TS Father - Family Split

daisiegg

heretolearn wrote: »

To look at this from a slightly different angle:

Why does your mother care so much? I can get what people are saying about shock/grief if it had been a recent relationship for her, but they divorced over 12 years ago for goodness sake. What either of them does in their lives really is nothing to do with the other one. They no longer have a direct relationship - there's a remote one from both being your parents. I think it's time for them both to just get on with their own lives and stop worrying about each other. So what if she's in shock over this. It's none of her business. And your Other Mum isn't losing anyone (in your mum) that's currently part of her life.

Your sister is a different matter and it's sad that she is causing a rift with a parent. She may well come round in time, especially if she gets to realise that life goes on as normal for you and your family and Other Mum, and she's missing out.

I'd say handle your sister with tact, but remind Mum that she divorced X over 12 years ago, so she really has no involvement in this. Of course it's great that your parents have had an amicable relationship in this time, BUT that doesn't really need to continue. I haven't had any contact with my ex husband for years - yet while our son was younger there was loads of contact and it was all very amicable. But that was for our son's sake. Once he was grown up and able to maintain his own relationship with each of us individually, there's no need for me and his dad to be 'friends' any more and our direct contact just naturally died a death. we have our own lives. If we bumped into each other I'm sure we'd be friendly enough, but he's no more to me than an old acquaintance that is no longer part of my life any more. I wouldn't give a fig what he did with his life.

Thank you! I have read this whole thread and every time someone is talking a out the mum's reaction I kept thinking 'but why does it matter, they're divorced?!' Of course as you say the sister is a different matter and it's very sad that she no longer wants a relationship with her father But it's not at all abnormal for a divorced couple to no longer have a relationship with each other so why does the mum's reaction matter so much?

Slinky

If this was my mother I know all she'd care about was 'what other people think' and how 'badly this reflected on her'. This is how it's coming across to me with your mother.

Good luck to you and your new mother.

silvercar

Seems to me that your mother feels you are supporting your new mother and not her. If she doesn't want to see her ex, she doesn't have to and maybe she feels you should support her in that decision.

Also, she is your mother, she gave birth to you and now she feels her ex is elbowing in as a replacement mother.

Could you emphasise to your mother that she is not being replaced?

Dunroamin

daisiegg wrote: »

Thank you! I have read this whole thread and every time someone is talking a out the mum's reaction I kept thinking 'but why does it matter, they're divorced?!' Of course as you say the sister is a different matter and it's very sad that she no longer wants a relationship with her father But it's not at all abnormal for a divorced couple to no longer have a relationship with each other so why does the mum's reaction matter so much?

Thank goodness, I thought it was just me!

Apart from weddings etc., surely most couples who've been divorced for 12 years don't see each other at all, much less have cosy family meals together?

Errata

I think the bottom line is that you are entitled to how you feel about the situation, and so are your mother and sister.

Mojisola

Errata wrote: »

I think the bottom line is that you are entitled to how you feel about the situation, and so are your mother and sister.

This is so important. You are respecting your other Mother's life choices but perhaps not being so understanding of your Mum's emotions.

Although your Mum has been divorced for years, this change is affecting her view of her own history. She must be going over and over the years they spent together and wondering whether any of her memories are "real" or whether she was being "conned" all that time. Allow her to grieve and come to terms - if she can - with this massive change.

Your other Mother is so lucky to have you. If your Mum and sister can't come to terms with the change, you should try to accept their feelings in the same way.

Mrs.W_2

Mojisola wrote: »

This is so important. You are respecting your other Mother's life choices but perhaps not being so understanding of your Mum's emotions.

Although your Mum has been divorced for years, this change is affecting her view of her own history. She must be going over and over the years they spent together and wondering whether any of her memories are "real" or whether she was being "conned" all that time. Allow her to grieve and come to terms - if she can - with this massive change.

Your other Mother is so lucky to have you. If your Mum and sister can't come to terms with the change, you should try to accept their feelings in the same way.

Spot on, Mojisola. Mum is acting on exactly those emotional states you suggested. She will not speak with Other Mother, and does not want to listen to the words OM gave to me explain her past verses this change in her life.

OM and I plan to write a letter together that tells Mother the life she lived with my Father was a very real and loving life. OM will go on to explain how her life has sinced moved on to her present state, and that her want for change has no bearing on the life she lived with Mother.

I think we ought to wait until after Christmas, maybe until next Spring to give Mother that letter. Mother might well need to see that life will settle down, we can all live wonderfully well within the same county, life just carries on. They'll never meet. Their lives have no interconnecting circles, us aside.

I'm hopeful that being patient will show Mother she need not be worried by OM living in the same county. I know she is worried about OM causing her embarrassment.

I quite simply hope that when we send her that letter she worries are discounted, and we give her the explanations she might need.

Errata

Why the 'we'? Surely this is something that if it's truly heartfelt should come from the person concerned if it's to be taken as an honest explanation?

Ames

I think it's a way of killing two birds with one stone. Other mother gets to explain, but Mrs.W also gets to put her side calmly, and explain that she's not taking sides or wanting to push her mother away, that she's hurting too by her sister and mother's actions.

Mrs.W, maybe your mother was worried that friends and acquaintances would see Other mother around and snigger at mother, or behind her back? Maybe as time goes on and that doesn't happen, or if it has happened it stops, she'll be able to be more accepting?

I agree with the others that they're divorced so it shouldn't really be an issue, but it's affecting your relationship with mother, so that makes it an issue.

Dunroamin

Don't most transexual women who have fathered children still refer to themselves as the father?