TTC without support of some family members.

GingerBiscuit_3

Hi everyone,

I'm in a bit of an awkward situation at the moment with family and am not too sure how to resolve it. Sorry, this is a bit of a long one!

I'm 20 years old and in a very stable relationship with my 26 year old fiance. We are reasonably stable financially- we both work full time earning £13,000 pa and £15,750 pa respectively, and we own our own home.

I suffer from a gynaecological condition called endometriosis and have been told that I am likely to have some problems conceiving. I am in a significant amount of pain day to day, and so far, none of my treatment has helped with this. My fiance and I have been discussing trying for a baby for quite some time now, as we'd love to become parents. We had hoped to be earning a bit more money before TTC, but due to the fertility side of things have decided to start trying now.

We have spoken to both my GP and a gynae consultant who have just advised to go for it, and have expressed hope that having a child is quite likely to improve my condition. However, on discussing this with my side of the family, they seem to be quite split in terms of opinion.

My Mum is being very supportive. She had some problems conceiving herself and suffered a miscarriage before getting pregnant with me, so I think she somewhat knows how I feel. I am slightly overweight, and she is being encouraging in terms of helping me to lose weight. My grandparents have also been supportive and have had nothing negative to say.

On the other hand, my Dad has had nothing but negative comments on the situation. His sister is a midwife and has told him a lot of horror stories about overweight pregnant women and diabetes etc, and has also told him that having a baby might not even help my condition. He has really taken all of her comments to heart, and is refusing to even listen to what I have to say. I've tried explaining that the doctors think it is the best thing for me, but he just thinks that I'm going to make my health worse. He has said that he thinks I should lose the weight first before TTC. I have explained that it is likely that it will take me a long time to get pregnant, and that I would rather start trying immediately, and to lose weight along the way.

He has now also started talking about money situations, asking what would happen if one of us lost our job, and even talking about what we would do if our mortgage rates went up (this is fixed for the next 2 years)! We have discussed this as a couple, and we know that we can manage our money. I just feel that now my Dad is looking for any excuse to try and change our minds. He has told me today that it is causing arguments between him and my Mum, and that he wouldn't be surprised if they split up over this. I feel so bad for my Mum, because she has dealt with so much recently. As well as my health issues, she has had to cope with my Dad's own health issues as well as caring for my Great-Gran whilst she has recovered from a hip operation.

My Great-Gran is also apparently against the idea, although I haven't seen her myself. She thinks that we should be out travelling the world enjoying ourselves. To be honest, I went out a lot when I was younger and got everything out of my system then. I don't drink alcohol, I don't like clubbing and would much rather just settle down. I have always been a very maternal and homely person and prefer to do things like volunteering in my local area for fun. My fiance is much the same.

I understand that everyone is entitled to their own opinion, and I have listened to everyone's viewpoint, but surely they should also respect our decision and be supportive? I'm now at a loss of how to resolve this rift between us, as my Dad and I are now barely speaking. Nothing he can say will change my mind; this is something that my fiance and I want to do, because we want a child, and to hopefully help improve my health as well. I would just much rather have his blessing and support.

rita-rabbit

Families eh!? I haven't got a clue - started a counselling course recently & issues that `came up' about mine have me putting the breaks on the studies & getting counselling to work through my family issues!

GobbledyGook

I would tell your Dad you've taken all his opinions on board and you'll give the whole situation a great deal of thought...

Then I'd say no more about it and not discuss it anymore and do what you want to do.

Person_one

Surely TTC for you boils down to 'having lots of sex'.

Honestly, is that something you want your dad's support and encouragement for?

Im sure when you announce a pregnancy he'll go into supportive dad/new granddad mode and it will be fine, but for now why does he need to involved or informed? It really sounds like he's just worried about you, you're still very young after all and the thought of his baby having a baby is probably very alarming to him!

skintchick

It's got nothing to do with anyone else. Tell your dad you're sorry he can't support you but it is your decision and you are happy with it.

Your mistake has been to give people the impression you are asking for their permission instead of just telling them what you're doing. Although I find it slightly odd to tell everyone you are TTC anyway.

beautiful_ravens

What a dilema! You seem so sensible too. I think youre just going to have to get on with your lives as best you can, and try and work these family issues out along the way. It is YOUR life after all, not theirs. I appreciate that 100% support would be good, but thats not always possible. I managed 3 pregnancies and cant really remember anyone who was actively supportive, and you have more support than that, so go for it in your own way and maybe they will come around to the idea. Perhaps talk to them a bit less about it instead of arguments all the time.

newbutold

GobbledyGook wrote: »

I would tell your Dad you've taken all his opinions on board and you'll give the whole situation a great deal of thought...

Then I'd say no more about it and not discuss it anymore and do what you want to do.

I agree with this advice too.

I must say thought, I never told my family when I was TTC, once I was pregnant I told them but not before.

Ultimately although young you seem to be sensible and have thought this through. Good luck.

balletshoes

there is a difference between expressing and respecting another person's opinion, and supporting that opinion.

For whatever reason, your Dad doesn't feel he can support you in your decision. And thats fair enough. So you don't discuss this with him anymore, and if its causing a rift between your mum and dad, maybe your mum shouldn't discuss this with your dad either. She can still support you and be there for you. Maybe your dad will have a change of heart in his own time.

GingerBiscuit_3

Person_one wrote: »

Surely TTC for you boils down to 'having lots of sex'.

Honestly, is that something you want your dad's support and encouragement for?

Im sure when you announce a pregnancy he'll go into supportive dad/new granddad mode and it will be fine, but for now why does he need to involved or informed?

To be honest, it's the emotional support I wanted from him. I know it's likely to take me a while so I don't want to get my hopes up, but at the same time don't want to feel like giving up completely. He isn't biologically my Dad, and he's never been able to have children of his own, so I had expected him to be a bit more supportive.

Tish_P

I think the important thing is you want a child. You don't need to have cast iron reasons as to why, just a reasonable expectation of being able to give it a good life. Pregnancy may or may not improve your health but don't use that as a reason.

It sounds as if your dad is having trouble understanding that you are a grown up - your weight is absolutely none of his business, for a start, and while he naturally cares about you, your health decisions are your own. And blaming you for his rows with your mum is beyond ridiculous. Tell him you will talk to him again when he's being reasonable, and cut back on contact for a while.

ikkle87

I don't think your dad purposefully means to make you feel crap hun, it's a dad thing, they like to protect their children and he's worried that your going to make yourself poorlier. My step dad is the same with me, he refuses to be positive about my pregnancy because he feels there is still chance for things to go wrong because of health problems I have. Plus I don't think men like thinking of their girls as being grown up.

My advice to you would be to tell your dad that you've taken into account what he has said and you appreciate his looking out for you, and your going to try and get yourself healthy ready but that if you fall pregnant in the mean time you won't be sorry. Then just get on with it x