Splitting up with a partner...

January20

So, just to be clear, because I feel you are really avoiding telling us, have you given him a month or have you split up with him for good?

Would it be better to stay with him out of pity, unable to love him, and possibly denying him the chance somebody who will really love him?

You feel horrible now? How would you feel, a few years down the line, with kids in tow?

I had a lot of sympathy for you at the beginning of this thread, now I think you are being too much of a coward, too self-centred on what you are feeling ie horrible and guilty, when really if you don't love this guy and want out, do it and don't prolong HIS agony with false hope and promises!

bargainbird

Woah....not quite sure i like your post jan20.....
What Bramble has done is up to her.....she shouldn't feel that she should report to you.....
Have you ever been in that situation......
I don't think she is a coward/self centred at all its a very hard hill to climb to see what you are putting someone through and a s she is not leaving the home she cannot just walk out....
Hopefully it won't come to the point where you are forcing him out and he will leave when he realises you mean what you say.
Roll on your week away.

Speak soon Brambly x

Pollycat

As Brambly has shared her angst with us about breaking up, it would be interesting to know what the current situation is e.g. has she agreed to that extra month or is she staying strong on ending it now? Have they agreed when he will move out? etc etc

bargainbird

oh right.....I thought she'd just asked for advice

January20

bargainbird wrote: »

Woah....not quite sure i like your post jan20..... I didn't mean it to be nasty but she has asked for opinions
What Bramble has done is up to her.....she shouldn't feel that she should report to you.....Of course it is up to her but if she is going to report on what has gone on, and is expecting helps and support from us, then I feel I'm allowed to ask. Whether she wants to tell us or not is her choice.
Have you ever been in that situation......Yes
I don't think she is a coward/self centred at all its a very hard hill to climb to see what you are putting someone through and a s she is not leaving the home she cannot just walk out....I feel she is self-centred because she is going on and on about horrible she is feeling. What about him? What about doing the right thing for him, regardless of how crap she is feeling?
Hopefully it won't come to the point where you are forcing him out and he will leave when he realises you mean what you say.
Roll on your week away.

Speak soon Brambly x

He won't leave because he will refuse to understand it is over until she really makes him. Giving him more time is giving him more (false) hope. He couldn't behave nicely to Bramble for more than a day (see first post I think). Why give him a month? Especially if there is no love?

She doesn't have to force him out. She could leave and if he can't afford the place he could move, or get a lodger. He is an adult. She is not responsible for him.

YoungBaker

January20 wrote: »

He won't leave because he will refuse to understand it is over until she really makes him. Giving him more time is giving him more (false) hope. He couldn't behave nicely to Bramble for more than a day (see first post I think). Why give him a month? Especially if there is no love?

She doesn't have to force him out. She could leave and if he can't afford the place he could move, or get a lodger. He is an adult. She is not responsible for him.

Maybe because this actually is someones live and a serious relationship? I think you forget the fact on this forum you do only hear one side of a story - fine we know the guy was a douche and didn't support her, then begged and cried for her to stay and a day later was back to his old ways. Fine - but you wern't there, you don't know everything thats going on in their lives as a couple, how they are in general, external factors influencing their live, work stresses etc. so I find it ridiculous you could so easily dismiss their relationship and basically just coerce her into throwing it all away without a moments thought.

Obviously if she 100% has thought this through to the fullest degree and definitely does not want to be with him, I agree, it is better for everyone in the long run if she stops feeling sorry for herself and gets on with it, cuts him off and is done with it as cruel as it may be.

However, the fact of the matter is we do not actually know if she is or not, and therefore you should respect the fact that the OP is entitled to a bit of time to actually decide herself whether there could be any final chances to iron things out before throwing everything away.

Sometimes I think people on here forget some of the problems people are posting up are actually real life relationships and issues that go a lot wider than badgering someone to chuck away their marriage or whatever on an online forum, and the consequences are in fact much wider.

