TS Father - Family Split

Mrs.W_2

zepsgal wrote: »

I can sympathise, my uncle is now my aunt.

I always felt sorry for my uncle. Aunt always drank a lot, noone ever called her an alcoholic but..... Well, we all knew that she was. Turns out she drank and drank to hide what she has knew for years, her husband wanted to have a sex change. When he finally admitted what he wanted to be, they got divorced, aunt and their 3 daughters have not spoken to him since, that's been over 3 years. He is now a she, she has had all the surgery etc and is loving her new life. It's sad that her family still haven't got over it, realised that their dad is still their dad, still the same person they always were, just their body has changed. She isn't allowed to see her grandchildren, my cousins have been really nasty about the whole thing, sending emails to their dad saying that he will never get to see his grandkids etc.

But that is my cousins way of dealing with things. What can you say, that's their decision to make.

I would say it's been really strange for me though. My uncle and my mum were brother and sister. My mum died when I was 3, and my uncle is about 2 years older than her. Make it really strange to see him as a woman now, makes me think 'is that what my mum would look like now if she was still alive?' I'm still not used to seeing her as a woman, but god, I can't imagine how hard it's been for him to become a her, never mind having to deal with predjudice from your own family.

Sorry, I'm rambling x

Please, ramble away!

Am so sorry your went throuigh so great a loss at so early an age. I suppose such changes do make families all the more complex.

This visit is the last in which Dad will be 'Dad, Granddad or he'.
We've yet to find all the titles and affectionate familial names. When I started the conversation about how my daughters might refer to her in her next visit, Dad (confusing, huh;)) was caught unawares. Am not sure he'd given those points any thought until that moment.

We've plenty of time to talk over any and all details that come to mind in the three weeks before he goes home.

Mrs.W_2

Thank you for your honesty, Suki. When Mum and I last spoke, one of her first rhetorical questions was, What if it was your OH? I know she was venting, and simply wanted to bring me closer to her situation.

I sincerely hope Mum can might to terms with asking Dad about his change in the not too distant future. Asking for more at this point would be foolish.

It might sound a bit daft, but my thoughts on Dad's change went round in a complete loop.

Here's my Dad. Whom I love.
He's changing in ways which makes our relationship different.
How so?
On the surface.
Grand. Because it's the person on the inside I love.

I know, I'm rambling now! But I feel a bit adrift until I can speak with Mum again.

Have to say, my OH's acceptance of Dad's transition, and his willingness to talk with Dad about the situation, has given me new reasons to love the man I married.

ETA: Our daughters are aged 2 and 9. The youngest will probably quarrel for five minutes along the lines of, 'That's not Nan. Is Granddad.' before accepting her new name, and carrying on as if the change never happened.

The eldest and I talked very gently about Granddad's changing appearence. She couldn't give two figs, as long as Nan will go pond dipping with her.

Seanymph

I really admire your understanding for your father. I think it's also important to offer that level of understanding to your mother and sister.

I totally get that it's shows better to support your father and stand against prejudice against him - it looks like you are an accepting, supportive, tolerant wonderful unprejudiced individual. But your mother isn't NOT those things.

She was courted by this man, proposed to, got married, bore his children and raised them - she went through the ending of a relationship and the changes that involves and she loved and supported you and your sister through all that whilst dealing with how she felt.

And now, to her, she's been dealt an enormous blow.

Give her time, support her to work it through - if she wants to.

And if she doesn't that's her choice. You don't have to choose sides, or support a rift, or be responsible for your sisters relationship with her father.

You only have to nurture your relationship with both of your parents and allow them both to live their lives as they choose.

amyloofoo

Seanymph wrote: »

I really admire your understanding for your father. I think it's also important to offer that level of understanding to your mother and sister.

I totally get that it's shows better to support your father and stand against prejudice against him - it looks like you are an accepting, supportive, tolerant wonderful unprejudiced individual. But your mother isn't NOT those things.

She was courted by this man, proposed to, got married, bore his children and raised them - she went through the ending of a relationship and the changes that involves and she loved and supported you and your sister through all that whilst dealing with how she felt.

And now, to her, she's been dealt an enormous blow.

Give her time, support her to work it through - if she wants to.

And if she doesn't that's her choice. You don't have to choose sides, or support a rift, or be responsible for your sisters relationship with her father.

You only have to nurture your relationship with both of your parents and allow them both to live their lives as they choose.

^^ This said everything I wanted to, thanks

Lotus-eater

Seanymph wrote: »

And if she doesn't that's her choice. You don't have to choose sides, or support a rift, or be responsible for your sisters relationship with her father.

You only have to nurture your relationship with both of your parents and allow them both to live their lives as they choose.

That's so spot on.

It must be very hard to support a TS, especially when you have been so close to one. I don't think you can appreciate it until you have been in that situation. (I haven't btw)

The pure mental torture your Mum must be going through is terrible.

Ivrytwr3

Serious question:

If a TS goes for the full transition ie surgery, are they classed as a woman/man in the eyes of the law ie in the case of man to woman:

commit a crime go to female prison
pick up your pension earlier than a man

Sorry, but i have no idea and this thread brought up some questions!

LouLou

The way I see it (and I often see TS women referred to as "He" and "Him", incredibly rude! though it can be ignorance or uncertainty that prompts that response from others), if you are conducting your life as a woman, albeit temporarily or permanently, you should be treated as one.

Not sure how the law approaches it; I assume it's the same, but it's only good manners and respectful.

Mrs.W_2

Seanymph wrote: »

I really admire your understanding for your father. I think it's also important to offer that level of understanding to your mother and sister.

I totally get that it's shows better to support your father and stand against prejudice against him - it looks like you are an accepting, supportive, tolerant wonderful unprejudiced individual. But your mother isn't NOT those things.

She was courted by this man, proposed to, got married, bore his children and raised them - she went through the ending of a relationship and the changes that involves and she loved and supported you and your sister through all that whilst dealing with how she felt.

And now, to her, she's been dealt an enormous blow.

Give her time, support her to work it through - if she wants to.

And if she doesn't that's her choice. You don't have to choose sides, or support a rift, or be responsible for your sisters relationship with her father.

You only have to nurture your relationship with both of your parents and allow them both to live their lives as they choose.

Thank you, Seanymph. The points you raised were very similar to those Mum mentioned.

Our family is so small in numbers, that my immediate reaction to Mum's phone call was shock and thinking the worst. Am calmer now. And realise that time and a great deal of understanding of the feelings of everyone concerned is the correct course.

I hope we will be able to talk about Dad's transition when Mum feels comfortable to do so. But it's not going to be me who raises the subject.

Shall phone Mum tomorrow. If she wishes to talk about how she feels, I have a better understanding of her reaction now. If not, I'll respect that too.

Gigervamp

You sound like a daughter that any parent would be proud of and I wish you all the best.

It's a tough time for you all and I hope that your mum and sister are able to eventually come round to the fact that your dad has transitioned and are able to continue their relationship with her.

Lotus-eater

Mrs.W wrote: »

Thank you, Seanymph. The points you raised were very similar to those Mum mentioned.

Our family is so small in numbers, that my immediate reaction to Mum's phone call was shock and thinking the worst. Am calmer now. And realise that time and a great deal of understanding of the feelings of everyone concerned is the correct course.

I hope we will be able to talk about Dad's transition when Mum feels comfortable to do so. But it's not going to be me who raises the subject.

Shall phone Mum tomorrow. If she wishes to talk about how she feels, I have a better understanding of her reaction now. If not, I'll respect that too.

Just give her time, as you say , she's probably going to go through many different changes of mind and mood, before she settles on a long term one.