TS Father - Family Split

ragecake

Congratulations on being open and understanding.
It may take a while for your mother and sister to understand, but even if they dont, make sure it's known that you are there for your new Mother.

If you ever need advise and help in the TG community, Im your woman.

Mrs.W_2

Slight Update....

In accord with Other Mother's wishes, she, OH and I found a sheltered accommodation flat, in a near by village, that she can afford. In a weeks' time she ought to be moving in. I can't tell you how great a feeling it is to have her living near us again.

My Mum's reaction to the news was rather awful. Over the phone, Mum asked me to tell Other Mother that she wanted nothing to do with her or her life, and that she was not welcome to visit Mum's home or place of business.

I refused. And told Mum that if she wanted to deliver that kind of news she'd have to tell Other Mother herself.

She did not want to do that.

Two days ago, my sister (who lives with my mother) texted me out of the blue. She's never texted me before. She asked to visit us that evening. She never normally does that without Mum. As it happened, we could not make it home for the time my sister wanted to visit. I texted her to say I'd visit her at her home at a later time. (Another first!:D)

I put the kidlets to bed (Other Mother was at home to look after them) and drove to Mum's house to see what my sister wanted.

She'd wanted to visit us, deliver a note from Mum, then scarper! I was asked to take that note back with me. It told my Other Mother she was no longer welcome in their lives, and she cannot visit their home or Mum's business premises.

Mum gave me the note to take back with me. I left thinking something I've never thought of my Mum; that she was being a coward.

That night I told Other Mother about my Mum and sister's wishes before handing her the note. She gave me the note to read. It was to the point and brutal.

Right now I am trying my best not to be angry with my Mum and sister. But it seems they wanted to have that 'write off' note handed over without being around to face the consequences. And they managed to it.

Other Mother is handling the situation, on the surface, rather well. We've cried and talked about the situation, but I know she's still deeply hurt by my sister's rejection.

Other mother and my immediate family will go forward, very happily.
We've booked a family holiday in 2013 and looking furthur into the future.

We'll live happily even if we're doing it in spite.

suki1001

How awful for you and other mother. How sad that they're behaving that way.

Your other mum is lucky to have such a supportive daughter (and oh). Well done for not doing your mum's dirty work.

The crazy thing is it's very short sighted to announce you never want to speak to someone again.

My ex-stepmum told me my dad would never speak to me again - she was wrong.

Even though family relations are horrendous, life has a funny way of turning after time.

Yorkie1

How sad for all sides.

I hope that you manage to work a way through this - it must be hard, being expected by your mum / sister to remain in their lives yet they are being so hurt (which is leading to discrimination against your Other Mum).

Mrs.W_2

suki1001 wrote: »

The crazy thing is it's very short sighted to announce you never want to speak to someone again.

My ex-stepmum told me my dad would never speak to me again - she was wrong.

Even though family relations are horrendous, life has a funny way of turning after time.

Gosh, I dearly hope you are right, Suki!

My mum has been on the phone, in tears, telling me she's not sure how she can cope with Other Mother moving to live near us. Apparently, she's no idea how she'll be able to live in comfort with that. Plus, how will she get to see my daughters "When there's ....*heaving sob*.... there!" She can't even say the word 'Dad' or her name now.

That's a bit of a constructed silliness. She's never been that interested in her grand kids before. During this year my mum's seen her grandchildren four times. Twice she's accepted invitations to lunch at ours, twice we went to visit her at home(to deliver birthday presents). Our invitations are often scotched, and we're not always welcome when we suggest a visit. Mum never wants to do the school play/festival/choir recital thing, so I'm not really sure what she's worrying about.

If there are any school events Mum really wants to attend, Other Mother would be more than happy to attend on another day.

Sorry, but Mum is only sorry for what she might not be a part of, now she knows someone else might be more interested.

OK, I've vented. And I promise never to bore you all to such an extent again!

(Sorry.)

Mrs.W_2

Another Update

I have to thank all the contributors to this thread. Their advice has helped a great deal.