Pollycat

Allan_r_123 wrote: »

Maybe because this actually is someones live and a serious relationship? I think you forget the fact on this forum you do only hear one side of a story - fine we know the guy was a douche and didn't support her, then begged and cried for her to stay and a day later was back to his old ways. Fine - but you wern't there, you don't know everything thats going on in their lives as a couple, how they are in general, external factors influencing their live, work stresses etc. so I find it ridiculous you could so easily dismiss their relationship and basically just coerce her into throwing it all away without a moments thought.

I think you are contradicting yourself here.
You say (quite rightly imho) that we are only hearing one side of the story - but then go on to say "we know the guy was a douche and didn't support her" but we don't actually know that, do we?
We only know that the OP has told us that - that's her side of a 2 sided story.

January20 isn't dismissing the OP's relationship.
The OP has decided that it's over.

January20 isn't coercing the OP to "throw it all away without a moment's thought".
The OP has decided - and has said she has not taken that decision lightly so I can't see where your comments about a moment's notice comes from.

bramble1 wrote: »

I have come to the desicion that I no longer love my fiancee and am struggling to actually end it with him.

It's not a desicion I've made lightly, I just no longer have feelings for him, I can't see a future with him and just think I need to be on my own to focus on my life.

Allan_r_123 wrote: »

However, the fact of the matter is we do not actually know if she is or not, and therefore you should respect the fact that the OP is entitled to a bit of time to actually decide herself whether there could be any final chances to iron things out before throwing everything away.

As above, she seems pretty definite that she wants to end the relationship.
She doesn't seem to want to iron things out.

Allan_r_123 wrote: »

Sometimes I think people on here forget some of the problems people are posting up are actually real life relationships and issues that go a lot wider than badgering someone to chuck away their marriage or whatever on an online forum, and the consequences are in fact much wider.

January20 is not badgering the OP to chuck away her marriage (or relationship).
The OP has come to that decision herself.

I personally think January20 is right when saying that if it's over, it's over and to give the guy false hope by agreeing to see how things are in a month is cruel.

bramble1

January20 wrote: »

So, just to be clear, because I feel you are really avoiding telling us, have you given him a month or have you split up with him for good?

Would it be better to stay with him out of pity, unable to love him, and possibly denying him the chance somebody who will really love him?

You feel horrible now? How would you feel, a few years down the line, with kids in tow?

I had a lot of sympathy for you at the beginning of this thread, now I think you are being too much of a coward, too self-centred on what you are feeling ie horrible and guilty, when really if you don't love this guy and want out, do it and don't prolong HIS agony with false hope and promises!

I've not given him a month, he's going back to his mums house tonight, we are going to talk in two weeks when i've returned from my holiday.

I've told him I don't love him and it wouldn't be fair to let him think there could be chance of a reconciliation because if i don't love him I can't force myself to.

I've had months to get used to the idea and he's had it dumped on him in 24 hours, but I think we'll both be okay.

January20

bramble1 wrote: »

I've not given him a month, he's going back to his mums house tonight, we are going to talk in two weeks when i've returned from my holiday.

I've told him I don't love him and it wouldn't be fair to let him think there could be chance of a reconciliation because if i don't love him I can't force myself to.

I've had months to get used to the idea and he's had it dumped on him in 24 hours, but I think we'll both be okay.

Bramble, thank you for this update. I know you didn't have to do it and I didn't have any right to expect it. Thank you also for not thinking I was trying to upset you, or coerce you into anything (lol I hope I don't have the power!)

You are totally right in your last sentence, about having time to get used to the idea. I had not taken that fact into consideration. I hope and do believe, in fact, that you will be ok! I wish you well!

Pollycat, thank you very much for your post and saving me having to explain myself! You've obviously understood the tone and meaning of my posts perfectly!

Allan_r_123, I never forget that issues on here are real, which is why I will only posts in threads where I can help or I have something which I consider valuable to say. It's also a reason why I read people's posts very carefully, sometimes a couple of times or more if it's badly written/ punctuated. And of course we only get one side of the story! Of course! I wish people would stop using that argument when they don't agree with somebody! It's the nature of these types of forums!

rachel6188

I hope you ok Bramble. Its always hard to end a relationship, but you are doing the right thing for you. I hope your ok. Hugs Rach x