Ex wife

POPPYOSCAR

daisiegg wrote: »

Why? I am marrying my OH next year and have never met his daughter's mum (they weren't married) and I expect the first time I do will be at the daughter's wedding or graduation, if either of those things ever happen. And this is without the whole cheating issue - they had been split up for 6 years before he even met me. Is it that strange?

Yes I do find it strange over 20 years, but I suppose it depends on how involved you are as a couple in the childrens' lives.

I am a step-mother myself, I have met their mother on several occasions. When they were younger, at school concerts etc. and even just on collecting them for access. I have also spoken to her on the phone when she has rung to speak to their father.

One of them also had a 21st birthday party which I met her at, and now there are times when we are in the same place such as birthday parties for the grandchildren.

daisiegg

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

Yes I do find it strange over 20 years, but I suppose it depends on how involved you are as a couple in the childrens' lives.

I am a step-mother myself, I have met their mother on several occasions. When they were younger, at school concerts etc. and even just on collecting them for access. I have also spoken to her on the phone when she has rung to speak to their father.

One of them also had a 21st birthday party which I met her at, and now there are times when we are in the same place such as birthday parties for the grandchildren.

My OH sees his daughter two weekends a month, often I go too (she and her mum live on the other side of the country). She stays with us during school holidays and we take her abroad once a year. To be honest I find it slightly strange that I've never met her mum (I sit in the car when we pick stepdaughter up and am not invited in even if she's taking ages to get ready and I'm left out there on my own for 40 mins plus). But I won't rock the boat by pushing to meet someone who apparently has no desire to meet me...and that's the advice I'd give the OP. particularly when a wedding is involved! Go, be polite and charming but hold back in the background slightly so as not to be seen to be trying to usurp the mother's place...if she is In a situation where she needs to speak to the ex, be impeccably polite and stick to safe topics like how beautiful the wedding is...

POPPYOSCAR

daisiegg wrote: »

My OH sees his daughter two weekends a month, often I go too (she and her mum live on the other side of the country). She stays with us during school holidays and we take her abroad once a year. To be honest I find it slightly strange that I've never met her mum (I sit in the car when we pick stepdaughter up and am not invited in even if she's taking ages to get ready and I'm left out there on my own for 40 mins plus). But I won't rock the boat by pushing to meet someone who apparently has no desire to meet me...and that's the advice I'd give the OP. particularly when a wedding is involved! Go, be polite and charming but hold back in the background slightly so as not to be seen to be trying to usurp the mother's place...if she is In a situation where she needs to speak to the ex, be impeccably polite and stick to safe topics like how beautiful the wedding is...

Now if you turn it around the other way.

I am a mother and I would want to meet the person my daughter is going to stay with and go abroad with.

I agree I would not be pushing to meet before the wedding if I were the OP, especially after all these years.

daisiegg

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

Now if you turn it around the other way.

I am a mother and I would want to meet the person my daughter is going to stay with and go abroad with.

I agree! Heck i'm the one who buys the birthday and christmas and mother's day presents for the mum. I took stepdaughter shopping for her prom dress etc etc, so it's not like I'm not involved - I love her dearly. But never mind. I think even though they've been split up for 10 years the mum is still bitter (there was no cheating or anything when they split up, I hasten to add). Poor stepdaughter begged my OH not to tell her mum about me when we first got together as she thought her mum would 'freak out'. He did tell her of course and she got very nasty for a while.

Anyway sorry for derailing the thread!!

pulliptears

barbarawright wrote: »

Am I missing something here? Why the AE?

Why not if its something OP is concerned about? Perhaps OP is a well known poster who doesn't want the world and his wife knowing full details of her personal life. Perhaps her OH reads this forum.
Who cares? Makes no difference to the issue does it?

Wickedkitten

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

I find it quite incredible that you have never had any contact with her in 20 years when there are children involved.

I'm wondering if instead of the OH's husband being afraid of her, he's afraid of something that she might end up saying if those two end up talking

cheepskate_2

O.P I would not worry about the ex making a scene, in all probability, she will pity you more than hate.

Yes in the begginning she probably hated you , as you were having an affair with her husband. BUT when she chucked him out, you took him in knowing the only reason(at that time ) that he came to you was because the wife did not want him. And then for 20 years, he's never shown you off/ introduced you.....

This is a huge powerfull position to be in, from the ex's pov.

I'm sure its nice to think that the ex is a dragon and the hubby is a bit scared of her, but maybe, just maybe his feelings arnt as clear cut as you would like them to be(being prematurely booted out), thats why you have never been introduced.

If she wanted to cause a scene, im sure she could have in the 20 years beforehand.

Go to the wedding , and keep a low profile

poet123

Goodness, there are quite a few veiled barbed comments in that post Cheepskate!

lostinrates

If your relationship with the step child is strong, as it sounds to be, i would talk to them, and explain in tact ful terms, that you wonder if it would be easier for their mother to have met you before the wedding, so that the meeting is not on a day where you will all be emptionally charged and excited for the bridge and groom. I would say that i would be lead by their decision on the subject.

I think it amazing that in so long you have not spoken to the ex on the phone, even if it were just calling the kids when they were with you overnioght or similar.

barbarawright

pulliptears wrote: »

Why not if its something OP is concerned about? Perhaps OP is a well known poster who doesn't want the world and his wife knowing full details of her personal life. Perhaps her OH reads this forum.
Who cares? Makes no difference to the issue does it?

A well-known poster who posts under her real name? I just have no idea why so many people feel the need to create AEs. And of course we don't know if it makes a difference to this issue...