Ex wife

711

I post on here regularly but am using a different username for reasons that will be clear.

To cut a long story short, I met my OH approx 20 yrs ago whilst he was working away from home. A few months into our relationship he turned up on my doorstep with a suitcase. Turns out he was married with kids (he'd neglected to tell me), his wife had found out about our relationship and had chucked him out. We've been together ever since and are now married, but no kids of our own.

I have never had any contact with his ex-wife, she is now remarried, but OH and ex still row about things (kids mainly, although they're now grown up). Anyway, one of the kids is getting married so obviously we will all be at the wedding, and meeting for the first time.

I feel it would be better if myself and ex-wife had some contact before the wedding, but OH it very much against this and wants to keep us as far apart as possible (I think he's a bit afraid of her).

Would welcome people's opinion on the situation, but fully expecting to be slated for the circumstances under which we met.

Thanks
711

tealady

Hi
I would suggest that you not meet up, after all it's only one day and you don't intend to have any further contact (do you?).
Do remember however that the parents (ie your OH and his ex) may be sat at the top table in the reception and front pew if it's a church wedding, you may be apart from them. Just bite the bullet if that happens, plaster a smile on your face and enjoy yourself meeting the other guests.

January20

I don't know why you should be slated when you didn't know he was married - although I do think he was lucky you didn't send him away too when he turned up on your doorstep

Anyway, I agree with you that it could be beneficial to meet the ex beforehand, but it really depends on what he told her about you and you about her, and frankly, he doesn't seem so keen on the truth does he? So does the ex think you knowingly broke up her marriage to him? Is there any hostility from her towards you? Would she be silly enough to kick off at the wedding? Are you able to both attend and ignore each other?

711

It's a bit difficult because obviously I only get his side of the story, but I get the impression that he thinks she will be hostile towards me. I would like to think that after 20+ years this wouldn't be the case, but obviously I was never in her situation and I would understand it if she was.

January20

711 wrote: »

It's a bit difficult because obviously I only get his side of the story, but I get the impression that he thinks she will be hostile towards me. I would like to think that after 20+ years this wouldn't be the case, but obviously I was never in her situation and I would understand it if she was.

Let's hope she loves her child enough not to upset them on their wedding day then!

whitewing

Do you know for definite that you will be at the wedding? Perhaps your DH is building up to suggesting that he go alone? Would you let him go alone?

I don't particularly see a need for you all to meet up beforehand, although I can see the potential benefit in terms of getting any awkwardness out of the way. I would have thought after 20 years and on the happiest day of the child's life, you ought to all be able to behave!

Taadaa

She may well still be resentful if she felt that she had to bring up the kids by herself when she could have had a husband by her side. That's not your fault, but often the woman does get the blame in these circumstances.

I wouldn't bother to meet up beforehand, and in order to not cause problems on the day, I'd keep out of her way as much as possible. Do you know the seating plan details yet? Wouldn't be ideal to find yourself sitting in close proximity. You might find yourself sitting elsewhere if Mum and Dad are going to be on the top table.

Seanymph

It's up to your partners daughter surely?

It's HER wedding day - but everyone is right, you won't be sitting with your partner either at the church or reception probably.

Are you sure you want to go? How close are you to the daughter?

whitewing

Is the ex remarried or with a partner. If so, I would have thought all 4 of you would potentially be sitting together in the church at least. I see no reason for you all to be sat apart.

HeatherintheHills

What does the son or daughter who is getting married say to you about their mother and how she is likely to react towards you at the wedding? The children are probably the only people who see both sides of the story and as they are adult now, are possibly the people who can inform you best.

In all honesty, I find it odd that your husband has kept you and his ex apart for 20 years. You may find that he has told you both different things and he is concerned that he will be found out if you meet.

FBaby

Surely both her and you can grit teeth on that special occasion. I would go there, smile when expected and keep low profile, after all, it is a special day for THEIR children. It's not about you and her, so meeting her before hand isn't necessary, unless she requests it.

Be yourself accepting that it is likely to be more awkward for her to meet you for the first time than the other way around. It is unlikely she will create a scene if you keep to your place. If she does, then it will be for her to explain herself to her child.