TS Father - Family Split

Mrs.W_2

My lovely Dad is making the transition from male to female.

I'm closer to Dad than any other member of our family, so when the signs were there to see, I saw them before anyone else. Rather than tell anyone before Dad was comfortable with sharing, I waited for him to tell us about his decision.

At this point I should add that he lives over a day's journey away. He visits us twice a year, staying at my house. He and my mother divorced over twelve years ago.

Three weeks ago Dad phoned to tell us all about his transition. Or, as he put it, the 'bombshell'.

Not such a bombshell for me, but my Mum was disbelieving, she took the news as something silly he was going through. I'm quite sure she did not really take the news to heart.

Dad went through over a year of counselling before he started the hormone therapy, and is now starting to look more female than male. He told all of us these facts.

Last week Dad was feeling down. My OH went to get him (D has mobility problems) in order to stay with us for a few weeks. On Sunday we invited all our immediate family to lunch. Mum and my younger sister (an almost inseperable pair) left early.

This evening Mum phoned. She was so distraught I could not really hear what she was telling me for a couple of minutes. For those minutes I thought someone had been hurt or, heaven forbid, died.

She was trying to express her upset at Dad's transition. And then she did. She no longer wants to see Dad in his new form. My sister is following Mum's lead.

I expected disbelief, I expected a good amount of anger from Mum. Not a tearful grief-stricken response. She won't ask Dad anything about his transition. She won't speak to him.

I want to be supportive of both my parents. Any similar experiences to share for the good?

EDA: I will continue to support my Dad no matter what.

LouLou

I think that's true, (when you mention the word "died"), some do go through a mourning process for the person who no longer exists. When your dad makes the transition from male to female, he's embracing his other, true self, not the man your mum used to know. She's mourning the person he was, and maybe she wants him to stay that way?

I'm hoping it's just a knee-jerk reaction, out of shock, that's prompting your mum and sister to turn their backs on dad. If they truly love him, they will see the person.

The best example I can give, is one of my best friends, who is TV (though I know many TS women too).

I know of her male life, her family, her wife, the job she does, but at weekends and in her spare time she shops and socialises as her female self.

What I'm saying is...I see the person. Not the clothes, the makeup, not the superficial things. We're friends because of who she is, not how others may perceive her. We make each other laugh, we have wild nights out, we shop together, have lunch, we hang out.

Your dad may have to deal with some people turning their backs on him. The old saying, people fear what they don't understand. I hope your mum and sister come round.

Sending positive thoughts to you, and hope your dad isn't taking things badly at the moment. With your love and support (and he is very blessed to have you), he'll be able to embrace his new life more easily.

Maybe time will be the best healer for your mum and sister. Try to encourage them to keep in touch with dad, slow but steady (if you can get them to agree) make them see that their worst fears, whatever they may be, are unfounded. It could be fears about sexuality (TV or TS, it doesn't necessarily mean that you're gay, bi, or the other), the "bad crowd" dad may be hanging around with, about being embarrassed about people staring/gossip..?

Try to find out what it is that they're frightened of, and get them to face those fears?

duchy

Trouble is your Mum probably has a lot of feelings to work through.
Wanting a sex change has to be on one level the biggest rejection a man can give the mother of his children.

If you can support your Dad in his journey -surely you can support your Mum in encouraging her to not make any irrevocable decisions now but also accept that right now she isn't able to see him or support his decision. Over time her attitude may change but for now it's still very raw .

I can understand your sister sticking by your Mum but rather than divide into seperate camps keep the lines of communication open and see what time to process this huge change in her assumptions about your Dad -and with time may come acceptance if not unqualified approval.

For now I wouldn't try to get them to "face" anything just yet-Give them time and then gently let them realize that your Dad is still your Dad-the person even if the "accessories" are changing !

LouLou

I love your quote duchy: "I Would Rather Climb A Mountain Than Crawl Into A Hole".

I hope your dad doesn't allow this to dent his confidence. My TV friend has had many knocks to her ego, and, I'm sad to say, some in the TV/TS community allow others to get to them, dress at home and refuse to go out as their female selves. Her take on it is, it only makes her defiance stronger!

I know a post-op TS who socialises at nightclubs as "Sharon" (not her real name) but during the day goes out as her male self! Even after going through the counselling, the hormones, the operations!

Your dad, unfortunately, is going to have to develop a thick skin for what lies ahead. Not everyone is going to understand. I wish it wasn't so, but he has to be prepared for it (and I'm sure he knows this anyway).

With your love, I know he can do it. He's already made the biggest step...telling those closest to him.

Depending on where he lives, I'm sure there will be a TS support group he can go to for advice and support. http://www.gender.org.uk/wobsmatters/ is a good support service for women with transgender partners, and you might be able to get your mum to talk to them eventually (hopefully).

http://www.beaumontsociety.org.uk/ are a great organisation also.

