone coming upstairs and somehow big brother had managed to cram him into the cupboard and shut the door and there he had dropped off to sleep. Phew. I will never forget the panic.

Blow you all talking about the tempting offers in the SMs. I'm trying to be extra tight with money at the moment and you are not making it easy. I have avoided the shops this week and was patting myself on the back, as you do, and now I keep wondering if I ought to go and scour Mr T's for irresistable bargains. I will fight this battle.

x

emalou88

Would also like to add I'm 24 and even when I'm driving the 3 minute car journey back home I have to text my Mum to let her know I'm home.

If she drops me off she waits to leave until I'm in the house. You can't win though because then I worry about her getting home.

I think everyone in my family has gone safety mad since the accident! I must admit I'm a massive worrier and this has only made me worse.

Popperwell

nuatha wrote: »

Pops there are other options available to you.
We lost Herself's Dad last year, as he'd been a train driver we arranged for his ashes to go in the firebox of a steam loco and be scattered that way in a beauty spot (as it happens, not that far from you) but we could just as easily scatter them in an area we could visit easily or had special significance to the family. There is nothing to stop you bring her ashes home and storing them until you decide what's right for you both. I suspect very few people ever look at those books of remembrance, and locally those plaques need a new fee paying every five years.
The most important thing is that you have your memories of her, they alone prove she didn't just pass through but was a special person that touched other people's lives.
HTH

In a nice way that brought tears to my eyes Nuatha especially the last paragraph. She did touch others and considering I was quite amazed how many did turn up at the funeral. Really now there is only me left to remember her and when I leave the memories they go with me.

I know I am biased but she really was so well liked and even when she was ill and again I feel a bit strange because around now a year ago Mum was at the hospital having radio therapy and things looked positive.

There was more to suggest Mum was here for some time to come. And she was so strong physically. The old aying if she had not got cancer and it had been spotted sooner I really feel she was a long liver.

I think what you and 7 Day Wonder makes so much sense to me. I never thought that I would consider an ern and bringing Mum home but the plaques and books of remembrance are not looked at.

I always used to like sitting on a bench with a little plaque looking at a nice restful scene. So that could be an idea. Funnily enough my Father came from a town associated with the Railways(Shildon)and worked all his life in the British Rail workshops there.

I know that my Father had his name put in a BOR and rarely did we manage to get through to see it though on the day we thought of him and I know no one else visits it:(

Hope no minds this being discussed but I see you as my friends. And I hope that we can share here. The sad and happy times...and tomorrow we'll probably be talking of other things.

It's all new to me...

Popperwell

emalou88 wrote: »

Pops - Sounds a bit horrible but my Mum has had my Dad's ashes back and has them at home, along with my Gran's who died of a brain tumour 3 years ago. The original plan was to wait till my Grandad passed away and scatter his and my nan's ashes together in Yorkshire ( that's where they come from originally)
However we never expected this to happen to my Dad, so had his back as we didn't really know what to do. Now we think we'll still wait for Grandpa to pass and scatter all 3 together.

emalou88 wrote: »

Would also like to add I'm 24 and even when I'm driving the 3 minute car journey back home I have to text my Mum to let her know I'm home.

If she drops me off she waits to leave until I'm in the house. You can't win though because then I worry about her getting home.

I think everyone in my family has gone safety mad since the accident! I must admit I'm a massive worrier and this has only made me worse.

It doesn't sound awful at all emalou and even though I have my grief to get used to I am such a caring/loving person I feel for others ike yourself. Perhaps this is the best way forward for now.

I will look into it, I know I won't keep them forever but why should I feel rushed. I have already let 5 months pass so why should a few more make any difference.

I also understand you and Mum watching out for each other. When I was using taxis(which I could afford when Mum was alive)I felt safer, it was quicker and most used to wait until I closed the door behind me before they drove away.

valk_scot

Popperwell wrote: »

It's difficult I like your idea but they say the new crem where Mum is has a lovely garden. I am so tempted by what you suggest but if I do where do I choose? I should not feel rushed even if I have to consider delaying and bringing them home.

I mean our happiest holiday times were spent in Bournemouth. Could I manage a trip there? Would I be allowed to do scatter them there? Would I feel too far away from Mum? I don't want to make this thread unhappy/take it over but they are all thoughts we must think of at some point even when all is well.

You don't have to scatter them or have a memorial, you know, you can just bring them home and keep them with you if you like. Then you could leave instructions in your own will to have both your and your mother's ashes scattered together, perhaps? Or is that a bit odd? I'm a bit peculiar about ashes, I now have the ashes of three deceased relatives and four cats in the house simply because I prefer to have them here rather than anywhere else. (I think the cat ashes might be going under the next tree I plant though.) The relatives? I'll get round to doing something with them one day I expect, I'll know when it's right.

maryb

When I was at work when my DDs were about 12/13 and had to walk home from school, I would phone home every day at 4.30 to make sure they were home.

God knows what good it would have done if anything had happened but they knew that I would be phoning and it encouraged them not to dawdle. That alone made it safer for them because they were going home at a time when the streets were busy.

fuddle

That's another thing, I don't think I could go to work after school. I, at 12, went home alone too and never came to any harm but I just don't think I can do it.

I'll be the parent picking DD's and her friends up from night clubs at 2am just so I know they are safe etc. I dread to think what anxiety medication I will need then.

grandma247

Vjsmum I sometimes had to walk to work in the dark and I found it best to walk as though on a mission, briskly with my head up so I could see and hear what was going on around me. I would also advise not chatting on mobiles while walking as they will distract you and you may miss something.



I realised that in teaching my children to be obedient to adults I had to make sure they understood that it was ok to be disobedient if someone was doing something wrong or hurting them. I told them they could kick, bite, scratch, scream or anything else they wanted to try and get away.

I never used the word stranger because I knew that it is more often people you know that the danger comes.

Popperwell

valk_scot wrote: »

You don't have to scatter them or have a memorial, you know, you can just bring them home and keep them with you if you like. Then you could leave instructions in your own will to have both your and your mother's ashes scattered together, perhaps?

The relatives? I'll get round to doing something with them one day I expect, I'll know when it's right.

Both good points. It was suggested Mum liked the garden of the house here(put them here)but I think the housing association won't like that(or a neighbour that comes in afterwards)and I may need permission. Then it was suggested plant a rose tree to remember her by or a shrub. Or a plant in the house.

The problem planting something is having to leave it behind if I move and again the new neighbours may get rid or it. Then again just like buildings nothing stays the same and all of us are just passing through in the end...

Mrs_Chip

We have MiL ashes with us here too, as OH cold not face the scattering. And my lovely cat that was run over. Whe current mog goes he will be added to the collection. We will all prob all go together up in a big firework, but hopefully not for a bit yet!