Ex wife

bossymoo

Hi

My parents divorced when my dad had an affair. He then married the woman he cheated with. She was our neighbour so obviously knew he had a family.

When I got married, I told everyone in no uncertain terms they will all be civil (mum known for spiteful comments) or they will be asked to leave. And if they put me in that position on my wedding day, there will be serious consequences in our future relationships.

For one reason or another they all behaved ;-)

I see no reason to meet her. Go, if you are invited. Smile, be pleasant, and if she is nasty, just ignore and rise above. You have nothing to be ashamed of. That's your oh's department.

Gigglepig

If I'd had an affair with a man and then found out he was married, I think I would have wanted to apologise to his wife and to make it crystal clear to her and the (adult) children that I did not know. But I don't think a wedding 20+ years down the line is a the time and place.

711

Thanks for all the comments everyone. I am definately invited to the wedding and we're all going to be sat on the top table - I did suggest this might not be such a good idea but it's what the bride and groom want.

poet123

I don't think there is enough info here to advise you either way. I would say it depends on why you have never met in 20 years despite there being children in the equation. I would say it depends on what the child who is marrying thinks about the issue and whether they can give you any info about how their mother will view the issue.

GobbledyGook

I think if you are going to be sat on the Top Table either one of two things is going on - it's been 20 years and the ex wife has no interest in you one way or the other (with the greatest respect) or she has absolutely no interest in meeting/knowing you and is intending to be civil while she has to for her child.

Either way meeting beforehand may just make things worse. On the day of the wedding she'll be so busy, probably you all will, that you'll be in the same place, at the same table, in the same photos, but will actually spend little time actively in each others company.

Given the fact you'll be on the top table then your step-child has obviously found a way of dealing with things that works - I definately wouldn't risk that by trying to insist on any sort of meeting. It may just make things even more awkward.

pimento

HeatherintheHills wrote: »

In all honesty, I find it odd that your husband has kept you and his ex apart for 20 years. You may find that he has told you both different things and he is concerned that he will be found out if you meet.

Yes, this is what occurred to me when I read the OP.

711

pimento wrote: »

Yes, this is what occurred to me when I read the OP.

I can see why people would think this strange, but we've never lived in the same city as each other.

FBaby

I would have thought if it's been agreed that you'll be sitting on the same table already that the matter was previously discussed with the mother and she confirmed that she didn't mind. It would be surprising that the groom/bride had insisted on it if his/her mother has expressed extreme unhappiness about it.

marywooyeah

If I were you I just wouldn't go - it doesnt matter how long ago it was all the family are going to know about it and do you want to spend the day with pointing and whispering - think how the bride and groom would feel to have their wedding possibly overshadowed by any issues relating to you and the ex wife. It's only one day and your partner's son or daughter (sorry can't remember which) will understand.

Bambam

You don't say if you or your OH have regular contact with his children; (I'll assume you do as you have said you're all sitting on the top table.) I'm sure his children have kept their mum informed as to what you're like and may even have shown her photographs.

I get the feeling that maybe you are a little curious, after 20 years together, as to what his first wife is like. What is to be gained from meeting her beforehand? If she wants to 'kick off' at the wedding (which I doubt ), be the bigger person and just let her have her say - your OH did, after all, leave her for you.

Enjoy your step-daughter's wedding