Diary of a dishonest husband...

JamesBa

Hi all,

It's hard to know where to begin with this, but then again this has always been my problem...
I guess i'll begin by saying that I am am a newlywed of about 4 months. We are both 26 years old and have been together for almost 8 years.
Things have been going very well for us right from the start. We occasionally argue from time to time like most couples but we always sort things out before one of us leaves the room.
We have rented together for the last 4 years now.

Now on to the ever so naughty bit....
As you would have guessed it, I ran up some serious debt! About three years ago I took out a Capital One credit card just in case. Well sure enough, the just in case bit came into play when I wanted to take my Fiancee on a holiday for her birthday and hadn't saved a penny for it.. (I forgot to mention that I am an awful saver). I racked up the credit card like a fool and hit my credit limit of £1500 in no time. Some time went by (1 year) where i would pay a bit off and spend my balance up and down like a yoyo. In the meantime, Capital one would increase my credit limit to my excitement up to £2600 which I reached limit again.
We decide on getting married... No problem, 2 years to save and i'm earning £23,000 a year and my Fiancee is earning 18,000. Not a problem. We put a bit in the pot each month and get a bit of help from the family... In the meantime I can only afford to pay the minimum payments on my credit card.
Things get tight towards the wedding and I start getting very uncomfortable with the 'saving for a wedding' business. I start eating into my overdraft of £3000 on my Barclays current account.
10 weeks before the wedding I realize that we have certainly under budgeted for our wedding after finding out we need more than the number of guests we had intended, now making this an extremely expensive wedding.
4 weeks before the wedding, I've scrimped and saved what i could and end up asking my my folks for £1000 to hit our target for the wedding. They are fine with it, believing that I am earning good money to pay it back at a later date. I never told them about my lack of saving and my usage of credit. (My first lie)
The wedding is here and it's an amazing day. We have our honeymoon using the money we received from the guests at our wedding and return home... I'm now skint and some hefty bills are due!! Electric, gas and water all quarterly bills, as well as my credit card bill!!
I stupidly take out a payday with Wonga and pay it all... and no doubt you've guessed that i am to this day in a hellish cycle of payday loans... QuickQuid £450, Wonga £850.

So with all these debts up to yesterday:-

Capital one card - £2600
Barclays overdraft- £3000
Money borrowed from parents - £1000
Pay day loans - £1300

Total: £7,900 (KEEP READING)

Now for the bombshell...
All this debt and I have NEVER mentioned a thing to my other half about any of it!!! I am a disgrace and an abomination to our marriage and relationship!
She's never suspected that something might be wrong with our money and why would she? She pays money into my account and I pay the bills.
I cannot explain for the life of me why I have let it go on this far, but I guess it has something to do with my wife getting upset about money in the past... She would cry before we went to bed some nights over the fact that we would be skint at times and that she was at her £800 overdraft. I just couldn't sit there and tell her that i was also worrying about my massive debt that she had no idea about because I didn't tell her from the start, so I would tell her everything was alright, wait for her to sleep and cry to myself at times...

I am such a fool and a money cheat.

So today I have had enough. Time to man up! Not only to live an honest marriage, but before I can't afford rent, council tax etc. I am now at breaking point!

I spoke to my mum on the phone earlier from work to ask her for her advice and confess (The first time in 3 years I have owned up to my debt). I told her everything and I think she took it quite well. She told me she wants me over at the weekend to look at my outgoings etc and we will come up with a recovery plan, AND to work out how I am going to explain this to my new wife (She was pretty angry at that let me tell you!)
I guess I wanted to go to my parents first so that I could get the financial support to 'water down' the news that I was about to deliver to my new wife...

So that's it. I don't know what you guys are going to think of me, but I certainly do wish you all to judge me.
I guess I need to know that aside from all this mess, I am doing the right thing now and going the right way about confronting it finally...

Thanks for taking the time to read.

whitewing

You are doing the right thing.

Just be a little careful that your mum doesn't start taking over. Would annoy me if DH was telling personal stuff to his mum when I am his wife. I think it is a mistake to have your mum over.

JamesBa

Thanks for the reply whitewing.

Yes I agree. I have told my mum that it is my job to give the news to my wife. I'm sure my parents will be disappointed in me but will help.
I expected worse seeing as I had borrowed from them just before the wedding too...

I just hope that my loss of control over money doesn't end up ruining part of my marriage. I'm so scared but am prepared to do whatever it takes to put things right.

squidgychesspiece

Whitewing is right, I probably wouldn't say you've already discussed it with your mother as your new wife might be upset that you didn't turn to her first.
Good luck with telling her everything. I'm sure it won't be as bad as you expect and once she is over the shock I bet she'll just want to help you get it sorted
Don't beat yourself up, there are far worse things you could've done.

JamesBa

Thanks squidgychesspiece.

Do you think it's wise to to tell my wife before having something set up with my parents to coolen the blow? Or go ahead and stabilize my finances then tell my wife?

whitewing

I think if you know your parents will support what you two decide, it would be worth telling your wife first and then approaching your parents together (or just you but when your wife knows).

squidgychesspiece

JamesBa wrote: »

Thanks squidgychesspiece.

Do you think it's wise to to tell my wife before having something set up with my parents to coolen the blow? Or go ahead and stabilize my finances then tell my wife?

I'd say the sooner you tell her the better. You'll need her on your team if you have to say, make cutbacks to your living expenses. She's bound to want to be involved in helping you sort it out anyway (I know I would be!) £7,900 is a lot of money but you will be able to sort it out so please don't panic.

BlushingRose

Tell your wife first, before you do anything.
Then tell her you plan to make arrangements with your creditors to get it all sorted out

BlushingRose

business_man wrote: »

Out of context, I don't understand what is OH or DH? I am assuming OH to be "other half" but no clue about DH?

You're right about OH = Other Half.
DH = Dear Husband (or possibly Darling Husband)

kelpie35

DH = darling husband

taren

Wow... Tell the truth and be honest, your new wife who has been with you alreay for 8 yrs,. will be shocked. And it will be a blow she didnt see coming.,

A few suggestions -
Like other posters replies, DONT say youve discussed things with your family, it will make her feel insecure and trust you even less.

If you dont have a join account, maybe you should open one and tell her this is so she can see what is going on with both your monies.

Make a plan with her, DONT make a plan on your own, sit down and work it out together, it will make your relationship stronger.

Now a tip from me, I made a massive mistake once in my life, and owned up to it, told my wife what I had done and the fact that I wanted to stay with her. We are 10years down the line and have two children, and yes we have arguements too, but a healthy relationship and one that will last, is based upon trust.

You'll be fine as long as you work together...