MummyOfTwo

havent the first bit of advice, OP, but i wanted to say i think you sound a lovely supportive person, so kind and strong for your parents.

January20

You noticed the changes before everybody else so you had time to get used to the idea, to work through the implications. For your mother and sister it is completely new.

Even though they were divorced, your mother has now lost her ex-husband, the man with who she had children. Can you imagine the shock for her?

You sound like a great person. I hope you can support both your parents. I hope your mum comes round. Perhaps if you had a word with your sister?

mummybearx

I can sympathise, my uncle is now my aunt.

I always felt sorry for my uncle. Aunt always drank a lot, noone ever called her an alcoholic but..... Well, we all knew that she was. Turns out she drank and drank to hide what she has knew for years, her husband wanted to have a sex change. When he finally admitted what he wanted to be, they got divorced, aunt and their 3 daughters have not spoken to him since, that's been over 3 years. He is now a she, she has had all the surgery etc and is loving her new life. It's sad that her family still haven't got over it, realised that their dad is still their dad, still the same person they always were, just their body has changed. She isn't allowed to see her grandchildren, my cousins have been really nasty about the whole thing, sending emails to their dad saying that he will never get to see his grandkids etc.

But that is my cousins way of dealing with things. What can you say, that's their decision to make.

I would say it's been really strange for me though. My uncle and my mum were brother and sister. My mum died when I was 3, and my uncle is about 2 years older than her. Make it really strange to see him as a woman now, makes me think 'is that what my mum would look like now if she was still alive?' I'm still not used to seeing her as a woman, but god, I can't imagine how hard it's been for him to become a her, never mind having to deal with predjudice from your own family.

Sorry, I'm rambling x

BEAR

I thnk just give your mum time..she may come to terms with the idea or may never be able to..you cant change this

My lovely friend has made the transition and is now 2 years old lol..our joke. I feel so proud of her because it was sch a hard thing for her to do and she lost family and friends

We get some odd looks but this may just be the fact that I'm 5ft and she's over 6 but i just stare them down

Wishing your dad every happiness and he is blessed with a wonderful daughter:)

Mrs.W_2

From the bottom of my heart, thank you to everyone who has responded. You all raised points which I shall continue to consider and take from as we all make the adjustment to our new family dynamic.

LouLou and January20, you could not be more right; Mum is grieving fiercely.

Whenever Mum has something on her mind I'm usually the person with whom she talks things through. Right now, I'm worried about her. If she's talking with my sister over this, my sister will simply verify all her thoughts and fears without challenging her on any point.

My sister is a good woman, but it drives me up the wall that she constantly takes the 'softly, softly' approach to anyone wanting to talk on a personal level. A difficult subject/situation arises, and she acquiesces without an opinion of her own.

Hard as it is, I shall step back, give Mum time to find (hopefully) her own stance on this situation.

Another consideration is the country in which Dad lives is very anti-english. Though he's fluent in the language, not a week goes by when he doesn't hear the words "stinking english" muttered behind his back. And in transition, he's finding the insults are becoming all the more personal.

Dad is contemplating moving back to be nearer us. If this came about, I'd be overjoyed! His friend base in his current home location can be counted on one finger, and he'd be much more accepted where we live. His mobility problems are never going to improve, far from it. My OH and I always planned our next house move with a grandparent flat in mind. We thought it would be one of his parents, though a marriage to a younger lady put paid to that!

I'm biting my tongue at every turn. Much as I'd love Dad nearer us, it's his life and his decision. I'll always respect his independence. Though, we are still looking at houses that might be easily converted to include a grandparent/teenager flat.

lollipopsarah

What a lovely daughter you are, I hope both parents will realise this.
I wouldn't dream of moaning about your mum/siblings because I can't imagine what they are going through.
But then it must have been awful for your dd being trapped in a body he didn't want.
I agree that your dad will need a very thick skin because some people can/will be very rude/ignorant.
I worked with a chap who went through this a few years ago and is now a much happier lady, but even now some g*ts still about the he/she man - grrrrrrrr! I have no problem at all with her transition, I just wish that she hadn't had to wait 60 years to become her true self.
Best wishes to you all.
xx

suki1001

I'm going to be really honest here. I don't know anyone who has had a sex change and much as I understand why people do it, I think I would be absolutely devastated if it was my dad and if it was my husband I think it would tear me apart. So i think I can understand your sister and mum's reaction.

I don't mean to sound awful, i was just trying to imagine what I would feel, even though if it was a friend I would find it so much easier, there's probably something about a main masculine figure in your life suddenly not being that person. I think grieving would be the right word, it's not a dislike of someone having a sex change, it's just the fact that they don't feel like that person any more. I think it would be in the case of my husband a sort of rejection that I couldn't have made him happy. It's a very tricky one, but he's lucky you are so supportive, I think it's so difficult.