My Mum has been unmovable in her no contact, no mention rules regards my (trans-gender father) Other Mother.

Our invitations to Mum and sister are still being passed over. But the girls and I were welcome to drive up to see Mum on her Birthday in early November, our first accepted visit in over two months.

Mum and my sister have yet to accept a Sunday lunch/any occasion invite to ours since they had me serve Other Mother their bad news.

Part of their reticence might be about facing my OH. He never minces words, and he's not best pleased with their attitude towards Other Mother!

All that aside, Other Mother is happy with her move down south. She feels very comfortable in her new flat - there's a tremedous community in her complex!

To give her a change of scene, not to mention the fact she's welcome and her presence is loved, every weekend when my OH is working in Scotland she stays with us.

My daughters adore their Nan.

I simply love having her here in our lives.

amyloofoo

Mrs.W wrote: »

Another Update

I have to thank all the contributors to this thread. Their advice has helped a great deal.

My Mum has been unmovable in her no contact, no mention rules regards my (trans-gender father) Other Mother.

Our invitations to Mum and sister are still being passed over. But the girls and I were welcome to drive up to see Mum on her Birthday in early November, our first accepted visit in over two months.

Mum and my sister have yet to accept a Sunday lunch/any occasion invite to ours since they had me serve Other Mother their bad news.

Part of their reticence might be about facing my OH. He never minces words, and he's not best pleased with their attitude towards Other Mother!

All that aside, Other Mother is happy with her move down south. She feels very comfortable in her new flat - there's a tremedous community in her complex!

To give her a change of scene, not to mention the fact she's welcome and her presence is loved, every weekend when my OH is working in Scotland she stays with us.

My daughters adore their Nan.

I simply love having her here in our lives.

I'm really sorry that things are taking so long to improve between you and your Mum, but hopefully the birthday visit is a sign of things to come. It must have really hurt to be used by your Mum and sister in delivering a spiteful note, but hopefully they'll think better of the situation once they see it's not a 'phase'. Living well is the best revenge, and it seems that you and your Other Mother are taking that advice to heart

It's really heartening to hear of your continued relationship with your Other Mother, you, your OH and kiddies have reacted and adapted so well, and I'm sure your OM appreciates the love and support It must be lovely to have OM living close to you again - hope things continue to get better for all of you :grouphug:

System

You Other Mother is so very lucky to have you, its wonderful that she is so welcomed and loved by you and OH and kids.

Its a shame that your mum is being like she is That can't be easy on your Other Mother or you, especially with you being stuck in the middle. But if she carries on the way she does than only you can decide whether you still want her in your life. I hope things continue to get better and wish you the best

Fire_Fox

Thank you for updating and dodgy :grouphug: to you and Other Mother.

heretolearn_2

To look at this from a slightly different angle:

Why does your mother care so much? I can get what people are saying about shock/grief if it had been a recent relationship for her, but they divorced over 12 years ago for goodness sake. What either of them does in their lives really is nothing to do with the other one. They no longer have a direct relationship - there's a remote one from both being your parents. I think it's time for them both to just get on with their own lives and stop worrying about each other. So what if she's in shock over this. It's none of her business. And your Other Mum isn't losing anyone (in your mum) that's currently part of her life.

Your sister is a different matter and it's sad that she is causing a rift with a parent. She may well come round in time, especially if she gets to realise that life goes on as normal for you and your family and Other Mum, and she's missing out.

I'd say handle your sister with tact, but remind Mum that she divorced X over 12 years ago, so she really has no involvement in this. Of course it's great that your parents have had an amicable relationship in this time, BUT that doesn't really need to continue. I haven't had any contact with my ex husband for years - yet while our son was younger there was loads of contact and it was all very amicable. But that was for our son's sake. Once he was grown up and able to maintain his own relationship with each of us individually, there's no need for me and his dad to be 'friends' any more and our direct contact just naturally died a death. we have our own lives. If we bumped into each other I'm sure we'd be friendly enough, but he's no more to me than an old acquaintance that is no longer part of my life any more. I wouldn't give a fig what he did with his life.