should i put one of my sons in care?

Scarlett1

shazrobo wrote: »

need some advice please. I have brought up my twin sons alone for the last 11 years with no support or help from my ex husband.
Both boys are a real handful, they have attention defecit hyperactivity disorder as well as oppositional defiant disorder. both lads take a lot of medication, to try and control there tempers/ behavious.
anyway they are always fighting and can be extremely violent. one is at a special school, unfortunatly there was no place for the other so he went to a mainstream high school, and was eventually permanently excluded. after seeing their pychiatrist today and explaining how bad they were getting, he has suggested the best solution would be to seperate them, ie. one going into care.
i'm at my wits end and dont know what to do, i cant cope with things as they are at the mo, but equally i dont think i could face putting one of my sons in care.
i have no family to give me help or support, and my friends cant help out too, as they have kids of there own
thanks for reading, any advice will be gratefully received

try not to put one of your boys in care, do as bossyboots said and contact social services for help, what you have to remember aswell that underneath they are 11 year old boys and will do what 11 year old boys do and that does include fighting , good luck x

lisa_cee

hi my sisters stepson has adhd he goes to resbite not sure how often but i think theres a carer that takes him out on day trips and the resbite is overnight for one or 2 nights !
it might be that putting one into care would make the other one play up more and would you regret it ? so i'd sit down and have a think beofre making such a big decision !

see if theres more help available for you x

mishmash

Hi
I am really shocked that a child care proffessional has said this. The outcomes for children in the care system are very poor. They are more than the average likely to be involved in drugs and offending, have less than avarage academic attainment and such problems can follow them through into their adult life.
I'm not sure how you would choose which twin to put in care, but feel quite sure both would be harmed by this.The twin in care would struggle with the apparent rejection, and the one at home would think when will it be me. Children ( even challenging ones) need secure attatchments to their carers.

I understand that caring for your children with their difficulties must be really hard for you, and I reccomend you contact your local social services and ask for respite provision. I would also want to have a meeting with all agencies involved to see who can do what . It is unbeleivable that 1 twin gets an educational place and the other does not if they both need it.

I would spend some time reading up on the responsabilities to your children of the services and who could be doing more. If this proffessional feels you children are so challenging what are they doing, Are the boys statemented?

ASk this proffessional to arrange a multi agency child focussed meeting in respect of your children, where health, education and social services can attend and look at support for the boys and help for you.

I know I may sound very harsh, but having spent many years working with kids who have been abandoned by their parents to the care system. I do feel it is important that parents fullfill their responsability to thier children.

I know you are in difficult circumstances and that you are struggling, Many parents are but ultimatley you are legally and morally responsable for your children. Push for more support and exhaust all possibilities before placing a child in the care system.

Mish

absolutebounder

Think of the Kid What message are you giving him if you put him in care with a load of other unwanted kids. kids learn faster than adults especially from each other.
Send him to brat camp instead

findingmyownway

Have you had advice about the benefits of a healthy diet and regular exercise?

I appreciate that this isn't a 'cure' but i often see great improvements in 'ADHD' kids if these issues are addressed.

Morglin

Contact your local Social Services and speak to someone.

They will be able to at least point you in the right direction.

Lin

Nicki

Do you think the Psych meant this as a real suggestion or could he have been using it as a therapeutic tool? Sometimes a Psych will say something completely outrageous like this to bring home to you your true feelings about the child. which may be masked by your symptoms. I had really bad PND and I recall it once being suggested that I put my child up for adoption but this wasn't as it turned out a real suggestion, just a way of bringing home to me that despite how ill I was, and how badly I felt about the baby, that I did in fact love them and would move heaven and earth to keep them.

Just a thought.

Carmina_Piranha_3

is the one is special school doing okay there? he's not been expelled or suspended? could your other son get a place there do you think, and if he did would he be able to spend some time separate to his twin or is it just one class for his age group? there may not have been a place for him to start with but perhaps somebody has moved and another place is available now? you've probably already tried that, sorry.

do they share a bedroom? if so are you in a council house and will you get any help with getting to the top of the list for a transfer if social services help out?

i don't know anything about social services/respite/etc. but just wanted to send a hug - this is a really difficult time and i'm sorry you don't have family to help out. i hope social services can offer some practical help! i saw them when my boy had developmental delay and was being assessed for ADHD (he doesn't have it though) and they paid for him to go into nursery to help with social skills so he got part time nursery when he was 2 instead of 3. you don't have to have PND or be suspected of not coping - they can sometimes give practical help, they're not just there for the children who get taken into care.

i hope things get better for you *HUGS*

patchwork_cat

I agree with mishmash. That a psychatrist should say that is shocking.

For a start I would recommend another psychiatrist. What about a boarding school - is there not an obligation for the LA to help.

IMHO care is not the answer. A boarding school would be drastic enough.

bestpud

You sound at the end of your tether - I really feel for you and hope you can get something sorted. I too think the care system would be disastrous for whichever boy ended up in it, and probably for you too.

I'm assuming the psychiatrist you saw is for the boys and not you?

You need some support yourself by the sound of it. Have you spoken to your GP about your own health, as you may be able to get more help from that angle?

Bestpud